Should we even try to still practice DD?

Joshua89
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Joshua89 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 12:01 am

I have days where I ask myself the same question. Hope it passes. Don't give up when the going gets tough
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

girlzruleboyzdrool4u
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by girlzruleboyzdrool4u » Wed Nov 06, 2019 11:53 am

Lauren wrote:
Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:06 pm
Disclaimer: I asked Brandon if it was okay if I posted on here about this. Also, I can only tell my prospective and how I feel. So please do not feel like I am trying to bash my husband. I'm not. Please hang in there with me til the end. The first part is going to seem like I am only blaming him. I will get to me and my faults as well. We are at a loss and don't know what to do anymore. We would like some help or advice.


Brandon and I had a pretty serious conversation last night where I basically said I don't know why we are still together and said we should think about separating. I explained that I feel like he lives with us but he isn't really here. If we separate not a single thing would change except us not sleeping under the same roof. If one of us moved out and got his or her own place he would still be seeing his children whenever he wanted. Him and I would still be our civil selves to each other for the sake of the kids and the life we are living would be no different.

I say these things because right now and for awhile now I feel like we are not connected at all and we are not a family. I feel like he picks and chooses when he wants to be a husband and father. Or when it's convenient for him. Like it's a hat he can just take on and off. I don't think he realizes or maybe just doesn't care that being a husband and father is a full time thing. It's not something you can just say "I don't feel like doing this today." I mean you can but in my opinion that kind of makes you a crappy person. You shouldn't marry or have kids if that's the attitude you're going to have.

These are the reasons I feel the way I do:

I ask for help with the kids all the time. The response I get is huffed at, a sigh or just ignored. He acts like it is a burden to help out with his kids. It's everyday things. "Hey, can you lay down with the 3 year old while I try getting the baby to sleep?" "Can you please clean the baby up while I load the dishwasher?" "Can you watch the girls while I go outside and clean my van?" "Can you look up how long it takes to get from point A to point B?" "Can you please put lotion on my feet. They are really dry." (I have a phobia of feet. Even my own. Don't tell me you laughed at me please!) Things spouses/parents do to help out one another.

He doesn't act like a parent. His child could be crying right in front of him or talking to him and he will get up, walk right past them and go outside to have a cigarette.

He isn't present when he is with us. He is always hiding in the bathroom on his phone. Or outside smoking, usually on his phone at the same time. He will say he is going to bed just so he can get away from us and lay there on Facebook watching videos for 30+ minutes before actually going to bed. He has a serious phone issue. It's more important than being present with us.

I feel like he feels like he is more important then me. He says he is always tired. His job is stressful. He just wants to relax. Guess what.. I'm tired too. I go to bed after him. I am the one who wakes up with our kids at night. Sometimes staying up for hours on end with them lately. My day is stressful. No I don't work outside the home but that doesn't mean that I sit around and do nothing all day. I barely ever have a chance to sit down. There is so much to do around here ALL the time. Most days the only time I sit down is when I am nursing Lydia. I guess I just feel really unappreciated. He gets to clock out of his job when mine never ends. Like ever. I'm exhausted. And he acts like because he worked "a job" he doesn't have to help me with the kids.

Lastly, he comes and goes as he pleases without regard for anyone else. Examples: Saturday was our middle daughter's birthday and trick or treating. His priority was to go hunting all day and night. He missed trick or treating with his kids and I. Add on the fact that is was our 7 month old's first Holloween. Missed it. On the weekends he is going to his dad's shop to hang out, over helping everyone else in the world, hunting and who knows what else. We barely see him.

I communicate with him about all of these things all the time . Seriously, ALL the time. It feels like I am nagging all the time. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. I don't enjoy being that person. I just want my husband and our old relationship back. But I don't know how to or if he even wants the same thing. He says he does but I don't know if I believe him.

Now on to me.. I am not as appreciative of him as I should be. He DOES work very hard to provide for our family. And it's not a bad trait to help others, like family and friends. I just get bitter because I feel like he helps everyone else with a willing heart and refuses to help me. Most of the time I am disrespectful to him. I yell a lot. I am always telling him that he is doing whatever wrong. I don't love him the way he needs me to. I am sure there is more. I am hoping that Brandon will chime in and tell his side of the story so that you can get the full picture and give the best advice. We need the help!

I understand we are on the crazy cycle. He does what he does because he doesn't feel respected or loved by me. I do what I do because I do not feel loved or respected by him. How do we get off the cycle of destruction?? I have tried to change my negative behavior so that he will also change his. I stop because I feel like he doesn't do the same. And it's discouraging. So around and around we go again. This time to my breaking point. I DO NOT want to divorce my husband. Some days I love my husband. (I know that sounds awful to say.) I want to work this out. I just don't know how to.

So here's where my question comes in. Should we even consider to try to incorporate DD into our lives? Do any of you think it would help? I think this is the most ridiculous question to be asking. We have been together for almost 5 years now. We have tried I don't know how many times in those 5 years to be serious about this lifestyle. I know for a fact this is what I want. Last night he said he feels like we both do better when we are living the lifestyle. But I don't know if he was just saying that because he knows I want this so bad.

If you have hung on with me this long, I am really really sorry this is so long and I appreciate you reading it. I'm laying my heart on the line here.
I know I'm not the best advice person, because I'm always on here for advice...but I had a similar issue with my guy about phone issues. (Which why I had hid his )
We have made an agreement for him to keep it in a drawer and for our whole family to cut back on screen times and phones. Me too. At night instead of Netflix and phones, we talk and lay in bed and talk more.
We also write each other letters instead of gifts.
I'm not much of an advice person because clearly I have a huge amount of problems but my suggestion is to hang out more as friends and find ways to fall in love with each other all over again as the new people you are as you have changed how you age. It's learning to fall in love all over again through different life stages.
Hugs
I hope I can help a little.

Flrswats
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Flrswats » Wed Nov 06, 2019 12:33 pm

Lauren, I think it’s really brave of you to post here and be so vulnerable. When I was reading this it kind of struck a chord with me because I used to do a lot of the things that you said Brandon does. I wouldn’t help with small things. My schedule was my own and if Mrsswats didn’t like it it made no difference to me. I had an attitude about everything she asked me do and I would justify it with “well I make the money and I make lots of it, so you should learn your place.” It wasn’t until I saw how selfish I had become that I opened my eyes to see her begging for help and affirmation. This is when she implemented DD in our marriage. I know FLR style is the exact opposite of what is practiced in your house but the roles are still the same. One person leads and the other follows. If you can’t follow, him DD is gonna be 100 times more difficult to implement. I hope y’all hang in there and work through it. Marriage is difficult no matter who you are.

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NateG
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by NateG » Thu Nov 07, 2019 10:57 am

Lauren,

This will be long and rambling probably.

I am sorry you and Brandon are struggling with these issues, both DD and the marriage in general. I know you don't want a divorce and I hope it doesn't go in that direction.

You have a right to feel angry and frustrated about it all though. I read your post and a lot of it sounded familiar to my life and many couples I have known. I have mentioned this before to you and others, but the main issue I see is that men are just not mature and dedicated to a family lifestyle while they are young. Obviously there are exceptions...obviously...but I was very similar to what Brandon is now and so were many men I know now. Their wives tell similar stories.

Women are more mature and ready for what it takes to be a family with all of the chores and responsibilities of children. Many men are not, especially when they are still under 30. They just aren't..as much as they want to be or try to be. For many of us, it doesn't happen for us until later. I was probably 36 before I really GOT IT. I am happily married now, but I had no real understanding of what it really required to be a father and a good husband. I loved them but that wasn't enough. I couldn't handle the kids when they were young. I wasn't good at it, I wan't familiar with being around toddlers and babies and crying still drives me crazy. So, I worked a lot. Luckily Carol was very understanding and didn't yell like you said you do. I wouldn't want to be home often if someone was yelling at me. Although, you do have a legitimate reason to do so. I feel that you do, but that is me looking back on things with 31 years of marriage perspective.

It's going to be very hard for you to follow Brandon if he isn't leading. I think that is a lot of your frustration. He isn't Leading as a husband, father and most likely then not as a HoH. He probably doesn't truly understand what it will take to become all of that. Not yet.

So, answers and advice? Nothing good really. Waiting mostly. But you can take some steps that have been mentioned. There has to be some time for you to have some down time! Either Brandon will watch all of the kids, or you find babysitters like people used to do. Go somewhere and get away from the house for a few hours. By yourself. You need to have down time. Also, like what was mentioned. You and Brandon really need to reconnect as a couple. Carol and I for a while would just sit for hours at a table with coffee somewhere and talk about everything. We became friends again and really came together as a couple once more. Kids are wonderful but they are hell on a young marriage! You married Brandon, you two are supposed to be together forever, so you both need to remember that it is about you as a couple...its' not about the kids so much in the end. The kids grow up and leave....then it's just the two of you, so stay focused on being a couple. Date nights are important. Every other week, once a month, once a week..whatever you can manage. Have to get away from the kids and the house.

It will be hard to do all of this if Brandon isn't on board. I don't think he wants a divorce either. I bet he wants to be better if he knows how. Try not to yell and criticize. That doesn't mean you have to let everything go, but try to suggest or talk in an even conversational tone when possible. I am pretty sure you have a temper. Work on that. If you yell and are angry, that will only feed Brandon's anger, and apathy towards what is going on at home. To me, working 12 hour days was much easier than being home with the kids...so don't push him out more by screaming at him.

Have you tried setting down dedicated chore lists together? It might be necessary. Brandon can do a lot of what you are doing. Bathing kids, getting them dressed in the morning and whatever you need him to do.
He needs to make a conscious effort to be more engaged with you and not isolated with his phone, laying in bed. It's just not acceptable. He needs to realize his obligations and duty as a man/husband/father....it's just not about work and making money. Staying home is much much harder and he should know and respect that.

How do we get Brandon to grow into this? He might need some older male mentors. Might need a serious conversation with you. But try to work on this some more in a positive way.

I do think that you not liking to be touched would be difficult. Hard to show affection sometimes without physical touch.

Nate

Lauren
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:35 am

It's been a week. I know that is a short amount of time. But for us it is good. We are both still trying harder. There have been some hiccups but we have worked through them. Tonight we are going to try to go on a date night. (With our 3rd wheel Lydia) We are going to try to go to a movie. This all depends on whether Brandon can get off work at a decent time. And if my brother will watch the older two girls. Wish us luck! We seem to have a difficult time when it is just the two of us. We never know what to talk about and it's usually awkward.

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sweetie
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by sweetie » Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:23 am

I hope Brandon finishes work at a decent time, and your brother can watch your older daughters, allowing you to date night, Lauren. I hope all goes well. Any idea what you want to see at the Cinema?
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Lauren
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:59 am

sweetie wrote:
Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:23 am
I hope Brandon finishes work at a decent time, and your brother can watch your older daughters, allowing you to date night, Lauren. I hope all goes well. Any idea what you want to see at the Cinema?
We are thinking about seeing Playing with Fire. It has John Cena in it. It's suppose to be funny. Brandon did tell his boss earlier in the week that he needed to be home by 4:45 because I had a commitment. My commitment fell through last night. Brandon said that he's not going to tell his boss that plans changed so that we will be able to go on a date tonight.

Mel41
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Mel41 » Sun Nov 10, 2019 5:44 am

Lauren wrote:
Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:59 am
sweetie wrote:
Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:23 am
I hope Brandon finishes work at a decent time, and your brother can watch your older daughters, allowing you to date night, Lauren. I hope all goes well. Any idea what you want to see at the Cinema?
We are thinking about seeing Playing with Fire. It has John Cena in it. It's suppose to be funny. Brandon did tell his boss earlier in the week that he needed to be home by 4:45 because I had a commitment. My commitment fell through last night. Brandon said that he's not going to tell his boss that plans changed so that we will be able to go on a date tonight.
How was the movie? I really hope you were able to get away and have some time together as a couple (plus Lydia, of course). It can be so hard to do when you are knee-deep in kids, chores and other obligations but date nights are so important in marriage.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

Lauren
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:10 am

Friday night was interesting. Lydia was not content unless we were standing and swaying. So Brandon and I spent the whole time apart during the movie. It was a very good, funny movie though. I'll be buying it when it comes out. I wanted to go somewhere semi nice for dinner. That didn't happen. Not 5he end of the world though. I'll just have to leave him with all three kids sometime and go to dinner by myself!! :lol:

Goldilocks
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Goldilocks » Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:25 pm

Lauren wrote:
Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:10 am
Friday night was interesting. Lydia was not content unless we were standing and swaying. So Brandon and I spent the whole time apart during the movie. It was a very good, funny movie though. I'll be buying it when it comes out. I wanted to go somewhere semi nice for dinner. That didn't happen. Not 5he end of the world though. I'll just have to leave him with all three kids sometime and go to dinner by myself!! :lol:
Lauren, I'm sorry things didn't work out like they were supposed to.
Loving submissive wife to PapaBear.

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