Discipline OR Divorce!!!

SpankedWife
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:20 am

Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SpankedWife » Sun Nov 24, 2019 8:04 am

I am brand new here. Forgive me if I’m a little upset but I haven’t been sleeping very well the past week or so. I’ve been given an ultimatum by my husband. We’ve been married for 10 years. I don’t want to give the wrong impression and I hope people aren’t judgey here. I love my husband very very much. He is incredibly good to me and gives me whatever I want. I know he loves me but he is very strict and somewhat controlling. He’s not abusive, it’s just his nature to be controlling. He’s a lawyer but he used to be a cop. He’s 14 years older than me.

Anyway, I agreed to the DD lifestyle years ago before we even married. Part of me loves it but part of me hates it now. I get very severe spankings, always over his knee and bare bottom of course. No amount of crying or begging has any effect on him. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure. It’s just that lately he’s been spanking me a lot more. Granted, I have stepped out of line a few times and done things I knew were against his rules but I’ve just been more rebellious lately. I’m not sure why. Last night I was out with some friends and came home an hour later than he wanted me home. I knew better and I could have come home at the time he said, but I’d had a few drinks and said screw it. I also ignored his texts and calls. Big mistake. Needless to say, I was over his knee five minutes after I walked through the door. I freaked out and told him “I’m all done with this spanking sh.t”. That really pissed him off and he only spanked me harder for it. Ugh.

Anyway, this morning he told me I either submit to his authority and I continue to submit to spankings and discipline or we get a divorce. I went out for a jog but stopped halfway through my run, to bawl my eyes out. I seriously do not want to lose my marriage. He is dead serious about it though, I can tell. Apart from jogging and grocery shopping, I’m grounded for a week. Double ugh. He’s just so strict with me and I feel like he’s getting even more strict.

I’m just not in a good head space right now. Up until recently, months could go by and I wouldn’t get spanked even once. Things were perfect and discipline sessions were few and far between. Lately though, my attitude and my behavior haven’t been all that great and I know it. For the past two months I’ve pretty much been getting spanked at least once a week and sometimes twice. Last Monday, I got the hairbrush for telling him to eff off. I was shocked that I even said it but it was too late at that point. He blistered my butt. My husband does not tolerate swearing at all, nor disrespect of any kind. I don’t know why I keep pushing him and rebelling.

Sorry to ramble on here. I don’t know what I’m even really looking to hear. I just feel like he won’t let me do anything and his rules are so strict. Wish he would lighten up a bit.

If he knew I was on here telling you guys about this and complaining, I’m pretty sure I’d be over his knee again! :roll: Anyway, thanks for reading guys.
Last edited by SpankedWife on Sun Nov 24, 2019 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JackOfHearts
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2019 9:18 am

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by JackOfHearts » Sun Nov 24, 2019 8:33 am

Dear SpankedWife,

welcome to the forum!

From my very limited experience, I can relate to you from the side of someone who tends to become (too) Controlling sometimes. It’s really hard to understand fully, but control and dominance are not the same and I think that I use control when I don’t have the resources to assert dominance. Or sometimes out of laziness or habit. On the other hand, when this is so deeply rooted in his personality and you lead ten years of happy marriage, I would think that there are some aspects which have been contributing to your happiness and could do so in the future, if channeled skillfully.

Do you have a DD contract? How did you agree on your DD lifestyle? I do think that consent is one of the most important parts of DD and DD without consent is on a troubled path to abuse.

From your writing, and I can really relate to your frustrations, but I can also relate that he is frustrated. Agreeing on the DD lifestyle and then willingly breaking the consented rules is also a form of mental violence to the HoH at worst and a challenge at best.

For example, did you agree on him setting the times when you have to be home? This surely opens the gate for controlling widely. Another option could be to re-negotiate the rules so that you agree together on your time being home and then you’re punished if you don’t stick to the agreement.

Just in general, also what I would prefer for myself, is a mutually agreed set of rules (instead of his rules). If you want to close the gate for controlling behavior just a little bit, you could for example clarify his areas of authority, for example to decide on what you wear but not to decide on the time home, or the other way around.

Maybe you can ask yourself, if you want this type of control or not, or what kind of control you want. At least to speak with him and negotiate, which I would assume he is very competent in as a lawyer! If you can make him understand that you would be willing to obey to the newly negotiated framework, it could be motivating for him too.

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Phil04
Posts: 273
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:42 am
Location: Texas

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Phil04 » Sun Nov 24, 2019 8:42 am

First off, welcome to the forum.

I don't agree with the ultimatum. DD is supposed to be a mutually agreed lifestyle. However, I can understand your husband not reacting will to your proclamation, especially considering his opinion on cussing.

I recommend finding a time when both of you are calm, and having a discussion. Explain your concern about the increase in frequency and severity, but also be prepared to answer question about your recent behavior. Explain what you want the marriage to look like. Ask him the same. Then see if you can fine a way to accomplish both. I know, easier said then done, but worth a shot.

Do you really want to end the DD relationship, or were you speaking out if frustration?

Again, welcome to the forum.

Phil

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Miras
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Location: Prague, Czech Republic

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Miras » Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:13 am

Welcome! Well, I both understand, but could never share your husband´s position. I would always prefer marriage before marriage of specific lifestyle, but hey, he sounds like pretty tough guy. But now it seems to make your marriage worse, not better. Maybe you yould reach some sort of compromise of discussing and occasional maintenance session?
Occasionally friendly Spencerist guy
Faktor IV of MdI - Maghan
Unofficial member of The Wicked Tribe
Putting DD back into BuDDhism

KrystalA
Posts: 522
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 4:11 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by KrystalA » Sun Nov 24, 2019 11:04 am

Welcome to the DD family here :)

Am so sorry to hear the choices your husband put on the table. I do not agree with that, like Phil was saying, it should be mutual.

You stated you are not sure why you are rebelling. Was there anything different that changed in your life two months ago? Job, co-workers, environment at work, at home, etc? I would write down all the changes then look over them. Try to pinpoint what exactly caused you to want to rebel. Deep down, something happened and I believe when you find the source, you will be able to talk to your husband in a more calming way too.

Btw, I'm a moderator here and my co-moderator is Lauren. If you have any questions about the rules or anything, please reach out to us. We are here to help.

SweetPea611
Posts: 190
Joined: Tue Oct 01, 2019 12:54 pm
Location: Northern CA

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SweetPea611 » Sun Nov 24, 2019 11:41 am

Welcome! No judgment here at all. I agree with those who’ve said conversation is needed. Calm, direct, respectful conversation to get on the same page.

It sounds like you are really struggling to submit to your husband’s authority, which makes DD challenging. That’s why getting on the same page is important. I would have earned a fairly severe spanking for the situation you described and I’d venture to say many of us TiHs here would. That said, your resentment may be about more than that particular punishment. If you’re struggling overall, it’s bound to come out when you are most vulnerable. And in my opinion, makes discipline and submission nearly impossible.

Hang in there. I really hope you can make it work ❤️

Joshua89
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Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:13 pm

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Joshua89 » Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:49 pm

Sorry about your emotional state. You guys have been doing this for a long time and you've always done pretty well with the agreed rules. I'd try to snap out of it and follow the course. Do your best and hopefully your spankings will halt or at least slow down. You can do it! I'm sure now that your HOH knows you don't want it anymore maybe he will step back amd cut a little slack while you get your rebellious stage figured out
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

SweetPea611
Posts: 190
Joined: Tue Oct 01, 2019 12:54 pm
Location: Northern CA

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SweetPea611 » Sun Nov 24, 2019 4:31 pm

I also want to add that I think some resistance to spankings or other discipline is normal. I mean, it's human not to want to be punished for wrongdoing. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that - just talk openly about it and ask for your HoH for help in embracing your submissive role. I just bringing that up would go a long way.

SpankedWife
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:20 am

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SpankedWife » Sun Nov 24, 2019 5:51 pm

Thanks so much for all the comments guys. I really appreciate it. You guys are so nice. :)

First of all, some background information. I don’t work outside of the home. My husband won’t allow it. He believes a woman’s place is in the home and I’m ok with that. I have a degree and could certainly support myself if I had to but we are well off and a second income isn’t really needed. My husband is very old fashioned and believes the man is to be the sole provider.

As for a contract...no we don’t have one and never did. We don’t practice the formalities of DD and my husband doesn’t even call it DD. I just knew that’s what it was, based on all my internet research. DD best describes what goes on in our home.

As for the rules, yes, as of recently I’ve been referring to them as “his rules” mostly because I’ve become a little resentful about how strict he is. He never lets me stay out late because he says it’s a dangerous world and he wants to protect me. I get that but sometimes I wish there could be some exceptions. He also doesn’t let me wear what I want. We argued a lot this past summer, well I mean I argued a lot, about things I wanted to wear.

I am going to talk to him and see if he might let up a bit. Despite how stern he is, he’s very easy to talk to and encourages me to speak my mind, as long as I’m respectful. He never disciplines me in anger. Not ever. He is always very controlled and calm, even when I have thoroughly ticked him off. He usually makes me stand in the corner or sends me to our room before administering a spanking. Almost always after I’m disciplined, I’m sent to bed. Doesn’t matter if it’s noon. I have to stay in bed for the rest of the day and night. He only lets me come out of our room for meals but that’s it. We have a bathroom in our bedroom.

When we were just dating, he told me about his views and how he would spank me if I stepped out of line. I totally agreed to it and liked that he cared enough about me to correct me when he thought I needed it. I agreed to marry him under the conditions that I would submit to his authority and accept discipline when he deemed it necessary. I’ve always been ok with it and you’re right, we have been doing this for many years now. Nothing new. It’s just me who has changed recently and put things out of whack. Let me explain some things....

Two months ago, my grandparents died. Well my grandfather died two months ago at the age of 94 but my grandmother passed away 3 months before him, at the age of 90. I was very close with them. They were my dad’s parents and my dad was their only child but has been deceased for nearly 20 years. They left me everything. I miss them so much it hurts. :( It was around the time of my grandfather’s death that I started to act out. My husband totally acknowledges my grief and is very gentle with me about it, but he says it’s still no excuse for rebellion and disobedience and that I will still be disciplined if I continue to test his authority. I know he’s right and he’s trying to be reasonable with me. Maybe I’m just using my grandparents death as an excuse to do what I want. I’m trying to figure out what is really going on with me.

I know one thing, I’m not going to divorce my husband. I love him far too much and would be lost without his love and guidance. I just need to set things straight in my own mind I think. Start dealing with my grief instead of acting out.

Thanks so much for all your kind and thoughtful words, guys. It’s good to know people understand. I’m going to have a talk with my husband tonight and see if we can sort through some stuff. I just want a little more freedom is all. I’ll let you guys know how it goes. Thank you again. :)
Last edited by SpankedWife on Sun Nov 24, 2019 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SpankedWife
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:20 am

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SpankedWife » Sun Nov 24, 2019 6:05 pm

Oh and as for what is referred to as maintenance spankings, I don’t get those. My husband just spanks me when I’ve actually done something wrong. He does remind me who the boss is, with warning smacks to the bottom though, or even just a stern disapproving look. As I mentioned, we don’t really practice the formalities of DD so I doubt maintenance spankings would ever be something he’d do, or that I would even want! Haha!

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