What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Spanking and Domestic Discipline
HoldsTheKey
Posts: 15
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Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by HoldsTheKey » Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:26 am

DesertRose wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:42 pm
This is interesting.. maybe you want to reverse your roles?
It's not crazy that you'd think that! But we've talked a lot about it and as much as I'd like it, I just don't think it would work that way. My wife's need for control is more of a response to a lack of confidence that things are being dealt with, not in her desire to be the one making the decisions. Ultimately she feels most safe and comfortable when she trusts things are being taken care of and she can drop her desire to be in control.

This makes it tough for a relationship between what is essentially two naturally submissive people. But I have a greater capacity to swing both ways, as it were.

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DesertRose
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Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by DesertRose » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:51 pm

HoldsTheKey wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:26 am
It's not crazy that you'd think that! But we've talked a lot about it and as much as I'd like it, I just don't think it would work that way. My wife's need for control is more of a response to a lack of confidence that things are being dealt with, not in her desire to be the one making the decisions. Ultimately she feels most safe and comfortable when she trusts things are being taken care of and she can drop her desire to be in control.

This makes it tough for a relationship between what is essentially two naturally submissive people. But I have a greater capacity to swing both ways, as it were.
Thank you for explaining it to me. Actually now it makes sense. You are absolutely wonderful for doing this for your wife.. as I perfectly understand how difficult it is for a submissive to take charge.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

AddyJane
Posts: 234
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Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by AddyJane » Wed Jan 30, 2019 5:22 pm

Nope I can very much understand this HoldsTheKey!

Not sure if your wife is anything like me, but in the absence of structure, I will make structure - even if it means assuming a leadership role and going against my submissive nature. I crave structure more than submission at times.
(I grew up quickly when my father died as a teen and my mother very much has been codependent on me since then.)
I become the reluctant leader in scenarios such as that, but the role weighs on me; I do it constantly at work. It is intimidating as I much rather be a follower, but I lead well I have been told - again the desire for structure allows for that.
The difference between my husband and I is there is almost a resentment I feel if I’m pushed into leading past my comfort zone, can’t explain it but that is the closest emotion that I can relate it to!
(Oddly enough the structure my husband provides can be more subtle and forgiving than the structure I would institute for myself or him left to my own devices in our home.)
I say this occasionally, but if I was the HoH, I would be a force to be reckoned with- there would be no peace. I get oddly obsessive and controlling, but it’s out of fear and need for structure. He balances leading with much more grace and unlike me, it does not go to his head.
HoldsTheKey wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:26 am
DesertRose wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:42 pm
This is interesting.. maybe you want to reverse your roles?
It's not crazy that you'd think that! But we've talked a lot about it and as much as I'd like it, I just don't think it would work that way. My wife's need for control is more of a response to a lack of confidence that things are being dealt with, not in her desire to be the one making the decisions. Ultimately she feels most safe and comfortable when she trusts things are being taken care of and she can drop her desire to be in control.

This makes it tough for a relationship between what is essentially two naturally submissive people. But I have a greater capacity to swing both ways, as it were.

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NateG
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Location: Virginia

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by NateG » Fri Feb 01, 2019 10:33 pm

AddyJane,

That is very insightful on your part.

I have learned that it is harder being the HoH or leader all of the time. It's not easy. Although I am definitely the more dominate and leader oriented, it is still sometimes difficult to hold us both to certain standards. I also have a tendency to be too lax in following up on rule breaking. Things go much better when I am on top of any infractions. When I let things slip, I've discovered that I seem to let my wife down. Maybe even lose some respect from her, although she might not realize it. I feel it.

I think I've learned the need to follow through even when you don't feel like it or want to do anything about it.
Structure, expectations and boundaries are good things and need to be enforced.

Nate

geeman
Posts: 203
Joined: Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:32 pm

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by geeman » Sat Feb 02, 2019 11:49 am

Hmmm...well I already knew my wife was a natural dominant, I already knew she liked being the boss. What I didn't know and only recently found out was that my wife is also a voyeur. Last year, my wife introduced a dominatrix to our life. It began innocently enough as strictly a consultation but unfortunately got screwed up when the dominatrix developed feelings for me. We got past it and are just fine.

However - during a recent heart to heart - my wife admitted she missed watching another woman boss me around. I had no idea this was a 'thing' for her. Turns out it is. She liked being off in the distance (another part of the room) and watching another woman lord over me. And it had nothing to do with anything sexual happening with another woman. It was the visual of another woman bossing me around and disciplining me in front of her. So, that is definitely something I didn't know until we started DD.

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Beauty
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Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by Beauty » Sat Feb 02, 2019 3:02 pm

I already replied with my side/view but it also opened up a constructive conversation with beast and I. He had a lot of good points that helped me with his perspective (he’s way better at verbal conversation and I’m better at expressing in writing). He gave permission that I could share at least the funny but also very real part of his response. Not sure if other HOHs have felt the same but it was a big shock to him.

So now that I over explained it here’s the short version of what he said... “Starting DD I thought no problem when it comes to punishments. Spankings are pretty straight foreword. However after starting I realize it’s a d*mn art form. That takes a masters degree.” 🤣🤷‍♀️
Happy to be taken in hand by my Beast

Goldilocks
Posts: 479
Joined: Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:34 pm
Location: Ohio

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by Goldilocks » Tue Mar 19, 2019 5:44 pm

Beauty wrote:
Sat Feb 02, 2019 3:02 pm
I already replied with my side/view but it also opened up a constructive conversation with beast and I. He had a lot of good points that helped me with his perspective (he’s way better at verbal conversation and I’m better at expressing in writing). He gave permission that I could share at least the funny but also very real part of his response. Not sure if other HOHs have felt the same but it was a big shock to him.

So now that I over explained it here’s the short version of what he said... “Starting DD I thought no problem when it comes to punishments. Spankings are pretty straight foreword. However after starting I realize it’s a d*mn art form. That takes a masters degree.” 🤣🤷‍♀️
😂😂😂😂
Loving submissive wife to PapaBear.

Rand E
Posts: 157
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by Rand E » Fri Oct 11, 2019 9:50 pm

First, and most important, it was the way that DD resolved the issues that led each time to the discipline.

Back in the day, these would have been drag-out knock-down emotionally abusive fights and arguments. not to mention the emotionally brutal aftermath. After all the years of conflict with my wife, nurturing resentments, festering unresolved issues, the silent treatment, the lack of communications, the emotional abuse, I just could not believe how a good corporal punishment session based on rules and consequences just cleared the air and put each issue totally and completely to bed. Like an emotional reset button. Unbelievable.

This was more than amazing to me. All the vanilla couples out there scratch their heads and say this DD stuff is crazy. But they have no f***ing idea. NONE. All I can say to them is: Pray that you can achieve this level of intimacy in your marriage.

I hope that is the way it has worked out for you all out there on this forum. Yes, I understand that not every relationship works out. That's just how life is. But, I can't say enough good things about adopting a domestic discipline relationship. Good luck to all of you.

StrapHater
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Joined: Thu Oct 03, 2019 12:14 am

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by StrapHater » Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:17 pm

I can definitely second that (or perhaps third at this point). DD significantly reduced the arguments. It also added another layer of intimacy... and I think we figured out it helps me to get in touch with my emotions, which she really appreciates. We never could have imagined all this would be the results.

Rand E
Posts: 157
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Location: Los Angeles

Re: What are some things you didn’t know until you started DD?

Post by Rand E » Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:28 pm

Beauty wrote:
Sat Feb 02, 2019 3:02 pm
I already replied with my side/view but it also opened up a constructive conversation with beast and I. He had a lot of good points that helped me with his perspective (he’s way better at verbal conversation and I’m better at expressing in writing). He gave permission that I could share at least the funny but also very real part of his response. Not sure if other HOHs have felt the same but it was a big shock to him.

So now that I over explained it here’s the short version of what he said... “Starting DD I thought no problem when it comes to punishments. Spankings are pretty straight foreword. However after starting I realize it’s a d*mn art form. That takes a masters degree.” 🤣🤷‍♀️
That's very interesting to me. I can tell from conversing with the folks on this forum that we all come to this from different directions. In the case of my wife and me, we have been spankos for our entire 25+ year marriage, but only recently (year or so) doing domestic discipline.

When I first spanked my wife for punishment, the first time really for real, the mechanics of it were a snap. I had spanked her literally hundreds of times with every implement known to man at one time or another. Spanking-wise, we were already in tune with each other both physically and mentally. In that sense, I had already earned my masters degree in spankology.

That first time I punished her, to a neutral observer, what we did would not have appeared all that different from what we had been doing for years. But the real difference for me was the emotion of it. This was about real consequences and atonement. She cried tears of remorse. It just blew my mind.

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