Male vs. Female Led DD

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Sam89
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Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:54 pm

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Sam89 » Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:35 am

This is a great discussion I wish I saw it sooner! I'm a man and my wife runs the ship. We don't like describing it as FLR because of the sex and women worshiping stuff we found online so we just say DD instead. We're both "dominant" and in the beginning we really tried to be equals. But we both were unhappy and honestly she's just much better at things like organizing, personal discipline, self control. I learned it was just easier to step back and let her decide things.

I think it's up to each couple what works for them. It feels weird sometimes talking on here because I feel like people think the man is supposed to lead. M is very organized and on top of things, I'm scatterbrained and all over the place. I'm more creative and that ADD helps me at work. But I can also be very assertive and protective of her. I didn't stop being a man just because we agreed she's better at steering the ship. I've never had a problem admitting that much.

The only part I'm pretty shy about are the rules and punishments but honestly they work for us. My wife would be totally opposed to having me set rules for her but I don't mind her doing it me. She has good judgement and she knows me really well so I know the rules are ultimately going to help me. Personal discipline has been a problem for me pretty much since I moved out of my parents house. Getting punished does feel childish sometimes but we agreed that was the whole point. Act like a child, get treated like a child and it works really well for us. I don't think it's any different from when the woman gets led by the man.

Also we're both kind of short but she's taller than me. She didn't marry me for my size and strength, she'll tell you it was my creativity and sense of adventure she loves the most.

Joshua89
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Joshua89 » Mon Mar 11, 2019 6:32 pm

Sam89 wrote:
Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:35 am
This is a great discussion I wish I saw it sooner! I'm a man and my wife runs the ship. We don't like describing it as FLR because of the sex and women worshiping stuff we found online so we just say DD instead. We're both "dominant" and in the beginning we really tried to be equals. But we both were unhappy and honestly she's just much better at things like organizing, personal discipline, self control. I learned it was just easier to step back and let her decide things.

I think it's up to each couple what works for them. It feels weird sometimes talking on here because I feel like people think the man is supposed to lead. M is very organized and on top of things, I'm scatterbrained and all over the place. I'm more creative and that ADD helps me at work. But I can also be very assertive and protective of her. I didn't stop being a man just because we agreed she's better at steering the ship. I've never had a problem admitting that much.



I'm in the same boat. I'm the scatter brained one. I am the one that gets punished when I forget chores and how to act respectful etc. My HOH is deffinately my rock but there are times when she needs my masculine comfort. I still play sports, work on cars etc the only difference is I help with indoor chores much more than most husbands. I think some of us are just wired differently. I really excel with her knowledge, stability and leadership.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

Ezz
Posts: 282
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Location: United Kingdom

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Ezz » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:12 am

Sam89 wrote:
Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:35 am
This is a great discussion I wish I saw it sooner! I'm a man and my wife runs the ship. We don't like describing it as FLR because of the sex and women worshiping stuff we found online so we just say DD instead. We're both "dominant" and in the beginning we really tried to be equals. But we both were unhappy and honestly she's just much better at things like organizing, personal discipline, self control. I learned it was just easier to step back and let her decide things.

I think it's up to each couple what works for them. It feels weird sometimes talking on here because I feel like people think the man is supposed to lead. M is very organized and on top of things, I'm scatterbrained and all over the place. I'm more creative and that ADD helps me at work. But I can also be very assertive and protective of her. I didn't stop being a man just because we agreed she's better at steering the ship. I've never had a problem admitting that much.

The only part I'm pretty shy about are the rules and punishments but honestly they work for us. My wife would be totally opposed to having me set rules for her but I don't mind her doing it me. She has good judgement and she knows me really well so I know the rules are ultimately going to help me. Personal discipline has been a problem for me pretty much since I moved out of my parents house. Getting punished does feel childish sometimes but we agreed that was the whole point. Act like a child, get treated like a child and it works really well for us. I don't think it's any different from when the woman gets led by the man.

Also we're both kind of short but she's taller than me. She didn't marry me for my size and strength, she'll tell you it was my creativity and sense of adventure she loves the most.
I realise that this isn't a new message but I've only just found and read it. A lovely open post and I appreciate and respect your honesty. No need to be shy about rules and punishments. As you say, it works for you both and that's what matters. I am the (female) sub but I recognise your situation regarding trying to make it work as equals. We did the same and, like you, found that it didn't work. In fact, it almost destroyed us. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
If I'm not smart, Jez will make me smart :)

Sam89
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:54 pm

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Sam89 » Sun Jul 28, 2019 7:54 pm

Ezz wrote:
Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:12 am
I realise that this isn't a new message but I've only just found and read it. A lovely open post and I appreciate and respect your honesty. No need to be shy about rules and punishments. As you say, it works for you both and that's what matters. I am the (female) sub but I recognise your situation regarding trying to make it work as equals. We did the same and, like you, found that it didn't work. In fact, it almost destroyed us. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
Thank you, good luck to you too.

Ezz
Posts: 282
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Location: United Kingdom

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Ezz » Mon Jul 29, 2019 3:14 am

Thanks!

Interested to hear from any couples that have thought about, seriously considered, or even swapped roles in their relationship. We've spoken about it, particularly during the more difficult periods, but never dared to try it.
If I'm not smart, Jez will make me smart :)

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NateG
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by NateG » Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:03 am

I honestly don't think it's a good idea. I think there needs to be someone who is the leader of the home and makes final decisions.

In most real life situations, it never works well very long when there are two "Chiefs". Someone needs to be the person that says "the buck stops here!".

I also think it would be really easy to get into a keeping score type of mentality. Which isn't healthy.

And.. eventually, the real leader will come out dominate anyway.

Nate

Rand E
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Location: Los Angeles

Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Rand E » Sat Aug 03, 2019 1:45 am

Ezz wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 3:14 am
Thanks!

Interested to hear from any couples that have thought about, seriously considered, or even swapped roles in their relationship. We've spoken about it, particularly during the more difficult periods, but never dared to try it.
My wife and I have a cooperative DD arrangement, and so far, we have made it work. Admittedly, it does have it's own set of challenges, but I suspect that is true of DD arrangements of all types. If you are curious, you don't have to disrupt your DD arrangement or swap roles. Just try one simple act of reciprocation and see what you think. Take it slow and don't take it any further than feels right.

Ezz
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Ezz » Sun Aug 04, 2019 4:45 am

Our discussions have really been about totally swapping roles so that we still have one, and only one, person 'in charge'. The thoughts were mainly (a) did we want to do it, (b) would there be any benefit or would it just be for interest, to see what happens, and (c) how long to 'swap' for. I think for the final question there, it would need to be for a reasonable, and pre-defined, period of time. Possibly a month.

Each time the subject has been raised, it's just been a matter of curiosity, so maybe the second part of (b) would be 'just to see what happens'!

So far, though, we've never got close to actually swapping roles. I'm not sure that I'm up to it anyway and suspect that I might actually hate all the responsibility. So it remains a curiosity.
If I'm not smart, Jez will make me smart :)

Rand E
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Rand E » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:06 pm

Ezz:

What is interesting to me is that you could contemplate the idea of a full-up role reversal.

I have come to believe that our dom and sub tendencies are pretty much baked in to our personalities, and we can adapt and modify them to some extent, but we can't totally change our stripes. To the extent that the CoDD arrangement my wife and I have succeeds at all, it is based primarily on the way we are wired to begin with. I suspect the same holds true for the traditional HoH based DD arrangements practiced here.

So, going from HoH to sub, and vice-versa, just sounds impossible. Even my wife and I, who are probably as adaptable as you can get on dom and sub roles, couldn't just completely jump into either of those roles fully and completely, either way, from where we are at.

And yet, it sounds like it could be an interesting experiment, at least for an interlude, if you did it in the right spirit and with the right guidelines and understandings in place. If nothing else, it could provide a new perspective on your existing DD roles that you would not otherwise have.

Ezz
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Ezz » Mon Aug 05, 2019 3:26 am

Rand E wrote:
Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:06 pm
Ezz:

What is interesting to me is that you could contemplate the idea of a full-up role reversal.

I have come to believe that our dom and sub tendencies are pretty much baked in to our personalities, and we can adapt and modify them to some extent, but we can't totally change our stripes. To the extent that the CoDD arrangement my wife and I have succeeds at all, it is based primarily on the way we are wired to begin with. I suspect the same holds true for the traditional HoH based DD arrangements practiced here.

So, going from HoH to sub, and vice-versa, just sounds impossible. Even my wife and I, who are probably as adaptable as you can get on dom and sub roles, couldn't just completely jump into either of those roles fully and completely, either way, from where we are at.

And yet, it sounds like it could be an interesting experiment, at least for an interlude, if you did it in the right spirit and with the right guidelines and understandings in place. If nothing else, it could provide a new perspective on your existing DD roles that you would not otherwise have.
I do agree with what you say there, but there are a couple of factors that come into play for Jez and I. I'm not saying that it would work (swapping roles completely), but for us, the dom and sub tendencies that you mention are not, and have never been, obvious. I've written about this elsewhere, but for us, it was never the power-struggle that other people describe, in fact, completely he opposite. Neither of us are born leaders, and both caused us to get deeper and deeper into a mess. The same mess that actually led us into DD in the first place. Fortunately, DD has been like a miracle in fixing those problems, but the choice of who would be the HoH wasn't obvious. Jez was just as good as I was at burying his head in the sand and hoping that our difficulties would just go away (which of course, they didn't) rather than tackling them head on.

Maybe after all these years, swapping roles would be very difficult indeed for us, but because of our similar natures, perhaps not impossible. It remains an interesting concept for us, but not one that looks likely to get to becoming a reality. It would be an experiment, and an interesting one no doubt, as you say.
If I'm not smart, Jez will make me smart :)

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