New and Bewildered

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Lavendar
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 08, 2018 7:28 pm

New and Bewildered

Post by Lavendar » Sat May 12, 2018 8:17 am

Hi, all - Sorry in advance for the length of this. I apparently had more on my mind than I thought.

Finally decided to just do it and delurk. I've been married to a wonderful man for nearly 20 years. We have what we both describe as a solid marriage, but there have definitely been power struggles along the way. We're both strong willed individuals, which we need for our careers. The irony is that the night before our wedding, I told myself that someone in a marriage has to have the final say. I wanted that to be him. I had grown up watching too many power struggles between my parents, and didn't want that for us.

We then were married, and I completely lost sight of what I had wanted. I was afraid to lose my own identity, and I was too influenced by my mother's actions. Unfortunately, I failed to see that we are not my parents. My husband, of course, married me for who I am. And over the years, he has learned to just back down and not express his own needs for fear of hurting my feelings. I'm sickened by this. I, who have been so adamant that we are entitled to our own opinions, squashed this right in my own husband without realizing I was doing it.

Flash forward to this year - I found DD through the article. I was shocked and revolted by it. I railed on about it to my husband. I read blog after blog, curious to see what kind of woman would willingly subject herself to it. I was surprised by what I found. I identified with so many of them. They were intelligent. Their needs were my needs. It confused me. I spent a good month trying to wrap my mind around this, and then decided to drop it.

But about a month ago, my husband and I had a fight in front of a friend. Something that I have been doing that my husband has kept quiet about for 15 years bubbled to the surface, and he completely lost it. I had no idea he was that bothered by it. I got him calmed down, but I was mortified that he went through that in public. During the car ride home, the thought popped into my head that if he could just spank me, it might clear the air. And that scared me.

For two weeks, I worked to rectify the problem. It's excessive household clutter and allowing him to do most of the cleaning even though we both are busy. More than that, I wanted for him to feel free to share his needs with me. We went around and around with it - how do you change 15 years of a learned behavior on both sides? I finally offered up DD as a solution. He agreed to try it.

My first spanking was purely experimental. Not hard, no rituals, just a quick attempt to see if it was too weird. We cuddled afterward, and it was amazing. The trust that it garnered on both sides was incredible. And it focused me on my goal, not just of cleaning, but of learning to read his nonverbal cues. After this many years of marriage, you'd think I'd already have that down. But I've been too selfish, and I feel I've missed out on so much of who my husband really is. For his part, he's working on expressing his needs and learning to trust that I won't judge him. That takes a lot on my part, as well. I feel like we're finally communicating in a purposeful way. We both feel much closer.

We're starting very slowly. We're currently on a system of weekly maintenance, which is mainly for role affirmation. Last week, I asked him to hold me accountable for keeping a household binder. I think we were both surprised when he responded by telling me he would check it every weekend and spank me if I wasn't staying up with it. But we like what this is doing for us. I'm bewildered, to say the least. It is odd to embrace this after being so opposed to it. I have no idea if we will stay with it, but it's definitely working for now.

If you've read this far, thank you. I'm looking forward to participating here.
Lavendar :)

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Clint
Posts: 249
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 12:01 pm
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Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Clint » Sat May 12, 2018 8:43 am

Lavendar wrote:
Sat May 12, 2018 8:17 am
Hi, all - Sorry in advance for the length of this. I apparently had more on my mind than I thought.

Finally decided to just do it and delurk. I've been married to a wonderful man for nearly 20 years. We have what we both describe as a solid marriage, but there have definitely been power struggles along the way. We're both strong willed individuals, which we need for our careers. The irony is that the night before our wedding, I told myself that someone in a marriage has to have the final say. I wanted that to be him. I had grown up watching too many power struggles between my parents, and didn't want that for us.

We then were married, and I completely lost sight of what I had wanted. I was afraid to lose my own identity, and I was too influenced by my mother's actions. Unfortunately, I failed to see that we are not my parents. My husband, of course, married me for who I am. And over the years, he has learned to just back down and not express his own needs for fear of hurting my feelings. I'm sickened by this. I, who have been so adamant that we are entitled to our own opinions, squashed this right in my own husband without realizing I was doing it.

Flash forward to this year - I found DD through the article. I was shocked and revolted by it. I railed on about it to my husband. I read blog after blog, curious to see what kind of woman would willingly subject herself to it. I was surprised by what I found. I identified with so many of them. They were intelligent. Their needs were my needs. It confused me. I spent a good month trying to wrap my mind around this, and then decided to drop it.

But about a month ago, my husband and I had a fight in front of a friend. Something that I have been doing that my husband has kept quiet about for 15 years bubbled to the surface, and he completely lost it. I had no idea he was that bothered by it. I got him calmed down, but I was mortified that he went through that in public. During the car ride home, the thought popped into my head that if he could just spank me, it might clear the air. And that scared me.

For two weeks, I worked to rectify the problem. It's excessive household clutter and allowing him to do most of the cleaning even though we both are busy. More than that, I wanted for him to feel free to share his needs with me. We went around and around with it - how do you change 15 years of a learned behavior on both sides? I finally offered up DD as a solution. He agreed to try it.

My first spanking was purely experimental. Not hard, no rituals, just a quick attempt to see if it was too weird. We cuddled afterward, and it was amazing. The trust that it garnered on both sides was incredible. And it focused me on my goal, not just of cleaning, but of learning to read his nonverbal cues. After this many years of marriage, you'd think I'd already have that down. But I've been too selfish, and I feel I've missed out on so much of who my husband really is. For his part, he's working on expressing his needs and learning to trust that I won't judge him. That takes a lot on my part, as well. I feel like we're finally communicating in a purposeful way. We both feel much closer.

We're starting very slowly. We're currently on a system of weekly maintenance, which is mainly for role affirmation. Last week, I asked him to hold me accountable for keeping a household binder. I think we were both surprised when he responded by telling me he would check it every weekend and spank me if I wasn't staying up with it. But we like what this is doing for us. I'm bewildered, to say the least. It is odd to embrace this after being so opposed to it. I have no idea if we will stay with it, but it's definitely working for now.

If you've read this far, thank you. I'm looking forward to participating here.

Lavendar, wow! Great introduction, I hope to read more from you ... keep us updated!
Clint from Domestic-Discipline.net
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Kerry
Posts: 693
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Kerry » Sat May 12, 2018 3:09 pm

Lavender,
I’m in a newer relationship but have a lifetime of habits and often wonder which ones bother him. It’s difficult; I want to know and think I want him to use dd to help me change but it also crushes me when he notes a behavior because I feel imperfect. Thoughts of being imperfect lead me to feelings of inadequacy and sadness. Anyway, I enjoyed your post and hope the process continues to improve your life.
Key

CassLynn
Posts: 1114
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by CassLynn » Sat May 12, 2018 4:00 pm

Our beginning was similar to yours. Curiosity, research, opposition, then slowly questioning maybe trying it, and now all in. It has helped us so much and I hope it will help you.

At this very moment I am awaiting a serious spanking and I’m pretty nervous and emotional but even now I will speak up for the amazing benefits it’s brought me and my marriage. I can’t wait to get past the nerves and the paddle to the wonderful part where everything is resolved and I feel so close to my husband and confident in myself and in us and ready to try again to be my best.

Welcome!

kgirl
Posts: 124
Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2017 10:37 pm
Location: Ohio

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by kgirl » Sat May 12, 2018 6:16 pm

Hi and welcome!
We've been married just as long. Your story is so similar to mine. I haven't been on here too often, but I'll try to get on here more. Read your whole post. Nicely written. :)
-Kgirl

Nswife
Posts: 109
Joined: Sun Jan 21, 2018 10:01 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Nswife » Sat May 12, 2018 9:10 pm

Welcome. This is a great place to express your feelings without judgement. Glad to have you with us.

Lavendar
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 08, 2018 7:28 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Lavendar » Sat May 12, 2018 9:42 pm

Thank you all! I'm so glad I found this board. You all seem very supportive. It's odd how many people came to this decision after opposing it. I think that was what originally made me think twice about it. I was curious why people would change their minds. I figured there had to be more to it than the first impression.

Kerry, I get what you mean. I'm now second guessing all my habits. It took a great deal of courage to ask him to be more honest. You're right - it's tough to face our imperfections. I think that's why everyone says to start out slowly. It would be too overwhelming to handle everything at once, at least for me.

Casslynn, fingers crossed as you get through this. Just keep thinking about that intimacy afterwards. It really is incredible, isn't it?
Lavendar :)

CassLynn
Posts: 1114
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by CassLynn » Sat May 12, 2018 10:18 pm

My husband decided I didn’t need it! It wasn’t a punishment it was a depression therapy session. The main reason we started DD was to help me with the recovery from severe depression that I started making with therapy a few weeks ago. It’s very hard work fighting triggers and using spankings while I’m headed into an episode or all the way in one has made a huge difference. Earlier today while my husband was away I got really low—worse than I have for many days—so he said I would get a serious session when he got home. But I came out of it really well so he let me off the hook. Whew! I tried hard to come out of it and I think knowing how hard I was going to get spanked if I didn’t recover definitely helped me. The times I have ended up taking a serious spanking while deeply troubled have all had very happy endings so it would have been ok either way.

Kerry
Posts: 693
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Kerry » Sat May 12, 2018 10:44 pm

I think once when I was very low, I stopped him because it seemed so useless dealing with whatever the issue was when I really cared about nothing at that moment. But I remember thinking I actually felt better the next day and I definitely regretted stopping him because it messed us up. I’ve been very low today. Tears just keep starting for no reason. I’m so tempted to restart my bupropion, which I stopped about five? or four weeks ago after 20 years. It’s weekend with the kids so no time alone. I did get a promotion and Dairy Queen:)
Key

Lavendar
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 08, 2018 7:28 pm

Re: New and Bewildered

Post by Lavendar » Sun May 13, 2018 7:39 am

I've been intrigued by the posts about using dd to help with depression. I also have depression/anxiety, but mine is controlled through meds and self help techniques I learned while in an outpatient program. I only have a depressive episode 1-2 times per year now, from nearly every day at its worst.

I doubt we would use dd for depression because we were both trained in other techniques during
my program, and they've worked. But what you describe reminds me of a technique I learned called Thought Stopping. I was trained to immediately stop the automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) by physically yelling, "No!" Over time, this has evolved to just thinking the word. It works because it's a great mental reset. And it would seem that a spanking is a pretty major mental reset if you can't stop the the ANTs on your own and they get out of hand. If it works for you, I say why not? Depression is such a complicated thing, and we all find what works for us.

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