A very new HI from AUS

Please take your time and introduce yourself to us - why Domestic Discipline, are you married, how your relationship progressed...
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EllaBella
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:20 pm

A very new HI from AUS

Post by EllaBella » Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:33 pm

Hi Everyone, thought I would introduce myself. I’m Ella and my husband and I are considering the DD lifestyle.
While I have been aware and interested in it for years, it is only very recently that I had the courage to breach the subject with my husband and much to my surprise, he has agreed to consider it.
Funnily enough, I sent him an article I saw on this page and we were both shocked to discover it was the same website he had both been using as research….. great minds think alike aye.

We are from the ‘land down under’ so to my knowledge this lifestyle is far from popular or accepted here however I’m very keen to give it ago. We are literally starting from scratch here and this website has been an absolute wealth of knowledge. Seriously, by far the best one out there for people like us.

It’s hard to describe what has led me here so I thought perhaps putting it in words may help so my apologies in advance for my ramblings.

My husband and I have been together for going on eleven years now (we are both in our late 20’s), lived together for 9 & married 4. We have 2 young children and I am now in my final trimester for our third and final addition.
Within the past year we had what I consider to be a major lifestyle transition and our lives shifted very quickly from the path we had both found ourselves traveling before hand. It is with this transition I have realized how unhappy I have become in myself, appalled that I have found myself in the position where I question my ability to be the wife & mother I have always expected of myself. As I whole, I really feel like I am letting my family down, I am failing in my role and I am failing myself.
I should add in no way shape or form has my husband approached me with any concerns he may have nor have there been any problems in our marriage, but I know they are there bubbling away in the background. If anything, this past year has made us stronger than ever, perhaps that is what has led me to want to further improve myself? I’m honestly unsure but here I am.

I have always been a very strong-willed woman, always worked, always contributed and for the most part did whatever the hell I pleased with little or no regard for those around me. It is only recently I have begun to understand the impacts my actions and attitude have had on both myself and my family, especially my husband and I fear there may come a time where I am left standing by myself because of my own selfish actions. Although I still work and earn a considerable amount of money I have found since removing ourselves from our once extremely hectic and stressful life the roles in our relationship have turned, and although I am absolutely thrilled about this (so much less stress on me now) I have really found myself struggling to fully adapt to our new roles.

My husband works full time out of the home while I now only work 3- 4 days a week from the comforts of a home office with the hours that suit me. Despite my best intentions I still find myself expecting him to do majority of the home duties, and this is not okay. My main problem I believe is procrastination & sheer laziness. The dishes need doing, I’ll do them later… or he will, the washing is piling up…. I’ll do it later, the house has been exploded by our mini overlords…. I’ll clean it later.. or he will. I am guilty of removing myself from situations where I know I should be completing a task, whether it be going to the shops when I should be cleaning or buying take out when there is no excuse for not cooking and then becoming extremely defensive when the issue is mentioned, probably to the point where my husband just doesn’t even bother any more because he knows what me response will be.

I think one of my main problems is I have no accountability, I mean we have been together for a very long time and he has expressed to me over the past few nights when discussing DD, I have somewhat blunted his ability to stand up to me, knowing that I will most likely do what I want at the end of the day. I can feel we are both treading carefully when we discuss this, him not wanting to upset me I’m sure, me feeling incredibility guilty I have done this to him. I have so so much respect for him however I don’t feel he knows this.
I honestly feel this is where our main issue is going to lye if we chose to adapt to the DD lifestyle, when there is an issue I am going to become defensive and he is not going to be able to ‘dominate’ the situation and take charge. He is a wonderful, gentle & kind man, this I believe is going to be our biggest hurdle.

I honestly feel within my heart this could be the solution to our issues however getting things off the ground is where I think we are both a little in the dark. As I mentioned earlier I am currently pregnant so we have a couple of months to work out the kinks & really decide if this is right before 100% committing to anything as I don’t feel comfortable doing so while growing a person, that being said I am keen as anything to give it ago.

If anyone has any advice or tips to help us on our journey it would be much appreciated.

aliM
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 12:10 pm

Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by aliM » Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:00 am

Hi Ella
Welcome to the forum! Your introduction is beautifully written and very clear. I'm sure many people here will be able to give you support and advice on DD when you decide it's appropriate to start.
I'm also a newbie in DD. My husband and I plan to start implementing the dynamic next week.
Best wishes for your pregnancy.
Ali

Mt4fun
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:30 am

Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by Mt4fun » Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:54 pm

We bought Clint' s book on Amazon. Guide to Domestic Discipline. We have found a lot of information, and that is where I would recommend starting as well. Let things build from there.
Tracy

EllaBella
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:20 pm

Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by EllaBella » Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:38 pm

Thank you both for your reply.

If you don't mind me asking Ali, how did your husband and yourself stumble upon DD and make the final decision to give it ago? Once you had made the decision, how did you go about establishing the basic 'rules' or 'guidelines'? Did you do as what was recommended on the website or book or did you go your own way?
My apologies for the third degree, I (as Clint mentioned in his book early on) have a billion questions and unfortunately we don't have the luxury of having anyone to talk to about it.

We actually purchased the book late yesterday evening and we are both currently reading through it. I actually wish I had read it before speaking with my better half, would have made the entire situation so much easier.
I think after much discussion we are both willing to give this a try.

It's amazing how even discussing DD has helped us in ways we didn't know we needed it. Already I can feel a positive change in our relationship, being able to talk so freely about something considered somewhat 'taboo' with my husband without any fear is an incredible feeling, knowing that I can do this alone has helped us tremendously.
I also showed him what I wrote above as I had been unable to put into physical words before and the communication barrier that we were both unaware was there seemed to have come crashing down, I think he's amazed at the fact I have taken some responsibility and that alone I think has swayed him haha.

aliM
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 12:10 pm

Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by aliM » Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:48 pm

Hi Ella,

I'm happy to share :) I had gotten so over tired with work and lack of self I care over the past year that I couldn't feel or think straight about anything. I had entered pure survival mode and had started lashing out at those closest to me, mostly my husband. I kept going until the start of my vacation time then collapsed. My body finally took over and I slept pretty much day and night for nearly two weeks.
As soon as I started feeling more human again I began seriously thinking about what I had done and not done to contribute to my burnout, and feeling deep remorse for how I had treated my husband during that time.
I already knew that DD existed though previous, happier, investigation of kink, and decided to investigate further. That led me to Clint and Chelsea's website and books, which I completely devoured.
When I brought the idea to my husband, he was willing to try it out, as (his words) he was afraid he would not be able to cope with another year like the one I had just put him through despite how deeply he loved me.
In order to set out our first rules list, we discussed at length the qualities we hold dear in our relationship, as well as the root causes of my problems. We then brainstormed through a few typical scenarios to get a feel for what we thought was unacceptable behaviour. We wrote all the keywords we had uncovered on a whiteboard and ate our meals before it for several days, bringing up new items or clarifying other as the need arose. The basic structure of the rules list got worked out during several long walks through the woods with our dog, an activity that always helps us feel closer to each other.
We wrote a first draft last week and decided to let them sit and sink in for a while before actually starting a 3 month trial of the dynamic. I've been away most of the week for work, and we agreed we would start soon after my return.
I'll be back home in two days time, and we'll see where we go from there.
I hope this has been helpful!
All the best,
Ali

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Clint
Posts: 157
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 12:01 pm
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Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by Clint » Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:42 am

EllaBella wrote:
Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:33 pm
Hi Everyone, thought I would introduce myself. I’m Ella and my husband and I are considering the DD lifestyle.
While I have been aware and interested in it for years, it is only very recently that I had the courage to breach the subject with my husband and much to my surprise, he has agreed to consider it.
Funnily enough, I sent him an article I saw on this page and we were both shocked to discover it was the same website he had both been using as research….. great minds think alike aye.

[...]
I honestly feel within my heart this could be the solution to our issues however getting things off the ground is where I think we are both a little in the dark. As I mentioned earlier I am currently pregnant so we have a couple of months to work out the kinks & really decide if this is right before 100% committing to anything as I don’t feel comfortable doing so while growing a person, that being said I am keen as anything to give it ago.

If anyone has any advice or tips to help us on our journey it would be much appreciated.

Great introductio!
Barnes are blessings, as Shakespeare would say... so there's that! And of course, welcome on board - I look forward to your journey! Both of you are already on board, so it's just a little bit of practice ;)
Clint from Domestic-Discipline.net
How do you like the web site ? If you have any ideas or wishes for future posts, don't hold back!

Belle
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:21 am

Re: A very new HI from AUS

Post by Belle » Mon Aug 14, 2017 10:58 am

Hello, fellow Australian also trying to figure it all out :)

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