Hi! Help please?

Spanking and Domestic Discipline
Post Reply
Hiswife
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu May 17, 2018 11:31 am

Hi! Help please?

Post by Hiswife » Thu May 17, 2018 11:49 am

I’d like to introduce myself. But it’s hard to find a starting point. I’ve been lurking for 6 months now. Reading new posts. Reading articles.

I’m a wife and mom. Life gets complicated sometimes. My spouse is in the military and that adds to complexities with this lifestyle. His schedule can be very busy and he has frequent overnight trainings and sometimes they can last days or weeks, rarely months.

We’ve been trying to make this lifestyle work for us for about 6 months now and it’s still a struggle. He won’t give up on it though. Trust me, I’ve tried to convince him to because it’s just not working well. Since beginning this domestic discipline lifestyle, I have found I crave the structure it can provide. I enjoy submitting to him. I enjoy being submissive. Which is weird because in the past, before this, I was always the dominant one in our relationship and he always gave in. I’ve tried for years to get him to step up to that position and he never did. Then we formally started a domestic discipline relationship and he has shown me he can be and enjoys being the dominant one. But he slips often. He lets rules slide, he doesn’t say anything if I’m disrespectful or out of line. Then he gets frustrated because he seems to internally realize it but if I ask, he says he doesn’t know what’s bothering him.

Any tips/advice/suggestions from some more experienced couples? I’d greatly appreciate some help here because he won’t let go of this but all the flip floppy-ness is really stressing me out.

Thanks!

c_and_c
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:32 pm

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by c_and_c » Thu May 17, 2018 3:02 pm

Hi

New HOH here. I hope I can help because I have also had consistency issues. Since I don’t know your husband I can’t really say for sure what his problem may be. What I can do is tell you about mine, and maybe it may ring true for you as well.


My wife and I have been trying CDD since January. When I am at home, my main goal is to have peace, and harmony around me. I like to enjoy myself, and enjoy being with my wife. I especially love when we are laughing, and close to one-another. I wish to keep this feeling going on forever. When it’s not there I feel like something is missing and I hunt to get it back. Now say my wife disrespects me, or breaks a rule and I am there to witness it. I immediately get caught in a mental dilemma. If I assert my authority, then I will most certainly destroy the current mood if it’s great, or tank any chance of it being great soon. This is simply because my wife will not feel good if I scold her or punish her. The mood is lost. Now because this is important to me, I have found myself sometimes choosing to let it slide. I convince myself that it’s not a bad mistake, and I even delude myself by using it as a teaching moment. I.E. explain how not to make the mistake next time. I tell myself “see you were being constructive so it’s the same thing, move on.”


Deep down I know this is wrong. Two reasons, first my wife, and I are Bible fundamentalists, so we take it literally, she really wants to submit to me in all things. So, my wife will call me out when necessary in a playful, and respectful way, that I should not allow her to get away with things. I know she will deliberately provoke a response, and I almost never react with punishment simply because again the mood is playfull, and I don’t want to destroy it. But the most important reason why is that if I don’t respond accordingly it shows a lack of discipline on my part. It is a struggle. What I hope to convey is that as for me, DD is very difficult. I love my wife, and I want to be a good HOH to her and my family, but it is very hard to a disciplinarian to someone you really love. Especially if you enjoy spending time with her.


Now you mentioned your husband spends a lot of time away from home due to his service. When I read you plea, all I could think was if I were away from my wife for days, and I came home the last thing I would want to do is punish her. All I would want to do is love her nonstop. I would be crushed to come home to find out that I would need to take action. I know many women here are reading this going. I am glad I don’t have him for my HOH because they crave the discipline, and action. All I can say is that as a new HOH, I understand what he is going through, and that it’s not easy.


Now I hope to be constructive, but I am racking my brain for months now trying to figure a way past this dilemma, and I have not found one yet. Maybe your dynamic is different, and a solution for you is not hard to find. Sorry I was not much help but I hope you get something from it.

CassLynn
Posts: 622
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by CassLynn » Thu May 17, 2018 4:54 pm

I have two things to say. First, as a sub I did not handle DD well without EXACT consistency. I felt as if the response to my actions by my husband was a boundary keeping me safe and protected and a support helping me feel loved and watched over. If a boundary or a support is occasionally present, it’s not one at all. It’s just a tease. A false support that you really can’t put any weight on. It’s not there for you and it can’t help you unless you KNOW it’s there EVERY TIME you reach out to touch it or you fall and it catches you or you try to run to places that aren’t good and it stops you or something tries to pull you away and it can’t get at you. So when my Hoh was about 80% consistent I wanted to pull the plug. I could not handle it emotionally. I have mental health and emotional stability issues and I wanted to either have his help in this way reliably or plan to be in charge of myself. Fortunately he decided to go all in and has punished me with promptness and sincerity and no hesitancy every time I earned it since then. Our marriage has improved drastically and my well being has too. We have never felt closer or more trusting of each other. One thing to keep in mind is that every time I’ve been punished I both do and don’t want the spanking. I don’t want to feel the pain. But I do want the experience of being challenged in my behavior and held accountable and especially the opportunity to physically feel my husband’s power and assertiveness which helps me feel a deep submission. That feeling of submission is so sweet to me and we almost always feel extra close and happy after a punishment. The idea that a punishment will ruin your time together may be wrong if you’re like us. For us a punishment provides my Hoh with an extra sweet and happy wife who feels extra in love and treasured by him. It gives him a wife with guilt lifted and resolve strengthened. And he feels good because he’s helped me and he feels respected and honored because during a spanking I repeat that I will obey and submit to him.

On the other hand, I would not handle it well to think my Hoh really truly did not want to spank me and that doing so hurt him or upset him. I worried when we first started that mine was doing this just for me but really didn’t want to or felt pressured to. He reassured me that he was quite happy to spank me, even hard, because it gave him his respectful, happy wife and he likes having her. If he’d confessed that it made him uncomfortable or he’d rather not do it I know I would have wanted to find another way. Submission, respect, getting things done that the Hoh asks to have done, all that in my opinion can be implemented in a marriage in other ways. Prayer, discussions, plans, goal setting, praise given when the wife succeeds, reminders and renewed requests along with expressions of love and appreciation when she falls short, I think all this can replace the physical aspects of DD. If an Hoh really isn’t cut out for physical punishment these forms of more cooperative efforts could work. They would have helped me and my Hoh to a point if we had opted for that. For me because of who I am and what I’m up against in life, only the intensity of punishments could have given me the gains I’ve made. Only the hard spankings could have brought me the feelings of increased love, trust, respect and support I’ve felt. If a wife really needs punishment spankings from her Hoh, nothing else will help her as much. So needs and preferences have to be balanced. A hesitant hoh’s need and desire to not punish balanced with how much a wife may benefit from it. I think each struggling DD couple has to work that out. I think it may be better for some to not implement DD and try some other approach. It may be that you really can’t know without trying it out. One week of all in, with a punishment on day one for anything that may have been overlooked in the past and to set the tone and then a maintenance spanking sometime during the week to renew roles and vigilant supervision of rule keeping with prompt punishment if earned—that may give you your answers.

Dionysyus
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:22 pm

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by Dionysyus » Thu May 17, 2018 5:18 pm

Hello Hiswife,

I suspect perhaps your husband is struggling to overcome a lifetime of society telling him to never hit or dominate a woman. It seems like you both are in a process of transitioning from who you thought you were to who you are.

Perhaps he can be convinced to participate more fully if he sees the logic behind what’s really happening. I’ve only read a paragraph about your life, so I’m guessing here, but the basic pattern is something like this.

You need to feel loved and cherished by him. If you don’t feel loved, you are going to be stressed out, because if he doesn’t love you, then maybe he’s not committed to the family, and that’s scary to go anywhere near.

Men need to feel respected just as women need to feel loved. When you are disrespectful to him, and he does nothing about it but internalize it, likely he is pulling back some of his love, and he’s going to try to ransom it for respect (subconsciously). However, you feeling less loved leads to you being even less respectful, and you can spiral away over time.

When he disciplines you for being disrespectful, you know he is not pulling away from you. He’s not going to be passive aggressive and love you less. He’s establishing a boundary. He cares. He’s committed. You feel safe. He understands you are going to push now and then to see where the boundary lies, and it’s his job to let you know where exactly. If he doesn’t stand up to you and you are allowed to push and push, things can get bad. It’s his duty to prevent that (military guy probably understands duty).

Also, remind him now and then that you do not object to being disciplined by him at all. Tell him often you would much rather feel his lash than ever have him pull away from you into passive aggressive land.

Tell him often how you respect and admire him, and how you would submit to no other man than him. He is the one you trust. He is the most worthy in your eyes.

You’ve probably discussed it a bunch of times (DD) and it all made sense, the reasons why, but I’d keep having this discussion as things become more and more clear, so he and you stay committed.

Then I suggest a lot of practice, ie maintenance spankings. I think maintenance spankings can go two ways, it’s training for both disciplinee and disciplinarian. With regularly scheduled maintenance, then he is responsible for meeting the schedule too and performing his end of it. It gets him used to having his wife over his knee and you get used to being there, and you turn up the intensity over time, as you get more and more comfortable with things. For him to really be relaxed about spanking you, he has to spank you a lot. He has to get comfortable with overcoming his internal programming not to hurt you, and he also has to learn to trust that you will still love him afterwards.

He’s a military guy, so scheduled discipline should work for him. Wednesday 1900 hr put kids to bed, 2000 hr spank wife, 2130 hr fuck her silly. His world at work is largely run by schedule, so perhaps spontaneity is hard for him. I do like schedules. One can always bring up recent infractions at maintenance time as well, and it sounds like no shortage there if he needs a reason to feel justified, but they do actually prevent disrespectful behavior.

You state you enjoy submitting to him. Perhaps then you have a need for him to make you feel submissive. Perhaps you need to feel his manly dominance now and then, to feel safe. If so, then why is it right for him to wait for you to break a rule to have your need filled? I think a lot of disrespectful behavior is just brattiness seeking to have boundaries enforced, and if the woman is regularly made to feel submissive she won’t do this, and the man won’t have to suffer the disrespect. Why wait for the disrespect to happen?

Scheduled maintenance might be especially important if he is on short leave. Then you get to feel him reinforce the relationship hierarchy without having to ruin a short visit with disrespectful behavior to get what you need.

After maintenance, if the man takes his pleasures from his wife, then she knows that he holds no grudges against her, he feels admired, honored, respected, and sexually satisfied and so she both feels his love and commitment to her and the family, because why would he possibly go anywhere else when there’s just no where like home. Who else is going to treat him like this? (likely you both know you are committed to each other logically now anyway, but rituals like this help reinforce the connection).

After a while of regular maintenance he will likely get very into it. Your love for each other will deepen, he will see that, and then off he will go, leading the way.

Another point you could make to him, because he is military, is you could ask him to think what happens in the military when a soldier consistently disrespects an officer. Would they stand for it? If they let it slide, would his respect for the officer go down? Over time wouldn’t everyone just be making fun of the officer? I suspect they are never flip floppy about respect in the military.

Also, you might want to try a DD bootcamp. I read the idea somewhere on the net. I’m not sure if it was connected to this site or not, but he is military so he might like the idea. You and him send the kids to the grandparents and go away for a few days somewhere and do an intense 24/7 power exchange with a lot of scheduled discipline. That might get him over the hump.

CassLynn
Posts: 622
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by CassLynn » Thu May 17, 2018 6:57 pm

Dionysyus I liked everything you said. I am careful to never let myself purposely disobey or disrespect just to earn a consequence because I’m longing for a role reinforcement. I do have many other struggles but being manipulative I zealously avoid because I hated having it done to me in my first marriage. I do ask for role affirmation if I need it and so there is no temptation to act out on purpose. I suppose some wives resort to bratting because that’s the only way they can get the Hoh to act. That is really sad. I’m glad K and I don’t have to deal with that.

I so agree with your description of the love/respect cycle. I watch my parents with great sadness as they are caught in the downward pattern of that cycle. If you’re doing it right your love grows and grows and the growing makes it grow more! If you’re doing it wrong it keeps dying more every day. And you watch it die while blaming each other. So sad. My mom simply does not take advice from any one for any reason but I’ve tried explaining to her that she holds the key to getting the love from Dad that she craves. Several times. She keeps treating him horribly, in front of anyone and everyone, and then crying to us all that she’s not loved and cared for. Again sad but it makes me appreciate all the more what I have. K knows that I nearly worship him and this works out in my favor VERY well.

Kerry
Posts: 494
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm
Location: Midwest US submissive female with male HoH partner

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by Kerry » Thu May 17, 2018 8:29 pm

I agree that even when little time together, spanking does not ruin the mood because the after effects include incredible closeness. I also feared that I was making him do this. He occasionally testifies his belief in dd but he certainly isn’t consistent. I’m patiently waiting. We live apart. He is afraid I’ll get angry walk away? If he takes over and sets rules and limits. I actually crave it but I’m also kind of difficult. I think I don’t change because I’ve never had consequences. And I’m self reliant so need a motivation to change. Clue: the spanking is the motivator. I crave to lack power. I crave the spanking and lack of control. But I find it weird if I have to state that as if I’m directing him. I know. Not everyone can read my mind but I don’t know when to push because sometimes then I do feel needy like I’m wasting his time and he might think why don’t I just follow the rules as if it’s easy. Just make me!!! Ok not sure that was helpful:)
Key

Hiswife
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu May 17, 2018 11:31 am

Re: Hi! Help please?

Post by Hiswife » Sat May 19, 2018 10:22 am

Thank you all for responding. I’ve shared your responses with him, so hopefully it will help things “click” for him.

Post Reply