I am curious - and not yellow.

Please take your time and introduce yourself to us - why Domestic Discipline, are you married, how your relationship progressed...
Rand E
Posts: 53
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Rand E » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:22 am

Yes. A DD moment. And the strange and powerful brew of emotions that go along with it. It's so nice to be able to discuss this with people who understand. You all seem so supportive and level-headed.

That having been said, I realize that I am an odd-duck in this group. But what Lauren said in an earlier post about me wanting more kink, that's not true. I want to get some of what you all have and add it to my marriage. Maybe just a little DD is all I can manage. But I'm going to work on it and see what happens.

Also, I expect that all of you who are experienced in the DD lifestyle want to help the new folks figure it out, and despite the variations, there is obviously a certain core methodology you follow for that. It must be so challenging for the newbies trying to get this lifestyle up and running smoothly. If anything I say contradicts that methodology or creates confusion, please let me know, and forgive me if I speak out of school - I promise you it is not intentional.

SweetlySurrendered
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2018 9:45 pm

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by SweetlySurrendered » Sat Jul 14, 2018 2:03 pm

This is a great community of people who are very supportive! If you’re exploring and have questions, you’ve definitely come to the right place :)

Rand E
Posts: 53
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Rand E » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:57 pm

So having said my disclaimers, I did have some questions. Like I said, let me know if I'm speaking out of school here. So, on the following topics, please let me know what you think. I would like to participate in this forum, but I want to make every effort to be respectful and constructive.

First: There seems to be some variety of opinion on this forum regarding whether corporal punishment of your spouse should be entirely practical, or somewhat sexual in nature. For my wife and I, regardless of any progress we might make with DD, the experience is going to have a significant sexual element. I don't know how everybody feels about whether this defeats the primary purpose of the discipline. So, I am hoping that my participation in this topic, to the extent that I have something to share, won't rub anybody the wrong way.

Second: The things my wife and I do behind the bedroom doors is absolutely private for us. Our friends have absolutely no idea. We don't even know any couples that practice kink. Well, I take that back. I kind of suspected it with some of our acquaintances, and my wife's irritating sister, whom I do know is a bit of a swinger. But my wife and I are just too private to get inquisitive about such things. This bears on questions in this forum about how DD couples should behave in their social life and in public. My opinion, for reasons that, I think, transcend DD issues, is that respect and discretion are of the utmost importance. These are sensitive private matters between you and your spouse. If there is a problem, sort if out later - there may be hell to pay - but deal with it in private. Never ever disrespect, humiliate, or embarrass your spouse, nor treat your spouse like a child, in front of friends and acquaintances, and especially not in public. And demand the same respect from your spouse as far as how they treat you. If any of you feel that is bad advice, let me know, and I will lay off the topic, but, frankly, I can't imagine a suitable alternative.

Third: The variety of DD espoused on this forum has a highly baked-in D/s structure as an essential element. I fully understand such a structure from a kink standpoint, and I suspect that every B&D relationship has a natural D/s structure to it that is simply driven by the pre-existing sexual preferences of the partners. As for my marriage, I may be the nominal dominant in our sexual relationship, but nevertheless I like to be spanked now and again. Problem is my wife lacks enthusiasm, and hits like a girl. After all these years, she's pretty tough at taking her licks - she's no tender-tush. Me on the other hand, I worry whether I could take it like a man, so to speak, were I subjected to some REAL discipline. That's no big deal in a B&D relationship, but for DD there is something that seems unsatisfactory in dishing out punishment that you could not endure yourself, especially if you really deserve it. So, I can see that I will never be in sync with the highly structured roles involved in the DD relationships I see here. If that runs against core principles, let me know, and I will shut up about it henceforth.

Fourth: I can't believe I am participating on an internet forum discussing spanking techniques and implements. I kid you not, everything I know about the topic is entirely home-grown. I have never, up until now, attempted to compare notes or experiences with anybody. This is awesome. :P

The internet is such a zoo of trolls, vultures, crazies, and just plain evil people, but you all here seem so level-headed, caring, and responsible. I am sure there are other forums out there that could serve the same purpose for me, but I really want to continue to participate here even if in some limited way. Let me know what you all think on the above. Thanks.

Rand E
Posts: 53
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Rand E » Mon Jul 16, 2018 2:51 am

I checked out that Spencer Plan thing. I am probably going to have to go about this my own way. The big hang-up is the lack of communications between my wife and myself. We don't manage well with sharing our feelings, and we sure don't argue well. Having a formal agreement with stipulated rules and protocols (Spencer Plan or those espoused here or any for that matter) would be a tough concept for me introduce. I am going to wind up playing it by ear. I just have to take baby steps.

But I feel like I need to figure something out. When I punished my wife recently, for the first time, it was like an epiphany. For some couples, disputes just don't get sorted out through discussion and compromise. Inside, I think we all have an inner child that is selfish, willful, stubborn, and careless of others, and sometimes we can't help ourselves. My wife and I could have discussed her transgression forever, but I doubt anything would have come of it but more hurt and bitterness.

When I did the deed, I thought I was just being a meanie getting satisfaction out of hurting her. But now I realize that, if I had not punished her and she had not submitted to me, that transgression would still be out there festering, just another chink in the trust and respect that forms our marriage bond. That particular chink just isn't there now, for either of us.

I seem to have stumbled onto something. I get it now.

However, as you can probably see from my previous posts, I'm not really headed in the DD direction that you practice here. I may chime in from time to time. Thank you all for listening. I needed somebody to talk to. You all seem like a great group of folks. Wish you all well.

Rand
CassLynn wrote:
Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:53 pm
The Spencer Spanking plan is a shared Hoh kind of thing. You make rules and you each enforce the other’s. Clint interviewed a couple doing that if you want to look that up on the site. Maybe your wife would be more excited to spank you if she could do it to punish you for doing something that really annoys her!

I’m pretty sure you would be welcome here just talking spankings and not DD. Some here use spanking for both intimacy and real discipline. Pretty much anything goes here except we get nervous when something seems like abuse or any kind of relationship where only one partner’s needs are important, and also spankos facetiously asking DD questions just to get off on the answers. For the time I’ve been here those things have gotten frowned upon. Correct me, everyone else, if I’ve got that wrong.

Kerry
Posts: 562
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm
Location: Midwest US submissive female with male HoH partner

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Kerry » Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:12 pm

Rand,
D/s and kink. I chose those of your 4 topics. At first I totally wanted to separate punishment and sex. But giving up control and Brian trying dd for me also turns me on so the lines grew less clear. This weekend I day dreamed that if I handled punishment acceptably, I could give oral sex and if I didn’t behave, then I’d have to stand in the corner after a spanking. Maybe that is leaning towards kink. As far as D/s, I forget how that is defined. He tries to please me and I am working harder to please him instead of always getting what I want. I guess I crave a little bit of his control so there is power exchange outside the bedroom. But we’re pretty calm. And still figuring it out. I have to admit that I don’t want the power and I wouldn’t want to spank him. I like the thought of giving up control and being controlled but mostly to improve me and our harmony/relationship. I live for the day. He is a planner. I hope you feel included here. I like to read a variety of ideas
Key

Lovely
Posts: 261
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 6:37 pm

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Lovely » Tue Jul 17, 2018 12:17 am

Hi Rand,

I'm not feeling particularly like posting/writing a lot at the moment. However, I did want to say that you aren't alone. For Dionsysyus and I there is a fair amount of overlap between BDSM, D/s, M/s, and DD. In our posts in this forum we tend to keep it to the DD side (and that's the prominent part of our relationship at this point in time anyway), but the other aspects are definitely still there and a part of who we are as a couple. We don't switch in any way though. I don't have a Dominant bone in my body nor does he submissive. ;)

Rand E
Posts: 53
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Rand E » Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:18 pm

I'm not ever going to really belong in this group. But that's okay. This forum has a core purpose and I will
try not to interfere with that, especially with the new folk who are trying to work these things out for the first time and need all the help and guidance they can get from those here with lots of DD experience. But the experienced DD folk, especially who came from the traditional B&D world, probably have a lot of enlightening things they can tell me that will be spot on with my situation.

I am finding that I love the philosophical, for lack of a better word, discussions about what we are doing in our relationships, contrasting and comparing techniques and practices, feelings and emotions, and final results (beneficial or otherwise).

From Wikipedia: Dominance and submission (also called D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle. It is a subset of BDSM.

See how hard it is to pin down these matters in the context we find ourselves in here? If you take this definition at face value, it could also include some varieties of domestic discipline. If some member of the public with average sexual proclivities and no experience in these matters were to somehow witness one of the sessions I have with my wife and one of the typical DD sessions most of you have (quite frequently as far as I can tell) they would probably have a hard time telling the difference.

"Hey, honey, you left the hose running in the back yard. Have you seen our water bill lately? Get over here you, you're gettin a whoopin" followed by, you guessed it, an ass whoopin, complete with admonitions and scolding from the spanker, and whimpering, pleading, crying, and apologies from the spankee. A DD encounter? Nope. Just me and my wife playing one of our favorite games.

The Wikipedia definition above refers to behaviors, customs, and rituals as the basis for the D/s definition, but we all know that the difference is more about what's going on in our heads.

BTW: I also hate the way they always lump B&D and S&M together. For me, these are also different things, with maybe some overlap. But there again, that's a distinction that is probably not well understood by the general public.


Kerry wrote:
Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:12 pm
Rand,
D/s and kink. I chose those of your 4 topics. At first I totally wanted to separate punishment and sex. But giving up control and Brian trying dd for me also turns me on so the lines grew less clear. This weekend I day dreamed that if I handled punishment acceptably, I could give oral sex and if I didn’t behave, then I’d have to stand in the corner after a spanking. Maybe that is leaning towards kink. As far as D/s, I forget how that is defined. He tries to please me and I am working harder to please him instead of always getting what I want. I guess I crave a little bit of his control so there is power exchange outside the bedroom. But we’re pretty calm. And still figuring it out. I have to admit that I don’t want the power and I wouldn’t want to spank him. I like the thought of giving up control and being controlled but mostly to improve me and our harmony/relationship. I live for the day. He is a planner. I hope you feel included here. I like to read a variety of ideas

Rand E
Posts: 53
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Rand E » Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:49 pm

I am pretty clearly the dom in my relationship with my wife. But, on occasion, I like a little role reversal. Although when I do, I'm often just topping from the bottom anyways (as somebody on this site here put it), and I figure that the D/s roles are fairly baked-in to begin with. It's kind of silly when it winds up like "Your master commands you to dominate him and treat him as your submissive for an interlude that he will stipulate in a manner that he will decide. Await further instructions." :?

As far as whether you have an interest in the occasional role reversal, that's obviously a personal preference kind of thing. Don't you ever like to win sometimes, even a little bit? All I can say is, when it works, I find it mega-stimulating. ;)

Lovely wrote:
Tue Jul 17, 2018 12:17 am
Hi Rand,

I'm not feeling particularly like posting/writing a lot at the moment. However, I did want to say that you aren't alone. For Dionsysyus and I there is a fair amount of overlap between BDSM, D/s, M/s, and DD. In our posts in this forum we tend to keep it to the DD side (and that's the prominent part of our relationship at this point in time anyway), but the other aspects are definitely still there and a part of who we are as a couple. We don't switch in any way though. I don't have a Dominant bone in my body nor does he submissive. ;)

Lauren
Posts: 422
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:45 pm
Location: Wisconsin

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Lauren » Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:57 pm

Rand E wrote:
Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:49 pm

As far as whether you have an interest in the occasional role reversal, that's obviously a personal preference kind of thing. Don't you ever like to win sometimes, even a little bit? All I can say is, when it works, I find it mega stimulating.
Rand E,

I want to make sure I am understanding you. Are you saying that the sub never wins? Only the Dom or HOH?

Lovely
Posts: 261
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 6:37 pm

Re: I am curious - and not yellow.

Post by Lovely » Tue Jul 17, 2018 5:53 pm

Rand E wrote:
Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:18 pm

BTW: I also hate the way they always lump B&D and S&M together. For me, these are also different things, with maybe some overlap. But there again, that's a distinction that is probably not well understood by the general public.
You might find it interesting to know that BDSM actually stands for 3 separate pairs, not two. BD= Bondage and Discipline, DS= Domination and submission, SM= Sadism and masochism. :-)

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