Male vs. Female Led DD

Politics, science, and your life!
John0178
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 10:10 pm

Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by John0178 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:56 pm

I am new to DD and I hope this is not too controversial a topic. Also this post is long so quoting the whole thing is probably not a great idea. I put this in "politics" because it is about "social politics" even if it is not about "government politics."

I have read several books on and websites on DD and related topics recently. In the DD community, my first impression as an outsider is that DD writing seems to be trying very hard to be "politically correct" by making everything gender neutral, and that's great. But reading between the lines, I also get the impression that writings seem to come from an origin of either male dominant or female dominant. And as an outsider coming in, there seem to be some differences between the two.

Male dominant DD seems to have Christian religious overtones. It tends to be more "old school" socially conservative, patriarchal. Sometimes it looks back nostalgically to when male dominance was not "politically incorrect." Some practitioners say that in DD, a woman's body is not her own and she should be open to sex at any time, and to any kind of sex the dominant has in mind. I am really not judging here, it's just what I see and I'm curious about it.

Female dominant DD seems to come from a place of feminism and matriarchy. It seems to be more socially progressive and liberal. It sometimes looks forward in anticipation to a possibility of female running the world. Some practitioners say that the man's body is not his own, but paradoxically, the emphasis seems to be on sexual restriction rather than permissiveness. Again, not judging here, it's just what I see and I'm curious about it.

So I have two questions and the second has two options, depending on which gender dominant DD you are in:

1. Do I have a good read on this?

2A. If you are in a male dominant DD relationship, what do you think about men and women in female led DD? Please don't hold back or sugar coat it. I won't be offended. Do you think it runs counter to Christian teaching? Do you think it's weird? Do you think there is an element of misandry to the female led side? If by some tragedy, you lost your mate and developed a new relationship, could you go the opposite way if it were called for?

2B. If you are in a female dominant DD relationship, what do you think about men and women in male led DD? Please don't hold back or sugar coat it. Do you think it's anti-gender equality? Do you think it's weird? Do you think there is an element of misogyny to it? If by some tragedy, you lost your mate and developed a new relationship, could you go the opposite way if it were called for?

I will give my newbie answer to 2B: I tried to be the default male dominant for 39 years of marriage, even though I knew nothing about DD and I wasn't very good at leading the relationship. I was plenty "macho" enough, but I lacked compassion and skill. I'm a conservative Christian, but I am now ready to completely submit to my wife because I love her, I have a lot to atone for and I see that is the only thing that will work.

But I can see the other side. I believe that someone has to be in charge and it could be either gender. I have never seen co-equal work well in anything. I don't think it needs to be some religious or "politically correct" social mandate. It is whatever works. Males tend to be dominant in society and religion because for most of human history, the physical strength advantage of males gave them an advantage. Once they had that advantage, they were able to keep it well into the information age. But that is changing rapidly.

Also, if by some tragedy I found myself in another relationship, I think I could take the dominant role if it were called for. I think what I am learning becoming a submissive would be very instructional. But I Also think I prefer female dominance. Not sure why. It just feels right for me.

Kerry
Posts: 612
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm
Location: Midwest US submissive female with male HoH partner

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Kerry » Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:03 pm

I initiated a male led DD relationship and I am female. We are not religious but both grew up in churches and both rejected the package of religion, me way before him. I do find comfort in some of the verses and I like the CDD site but I don’t think they like me because of the aforementioned. Joshua explained his situation in a post that helped me understand female led dd. I’m still not totally comfortable with the idea. I can lead but more in a selfish way so don’t think I’d change roles even in a new relationship. I like giving up some of the responsibility because I’m tired of doing it all. I also like someone reigning me in because I don’t reign myself in. I wouldn’t want to spank a man or make him write lines. I do like maintenance spankings and I think punishment spankings are an attractive idea but haven’t experienced that yet. My HoH (that term maybe makes me cringe I did not go to the Academy because I cringed from the rules when I visited) suggested I research and write about the harmfulness of Pepsi. I see that as useful. I don’t understand line writing but I haven’t bought into corner time yet either. I wrote and continue to write beautiful affirmations. But when he says sometimes I’ll have to be strong and hold him up, even that scares me. I think I’ll like to be led? Sorry off topic. I’m open to listening sharing and undeserving female led dd but I am intrigued by and want a consistent firm male led dd relationship. I do a lot of good things but I covet rules and someone who will tell me NO.
Key

Joshua89
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Joshua89 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:24 am

I don't think it has any political correlation. We are Christian and when I read Husband in the bible what comes to mind is the one who works for a living. My wife is becoming a doctor and my place is better fit in caring for our home. Serving your spouse is not "anti-Christian" no matter what role you take on.

I am strong, I will still protect my family and being married to a beautiful, strong willed, driven women that expects my best for our household only makes me stronger. We do not practice CDD and our roles may not be seen as "natural" to some but it comes naturally to us. Even before any contracts she would ask my advice and make the final decisions so I don't think it is seen as a burden to some. With a busy schedule there are many things that I can do to relieve duties for her, such as having meals prepared, errands, Bill paying, Clean home and over all functionality in our life is taken off of my HOHs shoulders so home time is a more rewarding and less dutiful for her. Obviously holding me to a strict regimine is work at times but it is hopefully rewarding.


I think the common answer is different folks for different folks. When two grown adults consent to this life style that is their decision. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong for how they naturally live their life. It's not about "anti" anything, just what is comfortable to each individual couple.
Last edited by Joshua89 on Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

Kerry
Posts: 612
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm
Location: Midwest US submissive female with male HoH partner

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Kerry » Wed Nov 29, 2017 8:43 am

I meant observing the relationship not undeserving In my post
Key

findingout
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Location: Michigan, USA

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by findingout » Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:11 pm

I find this to be a very interesting topic. I am the HoH our very new walk down this path and it is bringing out a side of me that I never experienced (or expressed?). My mother and older sisters were all very much feminists during my childhood. I have joked with my wife that they would be shocked to know that I would even consider this type of relationship. It's just not how I was raised but so far it seems to be making a very positive difference for us.

I am not fond of the term "politically correct" because I think sometimes it is thrown around to dismiss ideas out of hand. From what I have read so far, there is a pretty broad range of relationships inside the domestic discipline circle. One book I read recently was "Taken In Hand: A Guide to Domestic Discipline, Power Exchange Relationships and Related BDSM Topics" by Jolynn Raymond. Jolynn is a female HoH with a female partner and yet the sections in the book on domestic discipline were very relevant even though the relationship was not Ward and June Cleaver.

S.K.
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Joined: Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:25 pm

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by S.K. » Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:33 pm

John0178 wrote:
Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:56 pm

1. Do I have a good read on this?

2A. If you are in a male dominant DD relationship, what do you think about men and women in female led DD? Please don't hold back or sugar coat it. I won't be offended. Do you think it runs counter to Christian teaching? Do you think it's weird? Do you think there is an element of misandry to the female led side? If by some tragedy, you lost your mate and developed a new relationship, could you go the opposite way if it were called for?
I find it harder to relate to a FLR couple. The reason behind this is because men and women are so different in the way we lead and in the way we submit. I do not understand how a man would put aside the desire to lead his family. This is probably because most of the men I know and am close to either A) leads his family beautifully or B) resents the woman they are married to because she is controlling and has a sharp tongue.

I used to "lead" our family and it was overwhelming and exhausting for me to feel like I was mothering my spouse, and made my husband feel disrespected and belittled. Neither of us wanted this, so we chose to change course from the feminist, controlling, unhealthy relationship models we were both brought up in.

I do understand that in a healthy FLR there is mutual trust and respect just like my HOH and I have for one another. I've just never seen one, but I don't think it is misandry when done in the right way.

My personal take on Christianity is that the Bible calls for the man to lead his family in a loving, subservient way. Leading in a way that puts the people in your family above your own wants and desires, that is.

For the reasons above I could never go the opposite way. I would never be happy that way.

John0178
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 10:10 pm

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by John0178 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 9:54 pm

S. K. Thanks for your honesty. From what I am reading, there is definitely an undercurrent of similar thinking in male-led DD circles and I get that line of thinking completely. What is really interesting to me is that a lot of what you describe describes my situation with the genders reversed.

To your points about most men you know:

A) I led the family very poorly for 38 out of our 39 years. I was a macho jerk and never felt comfortable leading. I led because I felt 1) I was expected to lead, and 2) I misjudged that my wife did not have good leadership qualities. The truth is she did a great job of quietly leading the family all those years in spite of me.

B) My wife resented me because I was controlling and had awful anger management issues.

One thing I learned as a Navy officer: There are extreme circumstances where the highest level of leadership is to turn over command to someone else. There is a famous story about that called, "Take Over, Bos'n." It was taught to us in a Navy leadership school. It is reprinted at the link. It is how I feel now, turning over our marriage to my wife.

http://www.huskerboard.com/index.php?/t ... over-bosn/

Kerry
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Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:54 pm
Location: Midwest US submissive female with male HoH partner

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Kerry » Wed Nov 29, 2017 10:21 pm

Great story and definitely the truth
Key

Jess
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Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:12 am

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Jess » Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:27 am

I'm a woman, lead by a woman. Not sure how to apply that there.

But to answer your question.
Question 1 yes I believe you have a good read on this

Between Question 2A and 2B.
I would personally think a male-led one makes more sense. I strongly believe in what S.K. said as men and women we are very different. From my own experience, I have met a lot of women including myself who are very submissive and seem to be better off that way. I am submissive as it just seems a lot more natural as most female humans.

Despite men and women being very different in terms of leadership and submissiveness. It doesn't apply to all people. There will always be that small population of submissive men and dominant women. Just that they aren't that common compared to submissive women and of course dominant men.

In my case, guess I'm a common submissive woman found by a not that very common dominant woman.

On the Christian side of things, it is mentioned in the bible (1 Corinthians 11:3)that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every woman is a man. You can pretty much decide from there.

To answer your question if I could go the opposite way, nope. I will be submissive whether I encounter a man or a woman. Born to be spanked, not to spank.

Joshua89
Posts: 599
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:13 pm

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Joshua89 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 10:49 am

Well said Jess, as I always say... "different strokes for different folks"

I accept everyone and am genuinely interested in how our lifestyles vary and ways I can improve based on input from you all.

I don't think submissiveness has anything to do with your gender, religion, or even political affiliation. We just desire to serve and show our love in unique ways.
Jess wrote:
Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:27 am
I'm a woman, lead by a woman. Not sure how to apply that there.

But to answer your question.
Question 1 yes I believe you have a good read on this

Between Question 2A and 2B.
I would personally think a male-led one makes more sense. I strongly believe in what S.K. said as men and women we are very different. From my own experience, I have met a lot of women including myself who are very submissive and seem to be better off that way. I am submissive as it just seems a lot more natural as most female humans.

Despite men and women being very different in terms of leadership and submissiveness. It doesn't apply to all people. There will always be that small population of submissive men and dominant women. Just that they aren't that common compared to submissive women and of course dominant men.

In my case, guess I'm a common submissive woman found by a not that very common dominant woman.

On the Christian side of things, it is mentioned in the bible (1 Corinthians 11:3)that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every woman is a man. You can pretty much decide from there.

To answer your question if I could go the opposite way, nope. I will be submissive whether I encounter a man or a woman. Born to be spanked, not to spank.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

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