I was the dominant one now I am submitting

Please take your time and introduce yourself to us - why Domestic Discipline, are you married, how your relationship progressed...
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Joined: Fri May 01, 2020 1:10 am

Re: I was the dominant one now I am submitting

Post by Kitdesigner » Fri May 28, 2021 10:28 pm

Try keeping a journal and make sure you capture your moods. This will help you reflect when you're having a hard time. I would also write in it why you want this aspect in your relationship. Sometimes I feel the same way and I've caused confusion in my HOH's mind. We've written a contract and we've also written why both of us want this lifestyle and how its changed our relationship. Over time as you both grow in your new roles these doubts will decrease, at least they have for me.

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Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 11:33 pm

Re: I was the dominant one now I am submitting

Post by Jennicah » Sat May 29, 2021 1:01 am

Thanks. Journaling is a good idea. I like journaling. We have written out all of the rules but maybe we should write out all of the benefits we receive from this because it truly is amazing how much our love has grown and the confidence my husband has with respect and how much his love has grown for me when I am soft and gentle and submitting.

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Re: I was the dominant one now I am submitting

Post by NateG » Sat May 29, 2021 8:10 am

Remember that it is not going to be all smooth sailing. It takes a lot of time and growth from both of you to learn your roles/responsibilities and to set ego aside sometimes. It isn't just on you. Your husband has a LOT of responsibility on him if he wants to be a good HoH.


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Re: I was the dominant one now I am submitting

Post by SomewhatDefiant » Sat Jul 03, 2021 5:35 am

Your story is so similar to mine in ways...except I actually went to a new husband to turn things around...

In my first marriage, I wore the proverbial pants. There were some very valid reasons - I was more experienced, more responsible, more driven, and far more dominant. But it wasn’t healthy. He lost confidence in himself to the point that he was afraid to take responsibility for anything, even when I begged him to. I don’t think our dynamic could have changed, but I think a lot of that was because he didn’t want it to. He was unhappy as it was, but he explicitly told me he didn’t want to wear the pants or be “the man” in a traditional sense.

After he left, I knew I needed to find something different. I gave a lot of thought to it, deciding that I needed to find someone more dominant than I am - someone I couldn’t walk all over. At the time, I wasn’t looking for DD - I just wanted a husband who could actually be responsible for and over a family. I found that. My husband wants and needs to be the head of the family. Obedience was something he required right from the start, and discipline was something I consented to even before we met in person (we met online and chatted for a month over text and email before we had a chance to meet IRL).

I wanted and continue to want this lifestyle...but it is sooooo hard. I also want to just do my thing. I miss being in charge. I miss deciding what happens when and how and why. I miss being obeyed. Even though I don’t really want those things with my current husband, sometimes I do. Even though I really want to obey him, sometimes I don’t. Even though I want to be respectful, sometimes I just don’t care. Even though I want him to hold me accountable and discipline me, sometimes the very idea makes me mad and defiant. My mood and attitude about it swings violently from one side to the other.

We’ve been at this for years, and I still struggle. There’s still little pieces of the old me and those pieces rear their ugly little heads sometimes. It’s confusing and frustrating to us both. I will say that it gets better with time as you learn new habits. The number one thing that helps me is consistency - if I know my husband is going to hold firm no matter what my mood of the hour, I am able to be more consistent. It may not be fair to put such a burden on him, but I have not been able to develop consistency in myself. It isn’t that I am not committed - it’s just that I have so many habits from a totally different dynamic and they go super deep down to even how I view myself, and that’s all so very hard to change.

Give yourself grace. What you are trying to do is super hard, but so totally worth it.

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