He said "No"

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DesertRose
Posts: 139
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He said "No"

Post by DesertRose » Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:43 pm

Hello everyone,

I finally opened up to the man I'm dating and asked him the question .. and this is how the conversation went:

Me:
"Would you take me in hand when we get married?"
Him:
"Please explain in hand."
Me:
"I meant would take control of our relationship? Put down rules and consequences."
Him:
"No, I would hope you would be respectful, honorable, loyal, and with common sense you would have the intuition what is acceptable and not acceptable in public. I hope you would take care of me in the home and when in the home you should be able to be yourself. All of this also applied to me, OK. And yes the only thing I wish for is that you are submissive with me when it comes to intimate time."
I did not respond after that because I felt so disappointed. And my eyes teared up a little. He's a very good man and I like him a lot, and I felt that he was dominate to some degree, but now after having his answer, I'm not as thrilled and excited as I used to be regarding our future together. I don't know that to do. My mind is filled with questions, should I just accept his way and focus on the positive aspects of his personality? Or settling down like that would make me secretly unhappy? (because I know how much I desire this lifestyle. Nothing excites more). Or should I try to convince him? If yes, how?

I really need your advice. Did any of you have to convince her partner to try DD?
I'm not going to respond to him until I read your advice.

DesertRose.
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NateG
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Location: Virginia

Re: He said "No"

Post by NateG » Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:05 pm

DesertRose,

Many men are not going to come out and say they want to set all the rules, dominate and put you over their knee if you misbehave. They might secretly think it or wish it...but in today's, super sensitive, crybaby, wimpy world, men have been taught that they will probably be arrested or publicly shamed if they say things like that openly.

It may be different in your culture.....but in America.."cowboys" are not allowed to show themselves publicly any more. So, his answer to me sounds like the typical...safe..sensitive, understanding answer that men have been told that women want to hear and expect.

If you really think you might love him or might truly want to spend your life with him...go ahead and tell him what you are really looking for ..(if you can trust him) I don't know how much freedom you have to try things out...but you could do some trial runs. If he thinks the idea is appealing...then talk together about setting some rules of behavior for yourself and have him enforce them. Even if you are only allowed to do corner time...but spankings would help. He might decide he really likes this lifestyle and come around. If not...then you know you can keep looking.

Let's see what some others say though before you talk to him.

Nate

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DesertRose
Posts: 139
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Re: He said "No"

Post by DesertRose » Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:38 pm

Nate,

Thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. Actually he's American (Southern), but we both live in Saudi Arabia. He grew up in a strict household where his parents used to put down rules, and he used get grounded and spanked. This fact gave me hope that he might accept or even want DD .. because it would make sense to him.

When I thought about his answer deeper, I felt that he maybe thinks that I want him to control me fully, which is not true. DD doesn't have to be this way. What I want is to be punished when I misbehave and that he gives me rules of what is acceptable and not acceptable according to him.

I probably should talk about it further with him, but I'm not sure what to say. I just believe wordings can make a difference.

DesertRose
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Shannon
Posts: 51
Joined: Thu May 10, 2018 3:20 pm

Re: He said "No"

Post by Shannon » Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:40 pm

DesertRose wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:43 pm
Hello everyone,

I finally opened up to the man I'm dating and asked him the question .. and this is how the conversation went:

Me:
"Would you take me in hand when we get married?"
Him:
"Please explain in hand."
Me:
"I meant would take control of our relationship? Put down rules and consequences."
Him:
"No, I would hope you would be respectful, honorable, loyal, and with common sense you would have the intuition what is acceptable and not acceptable in public. I hope you would take care of me in the home and when in the home you should be able to be yourself. All of this also applied to me, OK. And yes the only thing I wish for is that you are submissive with me when it comes to intimate time."
I did not respond after that because I felt so disappointed. And my eyes teared up a little.

DesertRose.
When you say that you finally opened up to him did you explain what you are wanting from the man you marry or what you feel you need in a relationship before you asking him if "he would take you in hand?" Also what was his response to your eyes tearing up after you listened to his answer? If you don't want to answer these questions I completely understand.

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DesertRose
Posts: 139
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2018 1:34 pm

Re: He said "No"

Post by DesertRose » Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:48 pm

Shannon wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:40 pm
DesertRose wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:43 pm
Hello everyone,

I finally opened up to the man I'm dating and asked him the question .. and this is how the conversation went:

Me:
"Would you take me in hand when we get married?"
Him:
"Please explain in hand."
Me:
"I meant would take control of our relationship? Put down rules and consequences."
Him:
"No, I would hope you would be respectful, honorable, loyal, and with common sense you would have the intuition what is acceptable and not acceptable in public. I hope you would take care of me in the home and when in the home you should be able to be yourself. All of this also applied to me, OK. And yes the only thing I wish for is that you are submissive with me when it comes to intimate time."
I did not respond after that because I felt so disappointed. And my eyes teared up a little.

DesertRose.
When you say that you finally opened up to him did you explain what you are wanting from the man you marry or what you feel you need in a relationship before you asking him if "he would take you in hand?" Also what was his response to your eyes tearing up after you listened to his answer? If you don't want to answer these questions I completely understand.
Shannon,

Oh it's totally fine to ask, actually it's important that you understand every aspect of my situation.

We had this conversation over texting. I told him the day before that there's something I wanted to talk about, but it was late, so he suggested that we speak about it over the phone the next day. I created an excuse because I'm honestly too shy to talk about it face to face or even over the phone. So now he doesn't know my reaction nor how I felt. We met online and we haven't met in person yet. I was planning to save this conversation until we meet, but after joining this group/forum, I was encouraged to go ahead and ask.

Now I know that I should go deeper in the conversation, but what should I say? Should I tell him about the Domestic Discipline lifestyle and show him articles and websites? Or should I explain it myself?

Your help is highly appreciated.

DesertRose
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Shannon
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Re: He said "No"

Post by Shannon » Sat Aug 04, 2018 5:19 pm

Desert Rose,

I believe that you would get much better advice from some of the people on the site that chose this lifestyle before they got married and that is not me. The only reason I asked my questions is that I have never been submissive until recently; therefore, I read the questions a little different. When I read "would you take control of the relationship and put rules down and consequences" I read that as I want to know if you are going to try to control or micromanage me. When I read "would you take me in hand" I read that as would you ever raise your hand to me out of anger. Which I would think most smart men who want to continue getting to know someone would take the safe road of "no"--because most women would run. Unless a man is truly dominant, and he is not going to be in any other kind of relationship, those are the only ones that I think would be confident to go with a yes. (and you maybe looking for someone that dominate and comfortable--I don't know) I asked because I just thought that if he didn't really understand that you are wanting that type of lifestyle he went with a safe answer. It sounds to me like right now he may not understand what type of role you want the man to have in your relationship. Maybe he will google "taken in hand" and see that it is a particular lifestyle.

Shannon

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DesertRose
Posts: 139
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2018 1:34 pm

Re: He said "No"

Post by DesertRose » Sat Aug 04, 2018 5:53 pm

Shannon wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 5:19 pm
Desert Rose,

I believe that you would get much better advice from some of the people on the site that chose this lifestyle before they got married and that is not me. The only reason I asked my questions is that I have never been submissive until recently; therefore, I read the questions a little different. When I read "would you take control of the relationship and put rules down and consequences" I read that as I want to know if you are going to try to control or micromanage me. When I read "would you take me in hand" I read that as would you ever raise your hand to me out of anger. Which I would think most smart men who want to continue getting to know someone would take the safe road of "no"--because most women would run. Unless a man is truly dominant, and he is not going to be in any other kind of relationship, those are the only ones that I think would be confident to go with a yes. (and you maybe looking for someone that dominate and comfortable--I don't know) I asked because I just thought that if he didn't really understand that you are wanting that type of lifestyle he went with a safe answer. It sounds to me like right now he may not understand what type of role you want the man to have in your relationship. Maybe he will google "taken in hand" and see that it is a particular lifestyle.

Shannon
I did not use direct words in the conversation, so your analyses make sense. Thank you.
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Shannon
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Re: He said "No"

Post by Shannon » Sat Aug 04, 2018 7:49 pm

[/quote]
I did not use direct words in the conversation, so your analyses make sense. Thank you.
[/quote]

I have no idea if direct words are better or not. Please do not take what I said as you asked the wrong questions because that is absolutely not what I meant. How does one bring this topic up out of the blue especially if they don't know the person very well? I was trying to give you another perspective of what he could have thought you were trying to find out because I might have asked those types of questions when I was dating but I would have been asking and looking for that safe answer. Since he is someone that you would like to know better I hoped that you wouldn't "write him off" just because he first said no unless you know that you are both on the same page and that his answer is really a deal breaker. I wish you the best along this journey. If it was meant to be then this could just be the first conversation about DD that y'all have on life long journey.

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DesertRose
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Re: He said "No"

Post by DesertRose » Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:37 am

Shannon wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 7:49 pm
I did not use direct words in the conversation, so your analyses make sense. Thank you.
[/quote]

I have no idea if direct words are better or not. Please do not take what I said as you asked the wrong questions because that is absolutely not what I meant. How does one bring this topic up out of the blue especially if they don't know the person very well? I was trying to give you another perspective of what he could have thought you were trying to find out because I might have asked those types of questions when I was dating but I would have been asking and looking for that safe answer. Since he is someone that you would like to know better I hoped that you wouldn't "write him off" just because he first said no unless you know that you are both on the same page and that his answer is really a deal breaker. I wish you the best along this journey. If it was meant to be then this could just be the first conversation about DD that y'all have on life long journey.
[/quote]

Shannon,

Thank you very much. As I previously mentioned, I felt his dominate side from the beginning and that what attracted me to him the most. You are probably right, because when I re-read the conversation and tried to see it from his perspective, the answer "no" made more sense. He's obviously knows what he wants from his woman, which is so sexy to me, so I might just ask him to convert that into a list of rules. Part of me says that he might enjoy doing so.

DesertRose
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