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New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:12 pm
by NRHSH
I’m very nervous typing this. I stumbled onto this forum through a series of things that I may (or may not) address. If I don’t, it’s more of an accident than intentional because this is probably going to be long and maybe complicated.

I’m a young-ish 58 y/o female, married for 25+ years to a 56 y/o male. For simplicity, I’ll call him H. We’re empty nesters now after raising 3 great kids.

Disclaimer: this starts off sounding a little kinky but I promise it’s not, just felt I needed to explain some things up front.

At least 10 years ago, I lost all desire for intimacy with H. Did I say ALL??? Some husbands would “get it” and basically accept a lesser sex life; not H. Still had plenty of it, with me mostly being pretty miserable as well as miserable-acting half the time. The other half, I tried to pretend it wasn’t so bad. We’re talking minimum of twice weekly. Anyway, very recently, I started taking hormone replacement therapy and I’m a new woman, much like I was when we met. H has always liked “spice” in that area and apparently I did too before I lost all of my drive. Now that it’s back, I hesitantly but without a fight, watched some adult videos with him a couple weeks ago. In a roundabout way, that’s how I discovered this forum. So to be honest, the initial feeling I got from this was a bit erotic; I can assure you I now feel way differently about it. (Guess I did address how I stumbled in here after all...)

H and I have always been smart-ass-y to each other (think Everybody Loves Raymond) so some of the “offenses” I read on here make me go, “Seriously? If H dealt out punishments for that kind of thing, I’d never be in the clear.”

But here’s where we have what I consider a huge issue. Out of 365 days in a year, H gets FURIOUS with me 5-10 days/times, maybe. When I say furious, he screams, name calls, berates, threatens me...to the point where I wish I was nowhere near the man. An example: with another couple of good friends discussing an upcoming event. H said he thought so-and-so would spend X amount of dollars, I said, “oh no, I’m sure he’ll spend more than that!” and the conversation/evening continued another hour and all was well, or so I thought. The moment we were alone, he started screaming at me about making him look bad in front of people by disagreeing with him, hadn’t he told me that many times before, not to argue with him, and on and on it went. We were in our vehicle, traveling 70+ mph on the highway and it was all I could do to not throw the door open and jump out, just to get away from him. But thinking of our three kids kept me sane enough to endure the tirade for 10 miles. I’m not exaggerating when I say he was pure madman the way he screamed at me. I was rocking in my seat thinking this couldn’t be happening over...me having my own opinion??

So, that was several months ago, and it hasn’t left my brain although we’ve mostly gotten along since then. A half a dozen nasty spats, but nothing earth shattering like that night. Multiple times though, I’ve thought divorce might be our only option.

Then, I suddenly have a sex drive again and I now can see how I must’ve made him feel all those years when I didn’t even want to be touched. So I’ve apologized to him for that and told him how important I realize the intimacy is and I’ll do whatever it takes to make up for lost time. He seems very understanding for the most part.

After discovering this and reading A LOT, it hit me. What if? What if I talked to him about this lifestyle? It could go one of three ways:

1) H thinks I’m crazy;
2) H would be delighted because this could be “the spice” he’s always wanted but I’d be a miserable, possibly physically abused woman, suffering mightily when he has one of his “SNAPPED” episodes and loses his mind with rage;
3) H gets the built-up fury out of his system by occasionally doling out a punishment but ceases to verbally abuse me as a result.

I’ve wondered how I would bring it up and thought maybe the next time he snaps, because there will be a next time, I can just try to calmly ask him to “stop screaming at me and just spank me and get it over with.” That’s probably not the best idea, but it’s the best I’ve come up with.

I also want feedback from some HoHs regarding the night I described...what would YOU have done if your wife expressed a differing opinion in front of friends?

Another fear I have of this whole thing, my husband enjoys spending hours online, researching whatever. If I casually bring this up to him and he starts looking into it, I fear he’d get some ideas that I don’t necessarily want him to get, particularly how some small (in my mind) offenses can lead to such severe punishments with implements of pure torture.

If you’re still with me, and you’re thinking my best bet is to run from this forum and never look back, please tell me. Or any other thoughts you may have. I’m seriously looking for some guidance.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:11 pm
by NRHSH
I should probably have said that I wonder if this kind of a lifestyle would have the benefits that most of you describe...closeness with each other and a more harmonious existence. I really don’t know if either of us has the right personality to make this work.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:41 pm
by Lauren
NRHSH,

From what you've written I would not suggest a DD Relationship. When he is mad man angry is not a good time for him to be spanking you. It needs to be done when he is calm. It could turn into abuse if done when really angry. Also, if you are not looking for formal rules or don't want to include the day to day lifestyle, I don't think it would be a good fit. Please don't take this the wrong way but what you described your husband does sounds like anger issues and counseling or seeking a trusted friends help sounds like a better solution.

If spanking intruges you or your husband to spice up the bedroom, that is a whole different area then DD.

Just my thoughts. I'm interested to see what others think.

Good luck with whatever direction you go!

P.S. I agree with FFF, you stating your opinion was in no way disrespectful. I could see if you started arguing with your husband in front of others or were rude with how you said it. But I see none of that here.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:36 pm
by NRHSH
I’m unsure how to reply to an individual response, but thank you, FFF, I felt exactly like WTH? while he screamed and carried on, like trying to figure out, through my suddenly explosive heartbeat and my jumbled brain, WHAT DID I DO??? So to hear that you, and then Lauren, both thought I was completely within my rights to express my own opinion, means a lot.

And without trying to defend H, because I’m not, I mentioned these events occur fairly rarely over the course of a year. That is why I thought, maybe, just maybe, if we changed our relationship to one of leader and follower, one where I was reminded consistently of my place...and if there was an occasional punishment or even the maintenance spankings, maybe he’d never again have an outburst like I’ve come to know.

Some of the loving remarks made by HOHs as well as their wives/subs have me almost dreamily thinking, “could that be us?” At the same time, when I read descriptions of severe punishments being dealt out for things I still can’t see as THAT BAD, I think, “oh hell no.” 😳

HoHs out there, did any of you have sporadic anger issues that actually went away because of this kind of arrangement?

Lauren, you said something about if I didn’t want to do the day-to-day rules, etc. I haven’t really thought one way or the other about how ours would/could look yet, just wanted to get a feel from some of you long-timers before I took this any further.

Thanks.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:51 pm
by Beauty
Hi!
Welcome and I hope you find some answers that are right for you. You will get a lot of differing responses, which is great because you can feel out what does or doesn’t sound right for y’all. We all have situations, personalities, and views on what works best. However, they are based on our own situations and experiences most of the time.

For example, you already know super strict when it comes to playful joking isn’t for you. You also know punishment for rules that seem silly (to you) are also not a good fit. When starting I thought a lot of things were a heck NO, not for me. Writing lines was laughable. A bed time? I’m not 2. Until he decided those were needed. I can testify when I forgot a bill date... writing a sentence on it, 100 times burned it in my brain. When I’m irritable because I just had to watch one more episode, a bed time was what was best for me. Trust me I prefer it over being hurtful/rude to him due to lack of sleep. If this arrangement is right for both of you, he would need to give his view and say on that also. You never know what is hurtful to him without asking. Just like he may have no idea how badly he scared/hurt you when he acts in pure rage.

I personally agree with the guilt you felt from faking your way through intimacy. Yes, it was a medical reason you lost the physical love of it. That sinks and is bound to happen to all of us. However for my husband, he feels closest to me through physical action. I personally need more of the mental connection combined with touch. Are there times I don’t feel like it? yes. I perform/performed anyway but now the difference is, in those VERY few times I don’t feel like it... I have enjoyment because I know I am making him happy and we are bonding. In the same way, some nights he’s tired and really doesn’t want to talk. He still will listen to me and focus on me when I talk regardless of how tired he is. Because it is important to me.

As for your opinion differing with his, causing a maniac to drive home, berate you... it’s hard to say because I didn’t see it or the tones. In no way him acting like that and putting you down is ok! What makes a great HOH in my opinion is the ability to have control, build one up, and know when to step away until he/she is calm enough to address the issue. Whatever trigger happened for him to behave like that should be communicated and the root of it solved when he is calm. Possibly he felt or “thought” in a side way you were calling him stupid for not also thinking it would be “way more”. Again only an off the wall guess and something y’all need to talk about. He should never ever put you down nor endanger you by driving crazy. That was completely wrong.

Beast, my husband for sure had and at times has a temper. Being in DD, he has fixed a lot of his own short comings because he was/is also focusing on mine. He constantly is becoming better and learning what is best for our own dynamic plus growth. It’s what a leader does.

Only you and him can know if DD is a right fit. Personal opinion, he could gain a lot of self awareness through the actions of being a leader of the house. I’d say bring it up, tell him what you saw on the internet that you fear will be where he takes it or how he views it. Give him trust (if you feel he is worthy of it), lots of your views on it, and over communicate the heck out of it. I don’t think just jumping in and saying you’re mad, spank me would be a healthy start. Hope that gives a different perspective and I will ask my husband if he wouldn’t mind replying too (he’s not as active on here but it doesn’t hurt to ask ❤️)

Sorry for the edits. I just thought of more details from our start but also... I am horrible at grammar and spelling (pretty sure I’m one of the only TIH with those issues 🤣)

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:54 pm
by Phil04
Hello,
I think a DD relationship COULD work and be beneficial for you, but I have some concerns as well. If you decide to pursue DD, you need to have a clear and we'll defined agreement. First he needs to agree never to punish while he is angry. That is a recipe for abuse. Two, you need a clear understanding of what the rules are, and what their punishment will be (this will also help prevent him going overboard if he is angry, and also help prevent him getting unreasonable ideas from research).

Regarding the episode you mentioned, I wouldn't have a problem with him being upset for you contradicting him (but not to that extreme) IF you had agreed to that rule before hand. However, in the absence of that agreement, I don't see that you did anything wrong. Punishment should never be a surprise. Ideally it should always be administered because you made a decision to break a rule. However, in the year we have been practicing DD My_Love has been punished more for acts of forgetfulness that for acts of disobedience.

Honestly, I think DD could be very good for your relationship for several reasons.

1). I think your husband lacks confidence, and being pushed into taking an HOH role will help build confidence.
2). It will force you two to have a number of very deep, intement, honest conversations about needs, desires and responsibilities. This is never bad for a marriage.

I you decide to go forward, I recommend having a discussion, with the understanding that you are not committing to anything. I would also recommend you start for a trial period during which either side can call quits at any point.

Phil

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:43 pm
by Lauren
Again, just my opinion, but you shouldn't have to try to defend him. Even if his outbursts like that only happen about 5-10 times a year, it shouldn't happen at all. It's not acceptable behavior. It's not how you talk to a spouse. Or anyone for that matter. He needs help.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:42 am
by Mel41
NRHSH wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:12 pm


H and I have always been smart-ass-y to each other (think Everybody Loves Raymond) so some of the “offenses” I read on here make me go, “Seriously? If H dealt out punishments for that kind of thing, I’d never be in the clear.”

Every couple decides what rules/boundaries are right for them. DD is definitely not one-size-fits-all. I, like you, am a smart ass and so is my husband. He loves the playful banter and would never want to change that part of me. Other husbands feel differently about it. But it's not a part of everyone's dynamic.

But here’s where we have what I consider a huge issue. Out of 365 days in a year, H gets FURIOUS with me 5-10 days/times, maybe. When I say furious, he screams, name calls, berates, threatens me...to the point where I wish I was nowhere near the man. An example: with another couple of good friends discussing an upcoming event. H said he thought so-and-so would spend X amount of dollars, I said, “oh no, I’m sure he’ll spend more than that!” and the conversation/evening continued another hour and all was well, or so I thought. The moment we were alone, he started screaming at me about making him look bad in front of people by disagreeing with him, hadn’t he told me that many times before, not to argue with him, and on and on it went. We were in our vehicle, traveling 70+ mph on the highway and it was all I could do to not throw the door open and jump out, just to get away from him. But thinking of our three kids kept me sane enough to endure the tirade for 10 miles. I’m not exaggerating when I say he was pure madman the way he screamed at me. I was rocking in my seat thinking this couldn’t be happening over...me having my own opinion??

Ok, this is where I worry. If your husband is routinely losing control and turning into a madman, yelling, berating and threatening you that is not ok. That is abusive behaviour and not what you want in a leader. He needs to be able to control himself before you should ever give him that kind of power over you.



After discovering this and reading A LOT, it hit me. What if? What if I talked to him about this lifestyle? It could go one of three ways:

1) H thinks I’m crazy;
2) H would be delighted because this could be “the spice” he’s always wanted but I’d be a miserable, possibly physically abused woman, suffering mightily when he has one of his “SNAPPED” episodes and loses his mind with rage;
3) H gets the built-up fury out of his system by occasionally doling out a punishment but ceases to verbally abuse me as a result.

I’ve wondered how I would bring it up and thought maybe the next time he snaps, because there will be a next time, I can just try to calmly ask him to “stop screaming at me and just spank me and get it over with.” That’s probably not the best idea, but it’s the best I’ve come up with.

Spanking you while he is in a fit of rage is a VERY BAD IDEA. But I think you know that.

I also want feedback from some HoHs regarding the night I described...what would YOU have done if your wife expressed a differing opinion in front of friends?

In the absence of an agreed-upon rule stating that you were not allowed to have your own voice in public he is 100% in the wrong. 100%.

If you’re still with me, and you’re thinking my best bet is to run from this forum and never look back, please tell me. Or any other thoughts you may have. I’m seriously looking for some guidance.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:48 am
by NRHSH
I appreciate all the feedback regardless of the differing opinions. The advice to have a very clear set of rules agreed upon by each of us would be paramount, but I’m also being made fully aware that with H’s history of snapping that I could be setting myself up for disaster. That being said, you’ve each given me much to think about! Thank you so much.

Re: New enough to know very little

Posted: Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:58 am
by DesertRose
NRHSH wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:48 am
I appreciate all the feedback regardless of the differing opinions. The advice to have a very clear set of rules agreed upon by each of us would be paramount, but I’m also being made fully aware that with H’s history of snapping that I could be setting myself up for disaster. That being said, you’ve each given me much to think about! Thank you so much.
I'm not living this lifestyle yet, so I don't have enough experience to give you advice. However, I don't think that your husband got very angry just because you disagreed with him in public - keeping in mind that I don't know enough about your relationship, I'm just analyzing based on what I know from your post - It seems that your husband has the habit of keeping his feelings to himself most of the time, so he wouldn't tell you immediately when he is hurt or upset, and then without a warning he would explode at you over a minor thing which makes him appear overreacting. This also explains why he "only" gets this angry few times a year.

I'm not by any means defending him or giving him an excuse to treat you disrespectfully. Not at all. In fact, one of the reasons why I'm seeking DD for my future marriage is to prevent these kinds of episodes from happening.

But there's no smoke without fire. I think what you need to do now is to communicate deeply with your husband, tell him how you feel and ask him to open up to you. Once you have an understanding of where you are in your marriage, you will be able to figure out what might improve your relationship.

Finally, I would like to note that DD is not black and white.. it is all a gray area. Every DD marriage is different based on personalities and circumstances. If you decided to give this lifestyle a try, take baby-steps.. maybe choose a rule or two and work around them.. so you won't be overwhelmed. Also, you have the right to refuse certain punishments of you feel they are abusive to you.

I wish you all the best... and may happiness will shower your marriage for years to come.