Hello from the Fraser Valley
Posted: Mon May 14, 2018 12:47 pm
Let's learn about the lifestyle together!
Dionysyus,Dionysyus wrote: ↑Mon May 14, 2018 12:47 pmHello,
I am Dionysyus.
I am Lovely’s HoH.
I have been into spanking for a long time. I was remembering yesterday my first spanking fantasy, when I was 6 years old, thinking about spanking Ginger on Gilligan’s Island.
In my early teens I accidentally came across the Gor series and read all 25 books, so that had a big impact my sexuality and my desire for Master / slave type play, and I still incorporate some “Gorean” style into our relationship.
Throughout my 20’s I experimented with BDSM. Mostly I was a private player and none of my relationships back then lasted too long. I gained some technical expertise and developed confidence in my role, but a lot of it was sexual play, and I was always looking for something more along the lines of long term power exchange.
In my 30’s I had three main relationships. I attempted to turn them all into DD relationships, but they all went off track somehow. The first one was supposed to be a 24/7 live in power exchange, but it quickly broke down because she didn’t have the self control required to give herself to someone. She was often consumed with irrational jealousy leading to anger, and after a few years I ended it.
My next partner wasn’t jealous (made sure of that) but it turned out she could get angry for literally no reason at all – she just worked that way. Also, spankings seemed to trigger childhood memories of getting spanked by her father and gave her self esteem issues, so it just wasn’t good for anyone. It did seem to me though that if she could have submitted to spankings, we could have done a lot better than we did, and I was convinced even more that was the type of relationship I wanted.
My next relationship got flipped around on me even worse. She was experienced from the kink scene, but a dominatrix. I figured at first, we were incompatible, being of the same orientation, but it turns out that many, if not most, dominatrixes look for a dominant long-term partner because they don’t take their submissives as mates. She said she was looking to be submissive in the bedroom, but that didn’t last long, and she was so beautiful I found myself quickly under her spell. She had me so emotionally manipulated, that before long the relationship was entirely focused on me meeting her needs, and I was essentially doing the duties of both husband and wife. At first, I was up to proving I was superman and could handle everything, but before too long I realized my needs were not being met at all. She would never physically discipline me, and I did spank her now and then, but the reality was that she was uncontrollable, and she was running the show through emotional manipulation.
In an attempt to get my needs met without her having to do anything, we decided to enter the kink scene and I could get play partners to get my D/s fix. The kink scene was an interesting experience to be sure, and I did a lot of growing there. After a few years of developing my skills and confidence, I started playing with Lovely, which led to us dating, which led to us falling in love, which before long detonated my existing relationship. It’s not like I instantly dumped my ex for Lovely, I dragged it out for two years emotionally torturing both of them. I just couldn’t take what I’d always wanted until I had finally dealt with all my childhood trauma. I had to man up and go claim the woman of my dreams who was so valiantly holding on to the hope we could end up together when everyone around her was telling her to move on. I’m beyond glad that I did so. She would rather I had done it sooner, but some damage takes a long time to heal and we can’t accelerate these things beyond a certain level.
So now we have been married 2 and half years, dating almost 5, and we have two young sons.
Before our first son we were very much having fun with kink and power exchange. We were attending events in the nearby city, and sometimes traveling to attend interesting workshops. We were very into Japanese rope bondage and suspensions, and rope workshops were always a lot of fun for us.
When Lovely was pregnant, we put our DD practices on hold for a few years. I won’t physically discipline my wife when she is pregnant. However, we never stopped being D/s. I have always been head of household and she has always been submissive.
In between pregnancies we got back on track a bit, but our first child was not a good sleeper, so there was only so much we could do. Our second son is a much better sleeper that our first, however, so when he was just three months old we could start doing DD again. He is just past 7 months old now, so we are still just getting back into the swing of things, but it’s awesome.
If we were going to pick a label of what we do now, I’d say we fit best as a “modern male led household”. We have left the kink scene and don’t really associate with those people too much anymore. A lot of them are very deeply damaged from their childhoods, and they are not really family oriented. We are now pursuing a DD relationship because it’s what we have both been always looking for and wanted and seems to really work for us. It seems to me that traditional ways of doing things became traditional because they were time tested to work, and a lot of 20th century ideas were just wishful thinking.
As head of household I believe my responsibility is to ensure that everyone’s needs in the family get met. There is a book I like called His Needs / Her Needs, which sort of breaks it down like this. She needs from her husband:
2. Intimate communication
3. Family commitment
4. Financial support
5. Honesty and loyalty
He needs from his wife:
1. To be admired
2. To be respected
4. An activity companion
5. For her to be attractive to him
I’ve come across another book lately that was similar but lumped it all into two big headings, mainly the wife needs to feel loved and the husband needs to feel respected.
I’ve need doing a fair bit of research on the topic of relationships and DD or traditional relationships in particular and have been working on lists of values we can strive for that will make our relationship work even better. These sorts of things I will post here for feedback over time.
I’m a big believer in maintenance spankings. They are essentially a major relationship ritual where we strengthen our connection and I think they really do work to promote good wifely behavior. There’s no need to wait for her to break a rule before reminding her of the rules. Why wait and go through the stress of disrespect and punishment, when you can spank her ahead of time and prevent it all? =)