Early frustrations

Mel41
Posts: 221
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:58 pm

Early frustrations

Post by Mel41 » Tue Nov 27, 2018 6:51 am

We are still very new to the concept of using discipline to change behaviour (2 weeks) and I feel like we have already hit a few speed bumps. The worst was last night - I was moody after my "advances" got rejected and couldn't sleep so after tossing and turning for a while I took the magic wand and went out to the living room. Hearing me leave, he asked what was wrong and I said "nothing, I just cant sleep. I'll be back in a few minutes." I figured if I took the edge off I would be able to fall asleep much easier. Within a few minutes he came out to check on me, ruining my attempt at blowing off some steam. Again, I told him I was fine and to go back to bed. He was frustrated with my lack of communication but went back to the room anyway. He left me for about a half an hour, by which point I had decided to spend the rest of the night on the couch so when he came out of the room again I was almost asleep. He gently told me to come to bed and I did, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep next to him feeling as frustrated as I was. I played on my phone for a while until he fell asleep and only then could I close my eyes and get some rest. So, to make a long story short, I broke three rules last night all in the span of about half an hour.
1. No orgasm without permission (I didn't but I sure tried)
2. No lying.
3. No going to bed with unresolved issues.

This morning, everything is fine and it's like it never happened. While I appreciate the leniency somewhat, it's frustrating. Why even have these rules if they dont mean anything?
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

SurrealSD
Posts: 228
Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:12 am

Re: Early frustrations

Post by SurrealSD » Tue Nov 27, 2018 7:54 am

Mel41 wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 6:51 am

This morning, everything is fine and it's like it never happened. While I appreciate the leniency somewhat, it's frustrating. Why even have these rules if they dont mean anything?
At a guess, he probably feels like it's his fault for rejecting your advances and that you don't deserve to be punished for his failing.

The whole point of DD is improving communication, and you're not communicating with him. You need to tell him how you feel.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

Mel41
Posts: 221
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:58 pm

Re: Early frustrations

Post by Mel41 » Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:00 am

He is really stressed out this week which is why I suggested I help him "de-stress" last night. It stung a little when he said no, but mostly because he wouldn't let me support him, not because of the sex. I don't want to add to his stress by adding my feelings into the mix right now.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

SurrealSD
Posts: 228
Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:12 am

Re: Early frustrations

Post by SurrealSD » Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:36 am

Mel41 wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:00 am
He is really stressed out this week which is why I suggested I help him "de-stress" last night. It stung a little when he said no, but mostly because he wouldn't let me support him, not because of the sex. I don't want to add to his stress by adding my feelings into the mix right now.
That would work if you were able to just stop having feelings because he's stressed out. Unfortunately you can't. You're going to keep having feelings because you're a person, and because you're a person those feelings are going to find a way to express themselves. Like last night when you assumed you knew what he needed, offered it, felt rejected and frustrated, and ended up keeping both of you awake and causing resentment. Do you see how all of this would have been averted if you had just asked him honestly what he needed and told him honestly what you were feeling? It would have been much *less* stressful for both of you.

A lot of other members of this forum know how to soften their words and sound less abrasive than I do. I suck at the "gentle words" part. I'm not trying to attack or hurt you. But I do want to help you see that you're going to keep having these problems until you are open and honest with your husband about how you feel, and accept nothing less than openness an honesty from him in return.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

TheGoodWifeLife
Posts: 396
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 11:02 am
Location: Tennessee, USA

Re: Early frustrations

Post by TheGoodWifeLife » Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:52 am

I know there’s a saying used by plenty of couples about never going to bed angry, but honestly, sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Get some rest, and by morning, the problem or issue almost always vanishes or seems tiny compared to the night before. My worst arguments with dh are when we’re both tired and emotions run high. I do think you should communicate your own frustrations, but it was probably wise of you not to do that last night. Today or this evening, maybe you can find a good time to snuggle up next to him and talk about your feelings. Ask him about his as well. We all sometimes shut down for awhile when stress is high. I don’t think it’s anything personal, but I know it does hurt to be turned down when you’re attempting to comfort or love them. You should talk to him. I’m sure you’ll both feel much better for it :)
Sassy Southern Wife & Mama & follower of Jesus

TheGoodWifeLife
Posts: 396
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 11:02 am
Location: Tennessee, USA

Re: Early frustrations

Post by TheGoodWifeLife » Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:55 am

SurrealSD wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:36 am


A lot of other members of this forum know how to soften their words and sound less abrasive than I do. I suck at the "gentle words" part. I'm not trying to attack or hurt you. But I do want to help you see that you're going to keep having these problems until you are open and honest with your husband about how you feel, and accept nothing less than openness an honesty from him in return.
Lol, Surreal I appreciate your bluntness and honesty! You commented to me once “of course he has no idea how you feel, you haven’t told him!” And it was like a lightbulb in my brain went off because you were totally right :D
Sassy Southern Wife & Mama & follower of Jesus

Mel41
Posts: 221
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:58 pm

Re: Early frustrations

Post by Mel41 » Tue Nov 27, 2018 9:27 am

Surreal, I definitely don't mind blunt and to-the-point. In fact I appreciate it.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

AlphaWife
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:54 pm

Re: Early frustrations

Post by AlphaWife » Tue Nov 27, 2018 10:19 am

Have you asked him what you can do to help him when he is stressed out?
Married since May 2019 Together for 7 years. DD for 4.5 years.

Mel41
Posts: 221
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:58 pm

Re: Early frustrations

Post by Mel41 » Tue Nov 27, 2018 10:57 am

Sort of... he is pretty good at handling his stress but I still feel it. I know he doesnt like to burden me with difficult things in his life because I have a hard time separating other people's stress from my own. It eats me up physically and makes me sick. So I know he holds a lot in and doesnt ask for help as much as I'd like him to, to protect me.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

Mel41
Posts: 221
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2018 4:58 pm

Update: Early frustrations

Post by Mel41 » Wed Nov 28, 2018 9:26 am

When hubby got home last night we were both exhausted but we did talk about what happened the night before and did a quick reset (our word for punishment, as neither of us like the negative connotations of the word punish) to get back on track. It was our first one, actually, and I thought it went quite well. I was proud of him for doing what I'm sure wasn't easy.
🎵 Hit me baby one more time 🎵

In love, and together in life, with Steve41

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