Advice please

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Jamie D
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:26 am

Advice please

Post by Jamie D » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:39 am

Hello

I am sorry to bother you but I am very new to this topic.

It’s fair to say my husband has always worn the trousers in the relationship and to be honest that always been ok with me. I am not saying I am not my own person but I genuinely don’t know what I would do without him. We have two children and he is away a lot with work and I am left to look after the children most of the time. I am struggling a little to cope if I am honest.

He has proposed that it would help if I had a bit more structure to help make some of the decisions that I find difficult easier. I hadn’t heard of the phrase dometic discipline before, but he has asked that I learn about it and then we are going to discuss whether it’s something we are going to build into our relationship.

My mind is all over the place and whilst I like the idea of the structure and support I really don’t know how I feel about it and need to know more.

So I would really appreciate it if someone could talk to me and help me understand more. Or if there is anyone who has been through where I am it would be great if you could share your experience and whether this is something I should agree to.

Thanks in advance

Jamie

I will add my email address in case people are ok to contact me privately.

Jamie.dean76@yahoo.com

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sweetie
Posts: 1178
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 6:53 am
Location: United Kingdom

Re: Advice please

Post by sweetie » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:07 am

Hi Jamie. Welcome and good luck. All I can really say is that for us DD has helped us tremendously. If you haven't already I'd recommend taking a look at Clint and Chelsea's excellent Domestic Discipline blogs on this forum here: viewforum.php?f=23

Best wishes.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Jamie D
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:26 am

Re: Advice please

Post by Jamie D » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:17 am

Thank you very much I will look at those

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Phil04
Posts: 347
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:42 am
Location: Texas

Re: Advice please

Post by Phil04 » Sat Oct 06, 2018 9:13 am

Jamie,
Welcome to the forum. There are a wealth of people here who can answer your questions. Even though I am the HoH (head of household), I understand about the mixed emotions. When we were considering DD I was torn because I was raised the the concept of not hitting women deeply engrained. On the other hand, I saw a lot of potential in MyLove, that some structure and discipline could bring out and would both make life better for the whole family, but also make he feel better about herself. In the end we agreed to give it a try, we quickly decided this was going to be a life long thing.

Phil04

Jamie D
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:26 am

Re: Advice please

Post by Jamie D » Sat Oct 06, 2018 10:54 am

Thank you for the response I appreciate it.

May I ask how you started. Did you just pick a couple of things to start working on.

Or did you start with setting down a full set of rules and expectations?

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MyLove
Posts: 334
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 12:34 pm

Re: Advice please

Post by MyLove » Sat Oct 06, 2018 12:57 pm

Hi Jamie!
Ohhhh, I can relate to having 2 children to look after, and feeling overwhelmed! While Phil04 was not away often, he did leave for an inernational trip when my youngest was tiny, and it was SO overwhelming! He has also had work situations where he had to put in long hours, and therefore I had to put in long hours as a stay at home mom. I don't know how old your children are, or if you work outside the home, but one of the things that was so helpful for me was to find a support system of mom friends. I don't know where you are from, or which mom groups are available to you, but those times when I had adult interactions at my MOPS group, while my kids were looked after for a few hours really kept me sane!

I think the structure of dd has been very helpful as well. I am a very creative, free-spirited, right-brained person, but I know my children thrive on structure and knowing what to expect, so I wanted to provide that sort of home environment for them. I also know that I married a brilliant, analytical, practical, and exteremely caring and trustworthy man, (I love you, Honey!! :D ) who would prefer a little more order to our daily lives as well. I was concerned that trying to become more structured, and dropping the sarcasm (that I found amusing, but Phil found deeply disrespectful) would mean I was attempting to change who I was, but this has not been the case. I find that I can still be witty and silly without being sarcastic, and that I too, thrive with structure.

Phil is happy to make decisions when I am at an impasse, and it has been a relief just to follow his lead, trusting that he has looked at the issue from all angles. It has also been nice when I get stuck in a negative thought pattern, and venting turns to complaining/whining/obsessing (which doesn't happen often, but I am human) he can just tell me to stop.

What has worked well for us, instead of making a whole huge list of rules, is we started with the 4 Ds: Disrespect, Disobeying, Dishonesty, and Dangerous. I think we did that for a month or so, and then Phil asked if I had things that I wanted to work on. I wanted to be a better housekeeper, so we implemented a chore system that we are still refining. Then, after I got used to doing more around the house, he chose something he wanted me to work on: my explosive temper when I get overwhelmed or stressed. I had gotten in the BAD habbit of screaming as a cathartic release, often at our kids. It terrified them, and I hated myself every time I did it, so I was very motivated to stop!

I would talk to your husband, and see what sort of things specifically that he is hoping to see improve in you, and think of a few things you would like to improve yourself, and just pick a few. Discuss which punishments he had in mind when he asked you to research this, and be open about anything you are not comfortable with or outright terrified of. With dd, the more you communicate, the more likely it is to be successful.

Wow. I wrote a book. Ok, time to stop! :lol:
Led in love by Phil04, and learning to submit by the Grace of God. Naturally submissive, but not perfectly so, I am praying for a pure heart and virtuous character. 💕

Jamie D
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:26 am

Re: Advice please

Post by Jamie D » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:55 pm

Wow. Thank you so much. I really mean it that was such a big help.

I love what you said about not changing who you are as a person. That resonated with me.

I know I can be a better mother than I have been. I too let things get on top of me sometimes and I take it out on everyone else including the kids. I like the idea of some additional structure and guidance.

I really like the idea of starting with the four D’s I haven’t heard of that before, I might use that with the kids. They are 5 and 8 by the way.

I also could do much better with the house. It’s embarrassing sometimes when we have guests unexpectedly and the house work I kept putting off is plain to see. Plus when we have people round for dinner it’s like a 3 or 4 hour job to get the house looking respectable.

There are also some things I struggle with in terms of will power. I have a weakness for snacks and have tried all sorts of diets and I just don’t think I can do it on my own. I am not really overweight or anything but I would like to lose a little bit of weight and I would love to find some time to get back to the gym. But one thing at a time I think. Asking him what he thinks we should work on is a good idea too.

Having said all that I must admit I am a quite apprehensive. I am trying to be open minded but reading some of the stuff on here about the punishments, it is pretty scary. He hasn’t discussed with me anything about that yet.

I do trust him completely and he has said he absolutely won’t force me to do it, but If we do it’s got to be with full trust and commitment or it will not work. I am guessing you would agree with that?

Hearing that things are working well for you and it’s been a help gives me some more confidence about maybe giving it a try.

Did you commit to a minimum trial period? I am a bit worried that I will try and quit as soon as I first get in trouble for something 😉

Lauren
Posts: 1254
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:45 pm
Location: Wisconsin

Re: Advice please

Post by Lauren » Sat Oct 06, 2018 5:08 pm

Jaime,

Reading some people's punishments on here can be scary. For example CassLynn and I's punishments are extreme. You do not start that way. And everyone's pain tolerance is different. Please don't be scared off because you read some extreme punishments. Some people here get 5 swats with the hand and that does it for them. If you're uncomfortable with something, talk with your husband. Each couple needs to find what works for them.

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MyLove
Posts: 334
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2018 12:34 pm

Re: Advice please

Post by MyLove » Sat Oct 06, 2018 6:12 pm

I'm so glad to be helpful! I'm trying to remember, but I think when we started we were going to try it for a week. I was reassured that he encouraged my feedback, and loved the cuddling after any punishment was over, reassuring each other that we were both okay. I also have always had safewords, which some on this forum would disagree with, but we as a couple know I am not the type to abuse them.
Yellow- pause a sec, I need to catch my breath or get myself back together. This shows Phil I am at the very edge of my pain tolerance, and clues him in if we are using something different that it is possibly more painful than he thought. I think I have said it twice, and he always asks if I'm ready to keep going.
Red- STOP. The spanking is over, period. I do NOT consent. We have a serious discussion if we will persue dd at all in the futue. I have never used that word.

If you decide to give this a try, the first punnishment will likely be awkward, and I know I was a little freaked out. But if you get through it the first time, it takes away the unknown about it, which for me is one of the scariest things. In our relationship, it is also completely fine to tell my husband, "I need a few minutes, please" before a spanking to get myself together. If I were fighting, or crying or hiding (I never have) my husband would NOT punish me at that moment, because obviously something was really wrong that we needed to talk about. Punishments never happen if he is not in complete control of himself, or if I am not calm, focused on what went wrong, and accepting that these exreme measures are meant to help me and us.
-ML💕
Led in love by Phil04, and learning to submit by the Grace of God. Naturally submissive, but not perfectly so, I am praying for a pure heart and virtuous character. 💕

AddyJane
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:26 pm

Re: Advice please

Post by AddyJane » Sat Oct 06, 2018 10:32 pm

Jamie D wrote:
Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:39 am
[...]
So I would really appreciate it if someone could talk to me and help me understand more. Or if there is anyone who has been through where I am it would be great if you could share your experience and whether this is something I should agree to.

Thanks in advance

Jamie
Jamie,
Nice to meet you!
I think you’ve got some good feedback: take it slow, do your reading and don’t get overwhelmed with all the DD accounts out there.
I don’t know if it helps but my husband did communicate quite specifically what DD would entail before I ever consented.
And I mean when I say this, we had open communication where my husband pulled me aside in the moment and verbally told me in every instance that would have warranted a spanking had we been in a state where I was consenting.
He did this for over a two month period; to be honest it was helpful and at times I was surprised. I think this helped me not be blindsided by how often I would be corrected and how truly strict he was.
Eventually when i grew confident that he would be fair and half-convinced i could benefit from it, I consented and agreed to give it a trial period. Thinking of those “trial days” , and if we could do it over again- we might have refined our rule list to the essentials to start out. He was ambitious😂.

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