Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

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Texasdd
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Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2018 10:52 pm

Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Texasdd » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:12 pm

Hi, my husband and I recently decided to try DD. Tonight he spanked me for the first time. It was not a practice session. I had lied to him and we agreed this was the right thing to do.
Ok, first off it HURT! I had never been spanked before.
I mangaged to not squirm much, and I even cried.
But at some point I totally lost my temper. I told him I wanted a divorce and got really mad.
He immediately stopped the spank, and remained calm and patient. He held me but I resisted I was so angry.
I eventually calmed down and feel better about the experience now.

However, I am wanting advice on what I’m wondering...I did get really angry and lose my temper and I’m wondering if DD is right for me. Thoughts?

Thanks.

Kerry
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Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Kerry » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:21 pm

What made you angry? I remember doubting it would work then after an hour of reflection, feeling better and believing in dd again. I remember thinking I couldn’t handle it and begging him to stop but I think the not being in control is actually a wonderful experience and helps me. So I think you need to decide what caused the anger? You lied. You agreed. He followed through. Did he mock you? Did you feel embarrassed? Share your thoughts
Key

brookley
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:30 pm

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by brookley » Tue Jul 10, 2018 11:44 pm

When my hubby and I tried DD the first time, I had a lot of moments like what you just described. I had agreed to it, but still I was resisting and trying to control the situation, and feeling so powerless made me angry and depressed. We stopped because of a lot of things but looking back, what I realized was that the cause of this anger and hurt was my own unwillingness to let go of control. I wasn’t accepting the fact that I was, in fact, wrong. Instead I wanted to focus on the fact that HE isn’t perfect either, and I couldn’t get past the resentment over the fact that no one was making HIM hurt when HE made mistakes. I was being prideful and lashing out when I was actually embarrassed or confused.

We are starting again because I finally came to terms with a few very important things that might help you:
Firstly, I am not weak or lesser for accepting physical correction from my man. In fact, I am empowered by it because it forces me to take accountability for my actions and see them for what they are rather than what I want them to be. (For example, I think I’m standing up for myself when he disagrees with something I say, when really I’m picking a fight that usually doesn’t even matter)
Secondly, looking at the world from that altered perspective makes for a MUCH more peaceful environment. In the last three days I have noticed at least five instances in which I would have previously started a fight and ruined both our days, but instead things have gone smoothly because I’ve chosen to let go of the control in those situations, not be so sensitive, and not force my ‘I’m right’ attitude.
Finally, the threat of a spanking is great motivation on all levels, and I’ve found that when I manage to get into an accepting frame of mind during my punishments, the release I get at the end and the swell of love I feel when it’s over and my HoH forgives me is priceless.

In short, I think you were drawn to DD for a reason. All of us here are. And whatever underlying issues you have that are causing your anger (in my case embarrassment and pride) CAN be helped through the DD lifestyle, you just have to work at it because no one but you can figure out why you’re feeling that way. Maybe you need to take a break and distance yourself like I did to see it, but when you do, you can start working on it. It will get better, I promise.

Best of luck.
Brookley
Striving every day to be the best version of me for my Hoh, for my family, and for myself.

CassLynn
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Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by CassLynn » Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:36 am

Maybe emotionally you’re not ready for as much pain as you felt. There are so many factors and what others have said I think is very helpful. My idea that may or may not help is to start with milder spankings. You’re getting used to submission and rules and accountability and so many things. You did fine agreeing to the spanking but the severity freaked you out. If you use milder spankings for a while it’ll give you a chance to emotionally adjust to all this and when other elements feel safe and comfortable you can try harder punishments.

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sweetie
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Location: United Kingdom

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by sweetie » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:23 am

I agree with Kerry that you need to explore what made you angry and why?

This is a process and you don't need to rush it or force it because you both have to be comfortable with it. Maybe you could consider other forms of discipline and work your way up to spanking, for example, corner time or writing lines.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Dionysyus
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Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:22 pm

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Dionysyus » Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:17 pm

Probably the suggestions of taking your time a bit more and building up with harder practice or maintenance spankings are a good idea.

I think what went on here is not uncommon. Once you feel truly threatened, your amygdala starts to go off. It's going to go one of two ways. If it thinks you can handle your husband, then it's going to send blood to your hands and get you angry. If it thinks your husband is stronger than you, then it will send blood to your legs and create a feeling of fear (one can observe this directly, the angry submissive will have red clenched fists and be trying to push up, a fearful submissive will be kicking and squirming with their legs to move forward).

I think one of the worst things an HoH can do is spank their submissive until she is really angry and then stop, because then she ends up sitting in a place of anger, not one of contrition, and also, the amygdala learns it was right, husband be dealt with successfully with anger. Also he ends up feeling more disrespected than he was at the start, because now there's the original transgression plus a bunch of new disrespect.

With an experienced couple that is confident in their relationship, the answer is for the HoH to "spank through" the anger. Eventually your brain will figure out that anger is not going to work, and submission will set in. It's not good to stop the spanking until that state has been achieved. The anger is just a stage that passes. It's not the final emotional state. If anger doesn't get what your body wants (the spanking to end) it will before too long go on to another strategy.

The HoH does have to acknowledge legal reality, however, and if you are threatening him with divorce and such, and you have not yet had a detailed discussion about consensual non-consent, well then he's right to protect himself by stopping, but that's not a good outcome for your relationship.

I think to get past this you two would have to talk about this extensively ahead of time though to agree to "consensual non-consent", so that once the spanking begins, you know that at angry reaction will only result in even more and harder spanking.

You can mentally prepare yourself perhaps by rationalizing that what is going on is not abuse, but correction, and also, you are paying him respect. You are repaying the respect-deficit you created by lying. At the end of a good spanking, one where you end up contrite, you will both feel less tense and you will see him become more affectionate and loving towards you. He wants admiration and respect, and you want love and affection. If you make it through the spanking, you WILL get your love and affection. If you don't allow him to get his sense of justice for the disrespect, he will just build up more resentment, and you will feel less affection and love coming your way. Taking a solid spanking is not going to cause you any sort of injury. It's just short term pain. Rejecting the spanking, however, will cause injury to your relationship.

That said, again, it's probably good to rebuild some confidence with regular maintenance spankings for a while, before attempting to "spank through the anger". Note that you will likely have to pass this hurtle at some point. Now that your amygdala knows that anger for sure worked once, it's going to try it again and again, until it knows that anger is a waste of time.

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NateG
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Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by NateG » Wed Jul 11, 2018 2:36 pm

I had to laugh a little bit reading your post. Sorry. I thought it a little funny that you got so angry. You said you were never spanked before... so I guess you were surprised by how much it hurts?

I really like what Brookley wrote. The other posts also had very good suggestions, but I thought hers was very much right on spot.

Nate

Lovely
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Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 6:37 pm

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Lovely » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:04 pm

Hmm plenty of good advice from all the replies already. I'm not sure I have anything to add. I just wanted to comment out of support and also to say that you don't have to decide now if DD is right for you or not. Give it time. It's not for everyone and it isn't wrong if you decide it isn't for you. There's also nothing wrong with you if you decide it IS for you. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't hyperanalyze everything right now and feel like you have to come to a yes or no decision.

Rand E
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Location: Los Angeles

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Rand E » Sun Jul 15, 2018 6:34 pm

Are you interested in being spanked as part of sexual foreplay? It sounds like you had no idea what you were in for, and it seems to me having second thoughts after the session is in progress is not a good thing. Threatening your husband with divorce is an absolute total buzz-kill.

Maybe some playful practice to get used to the mechanics of it and get in tune with your own body. And unless your husband has had some experience with administering a spanking, he could probably use the practice as well. But start slow, and work up to it. After a while you may be surprised that you can tolerate, and even enjoy, a spanking that formerly would have sent you screaming out the door. It could be a stimulating process of mutual discovery to prepare for moving into an actual DD relationship with serious discipline and fewer surprises.
Lovely wrote:
Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:04 pm
Hmm plenty of good advice from all the replies already. I'm not sure I have anything to add. I just wanted to comment out of support and also to say that you don't have to decide now if DD is right for you or not. Give it time. It's not for everyone and it isn't wrong if you decide it isn't for you. There's also nothing wrong with you if you decide it IS for you. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't hyperanalyze everything right now and feel like you have to come to a yes or no decision.

Lovely
Posts: 270
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 6:37 pm

Re: Hi! Just got spanked for the first time. Need advice.

Post by Lovely » Tue Jul 17, 2018 12:18 am

Rand E wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 6:34 pm
Are you interested in being spanked as part of sexual foreplay? It sounds like you had no idea what you were in for, and it seems to me having second thoughts after the session is in progress is not a good thing. Threatening your husband with divorce is an absolute total buzz-kill.

Maybe some playful practice to get used to the mechanics of it and get in tune with your own body. And unless your husband has had some experience with administering a spanking, he could probably use the practice as well. But start slow, and work up to it. After a while you may be surprised that you can tolerate, and even enjoy, a spanking that formerly would have sent you screaming out the door. It could be a stimulating process of mutual discovery to prepare for moving into an actual DD relationship with serious discipline and fewer surprises.
Lovely wrote:
Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:04 pm
Hmm plenty of good advice from all the replies already. I'm not sure I have anything to add. I just wanted to comment out of support and also to say that you don't have to decide now if DD is right for you or not. Give it time. It's not for everyone and it isn't wrong if you decide it isn't for you. There's also nothing wrong with you if you decide it IS for you. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't hyperanalyze everything right now and feel like you have to come to a yes or no decision.
I'm a little confused if your questions are aimed at me or the original poster? You quoted me, but it seems more aimed at the other??

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