New enough to know very little

Please take your time and introduce yourself to us - why Domestic Discipline, are you married, how your relationship progressed...
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Phil04
Posts: 204
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Location: Texas

Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Phil04 » Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:33 pm

femalefirefighter wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:16 pm
Even you giving an opinion that is different from his should never be a problem because you are your own person with a brain, and have the right to have a different opinion!! In no way should having a different opinion ever be wrong, even if you say something different than he did in public!! No wife should ever be a “yes dear” or manikin smiling but silent!! No one should have to go along with anything someone says just to make the other look good and that goes for spouses, and couples both in and not in public!! We definitely don’t and won’t ever be like that because hubby definitely doesn’t want me to be kept silent or act as though I don’t have my own thoughts or opinions!! So, he had absolutely no right to act like that at all even if y’all were doing DD!! JMHO

FFF 👩🏻‍🚒
FFF,
I am glad that you have found a system that works for you. However, you have no right to dictate how others dynamic should work. If a couple agrees that the HOH will not be contradicted in public, and that disagreements should only be discussed in private, who are you to tell people that dynamic is wrong for them? Yet, you do exactly that in the above post.

Phil

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femalefirefighter
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Location: USA

Re: New enough to know very little

Post by femalefirefighter » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:00 am

Phil04 wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:33 pm
femalefirefighter wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:16 pm
Even you giving an opinion that is different from his should never be a problem because you are your own person with a brain, and have the right to have a different opinion!! In no way should having a different opinion ever be wrong, even if you say something different than he did in public!! No wife should ever be a “yes dear” or manikin smiling but silent!! No one should have to go along with anything someone says just to make the other look good and that goes for spouses, and couples both in and not in public!! We definitely don’t and won’t ever be like that because hubby definitely doesn’t want me to be kept silent or act as though I don’t have my own thoughts or opinions!! So, he had absolutely no right to act like that at all even if y’all were doing DD!! JMHO

FFF 👩🏻‍🚒
FFF,
I am glad that you have found a system that works for you. However, you have no right to dictate how others dynamic should work. If a couple agrees that the HOH will not be contradicted in public, and that disagreements should only be discussed in private, who are you to tell people that dynamic is wrong for them? Yet, you do exactly that in the above post.

Phil
Umm Phil I’m not really sure if you read my whole post or not. I never said how others should work!! I never said if there was an agreement!! You are not my hoh and you have no right calling me out as though I’ve done wrong!! I never said anything was wrong for people to do I said IN MY OPINION, nobody should be made to stand by quietly without an opinion even if differs from their spouse!! Which I fully 100% feel (hence the in my opinion)!! If that’s how y’all do things, so be it, but not in my marriage which is what I stated!! Hoh or not, don’t twist my words and don’t try to call me out because I don’t sit by quietly!! Nothing you quoted me saying was wrong, so don’t try to make it so!!

That’s all I’m gonna say about that!! If you disagree that’s fine, but don’t come at me!!

FFF👩🏻‍🚒
I’m a sassy, strong, intelligent, and at times stubborn, fun loving proud southern wife, mama and Firefighter 👩🏻‍🚒. Married to a wonderful, intelligent, strong, fun loving southern man!! Proud Southern by birth, and saved by the grace of God!!

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Mel41
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Mel41 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:42 am

NRHSH wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:12 pm


H and I have always been smart-ass-y to each other (think Everybody Loves Raymond) so some of the “offenses” I read on here make me go, “Seriously? If H dealt out punishments for that kind of thing, I’d never be in the clear.”

Every couple decides what rules/boundaries are right for them. DD is definitely not one-size-fits-all. I, like you, am a smart ass and so is my husband. He loves the playful banter and would never want to change that part of me. Other husbands feel differently about it. But it's not a part of everyone's dynamic.

But here’s where we have what I consider a huge issue. Out of 365 days in a year, H gets FURIOUS with me 5-10 days/times, maybe. When I say furious, he screams, name calls, berates, threatens me...to the point where I wish I was nowhere near the man. An example: with another couple of good friends discussing an upcoming event. H said he thought so-and-so would spend X amount of dollars, I said, “oh no, I’m sure he’ll spend more than that!” and the conversation/evening continued another hour and all was well, or so I thought. The moment we were alone, he started screaming at me about making him look bad in front of people by disagreeing with him, hadn’t he told me that many times before, not to argue with him, and on and on it went. We were in our vehicle, traveling 70+ mph on the highway and it was all I could do to not throw the door open and jump out, just to get away from him. But thinking of our three kids kept me sane enough to endure the tirade for 10 miles. I’m not exaggerating when I say he was pure madman the way he screamed at me. I was rocking in my seat thinking this couldn’t be happening over...me having my own opinion??

Ok, this is where I worry. If your husband is routinely losing control and turning into a madman, yelling, berating and threatening you that is not ok. That is abusive behaviour and not what you want in a leader. He needs to be able to control himself before you should ever give him that kind of power over you.



After discovering this and reading A LOT, it hit me. What if? What if I talked to him about this lifestyle? It could go one of three ways:

1) H thinks I’m crazy;
2) H would be delighted because this could be “the spice” he’s always wanted but I’d be a miserable, possibly physically abused woman, suffering mightily when he has one of his “SNAPPED” episodes and loses his mind with rage;
3) H gets the built-up fury out of his system by occasionally doling out a punishment but ceases to verbally abuse me as a result.

I’ve wondered how I would bring it up and thought maybe the next time he snaps, because there will be a next time, I can just try to calmly ask him to “stop screaming at me and just spank me and get it over with.” That’s probably not the best idea, but it’s the best I’ve come up with.

Spanking you while he is in a fit of rage is a VERY BAD IDEA. But I think you know that.

I also want feedback from some HoHs regarding the night I described...what would YOU have done if your wife expressed a differing opinion in front of friends?

In the absence of an agreed-upon rule stating that you were not allowed to have your own voice in public he is 100% in the wrong. 100%.

If you’re still with me, and you’re thinking my best bet is to run from this forum and never look back, please tell me. Or any other thoughts you may have. I’m seriously looking for some guidance.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

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Phil04
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Phil04 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:57 am

femalefirefighter wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:00 am

Umm Phil I’m not really sure if you read my whole post or not. I never said how others should work!! I never said if there was an agreement!! You are not my hoh and you have no right calling me out as though I’ve done wrong!! I never said anything was wrong for people to do I said IN MY OPINION, nobody should be made to stand by quietly without an opinion even if differs from their spouse!! Which I fully 100% feel (hence the in my opinion)!! If that’s how y’all do things, so be it, but not in my marriage which is what I stated!! Hoh or not, don’t twist my words and don’t try to call me out because I don’t sit by quietly!! Nothing you quoted me saying was wrong, so don’t try to make it so!!

That’s all I’m gonna say about that!! If you disagree that’s fine, but don’t come at me!!

FFF👩🏻‍🚒
Did you read your post completely? The only reference to it being your opinion is the JMHO you threw in as an afterthought. You put the absolute terms "ever" and "never" in there four different times, and then when claiming it was your opinion you could not bother to spell the word out. Don't blow smoke and tell me it is cloudy.
Your post was very much pushing your brand of DD (which is far looser than most of us here) and telling the rest of us we were wrong.

Phil

NRHSH
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by NRHSH » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:48 am

I appreciate all the feedback regardless of the differing opinions. The advice to have a very clear set of rules agreed upon by each of us would be paramount, but I’m also being made fully aware that with H’s history of snapping that I could be setting myself up for disaster. That being said, you’ve each given me much to think about! Thank you so much.

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Mel41
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Mel41 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:20 am

Phil04 wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:57 am
femalefirefighter wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:00 am

Umm Phil I’m not really sure if you read my whole post or not. I never said how others should work!! I never said if there was an agreement!! You are not my hoh and you have no right calling me out as though I’ve done wrong!! I never said anything was wrong for people to do I said IN MY OPINION, nobody should be made to stand by quietly without an opinion even if differs from their spouse!! Which I fully 100% feel (hence the in my opinion)!! If that’s how y’all do things, so be it, but not in my marriage which is what I stated!! Hoh or not, don’t twist my words and don’t try to call me out because I don’t sit by quietly!! Nothing you quoted me saying was wrong, so don’t try to make it so!!

That’s all I’m gonna say about that!! If you disagree that’s fine, but don’t come at me!!

FFF👩🏻‍🚒
Did you read your post completely? The only reference to it being your opinion is the JMHO you threw in as an afterthought. You put the absolute terms "ever" and "never" in there four different times, and then when claiming it was your opinion you could not bother to spell the word out. Don't blow smoke and tell me it is cloudy.
Your post was very much pushing your brand of DD (which is far looser than most of us here) and telling the rest of us we were wrong.

Phil
Wow guys, this isn't fair to the original poster. We don't always agree with the way each other does DD but maybe it could be handled privately so she can continue to get advice from others.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

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Phil04
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Location: Texas

Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Phil04 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:39 am

Mel41 wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:20 am

Wow guys, this isn't fair to the original poster. We don't always agree with the way each other does DD but maybe it could be handled privately so she can continue to get advice from others.
Mel,
You are correct. My apologies.

NRHSH,
I apologize about hijacking your thread. Every couple does DD differently, and sometimes different styles can butt heads.

Phil
Last edited by Phil04 on Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Lauren
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Lauren » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:47 am

I am now putting my Mod hat on here.

Phil04,
FFF was stating her opinion in every post she wrote. The original poster asked for people's thoughts and opinions. She never said that that's how the original posters relationship HAS to go. She stated how it works in her marriage and what would have happened if the situation happend to her. I've read this whole thread several times to make sure I am understanding. Everyone else thinks the original poster was simply stating her opinion on the matter of money going to be spent. You think she was contradicting her husband. Difference of opinion. But your opinion none the less. We need to agree to disagree and respect each other.

I want to thank you for apologizing to NRHSH. It was the right thing to do. I appreciate it.

FFF,
Only thing I see wrong here is this phrase:
femalefirefighter wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:24 pm
Now, hubby and I don’t do the I guess what most say is the traditional DD because we both respect each other, have no set “rules” and are partners in our marriage!!
I have seen you use it several times and it comes off quite rude.It insinuates that other submissives are not respected just because they are the submissive and that they are not partners in their marriage. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from using this statement again.


Like Mel41 said, we need to stay on topic and leave the arguments in private messages.

Thank you!

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DesertRose
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Re: New enough to know very little

Post by DesertRose » Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:58 am

NRHSH wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:48 am
I appreciate all the feedback regardless of the differing opinions. The advice to have a very clear set of rules agreed upon by each of us would be paramount, but I’m also being made fully aware that with H’s history of snapping that I could be setting myself up for disaster. That being said, you’ve each given me much to think about! Thank you so much.
I'm not living this lifestyle yet, so I don't have enough experience to give you advice. However, I don't think that your husband got very angry just because you disagreed with him in public - keeping in mind that I don't know enough about your relationship, I'm just analyzing based on what I know from your post - It seems that your husband has the habit of keeping his feelings to himself most of the time, so he wouldn't tell you immediately when he is hurt or upset, and then without a warning he would explode at you over a minor thing which makes him appear overreacting. This also explains why he "only" gets this angry few times a year.

I'm not by any means defending him or giving him an excuse to treat you disrespectfully. Not at all. In fact, one of the reasons why I'm seeking DD for my future marriage is to prevent these kinds of episodes from happening.

But there's no smoke without fire. I think what you need to do now is to communicate deeply with your husband, tell him how you feel and ask him to open up to you. Once you have an understanding of where you are in your marriage, you will be able to figure out what might improve your relationship.

Finally, I would like to note that DD is not black and white.. it is all a gray area. Every DD marriage is different based on personalities and circumstances. If you decided to give this lifestyle a try, take baby-steps.. maybe choose a rule or two and work around them.. so you won't be overwhelmed. Also, you have the right to refuse certain punishments of you feel they are abusive to you.

I wish you all the best... and may happiness will shower your marriage for years to come.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

Tann
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Joined: Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:45 pm

Re: New enough to know very little

Post by Tann » Sat Sep 14, 2019 5:06 pm

DesertRose wrote:
Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:58 am
However, I don't think that your husband got very angry just because you disagreed with him in public - keeping in mind that I don't know enough about your relationship, I'm just analyzing based on what I know from your post - It seems that your husband has the habit of keeping his feelings to himself most of the time, so he wouldn't tell you immediately when he is hurt or upset, and then without a warning he would explode at you over a minor thing which makes him appear overreacting. This also explains why he "only" gets this angry few times a year.
From my own experience I think this might very well be the case.

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