Male vs. Female Led DD

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Jess
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Jess » Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:27 pm

Thanks Joshua! Yeah not everybody is the same

irunlolarun
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by irunlolarun » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:19 am

I am a submissive woman and my HoH is also a woman. Honestly, I have a hard time reading articles and blogs about DD and the types of relationship categories (I prefer "taken in hand") that employ it because it centers around male-led heterosexual relationships. I get it, that's most common in this group of people. But that doesn't make it okay to generalize and say things like "all women have a natural desire to be submissive to a man". Whenever I sent articles for my partner to read she has to gloss over the parts that claim "the man is in charge..." and focus on the dynamic itself, ignoring the prescribed gender roles.

Willow11
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Willow11 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:12 am

To be completely honest, I think you have to take it on a “couple by couple” basis.

For me, the first year of our marriage was spent with me largely being in charge and taking the role as HoH. And in the past two weeks of me stepping down into a Submissive role, I have been happier and more relaxed than in that whole time.

With that said, it is much EASIER for me to lead than for my husband to. I grew up in an environment where taking charge was a quality I had to have, and I still work as a leader in my daily life and in my social groups. But, in our home, it DOESNT work for me to be the leader.

Is it harder for my husband to now take over all the things I was managing for us? Yes. But is he backing down from this challenge? No.

Find what makes your dynamic as a couple the most optimized. Or, I guess a better way to say it, you do you Lol

Joshua89
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Joshua89 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:08 pm

Amen! you hit the nail on the head

(except obviously reversed HOH gender for myself)
WillowC90 wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:12 am
To be completely honest, I think you have to take it on a “couple by couple” basis.

For me, the first year of our marriage was spent with me largely being in charge and taking the role as HoH. And in the past two weeks of me stepping down into a Submissive role, I have been happier and more relaxed than in that whole time.

With that said, it is much EASIER for me to lead than for my husband to. I grew up in an environment where taking charge was a quality I had to have, and I still work as a leader in my daily life and in my social groups. But, in our home, it DOESNT work for me to be the leader.

Is it harder for my husband to now take over all the things I was managing for us? Yes. But is he backing down from this challenge? No.

Find what makes your dynamic as a couple the most optimized. Or, I guess a better way to say it, you do you Lol
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

geeman
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by geeman » Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:11 pm

Interesting discussion. First off, I just want to point out I am a man in a Female Led Relationship. I can't speak to the Christian component of the arguments because I'm not a Christian nor am I compelled by any of the arguments for an HOH lifestyle based on that premise.

I agree with most that it is a case by case basis. Do we need to spank someone to get their attention or get them to understand? No. That process is a bit archaic in a society with so many resources available for conflict resolution. But having said that, the HOH relationship is a personal one where choices are willingly made (at least you hope so). We make them with the belief it will create a better environment for both parties.

I'm a man. I'm not a pushover. I have defended my Wife's honor more than once. I work, I pay bills, I fix things when they are broken. I like beer and sports. By any definition, I am typically male. What I don't have is a dominant personality. My Wife has that, in spades. I knew that when I married and frankly, it was my behavior that was the problem. Challenging her authority never worked when we dated. It only got worse when we were married. Why did I do that? I don't know, I never went to therapy for it. What I did know was that she was happy when I listened and did what I was told. And I was happy when I listened and did as I was told.

Agreeing to an FLR for us was a natural progression of what already existed. For us (and strictly for us), openly recognizing this hierarchy the way we do is stimulating. I like that my Wife is domineering. That does not mean She is a bitch or insensitive. Quite the opposite. She is strong and confident. That is a turn on. On the flip side, my Wife likes that I am every bit the man She has always wanted and it turns Her on that this strong man will know his place and go stand in a Corner when She tells him to. Win/win.

Adopting an FLR does not mean there is no discussion. There always is. We communicate. But when we disagree, my Wife has the final say. Why? Because we both agreed that's how it was going to be in our home. I have no problem with it. Is my Wife demanding? Very. She wants things how She wants them and when I don't follow along, I am corrected. Sometimes it's a simple reminder of our Agreement (which is openly displayed in our bedroom) and other times, it is Corner Time with a stern lecture. And when I do things her way, she is the most loving and caring human I know. That is the wonderful flip side to our FLR. She is the boss but she is also the caregiver, the lover and the ego boost I need in my life.

Although I don't feel spanking is a necessity for two adults, I do get them. I get them because I completely failed to respect Her authority. And I agreed I would respect that authority. So they are a necessary punishment to correct my behavior. I accept that and they work, I generally don't make the same mistake twice.

I would also be lying if I said there was not a sexual component to all of this. Of course there is. My wife gets turned on being the boss. She truly enjoys her little lectures and is often very loving after the fact. When I am punished, I know she gets some arousal from it, partly because she is asserting her control and partly because she knows I'm going to do what I'm told next time. Those realities often result in a sensual moment between us. Again, win/win.

Joshua89
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Joshua89 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 6:11 pm

Thank you Geeman! Perfectly stated, and %100 relate able I will be bookmarking this to read when I am having a bad day in the future!!!

appreciate you taking the time to share all of this ☺
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

Lauren
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Lauren » Mon Feb 26, 2018 10:49 pm

I am in a male led CDD relationship. We do believe that the man is the head of the household. I personally don't understand FLR. But that is okay. To each their own. I am going to get very personal here and say that I was raped by my stepdad for seven years and I felt like I never had control. No control of the situation, no control over my body or my thoughts. I had no control over what was happening to me. So after that I felt like I had to control EVERYTHING. I became obsessed. It was exhausting. My first husband and I tried to do DD but it's really hard when only one person is trying. My current husband and I agreed on a CDD relationship since day one. It is a blessing. I still try to control things sometimes but my husband nips it in the butt right away. I am the one who does our finances and I am the oil of our home but he makes sure I am doing those things. He is my manly man teddy bear. And it is such a relief. I am glad I found someone who could take that burden from me. I would never want to switch places.

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Phil04
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Phil04 » Wed Aug 22, 2018 2:59 pm

I am going to focus on the second question, and take a pass on the first. My wife and I have only been in this for about 6 weeks and don't feel well enough informed to answer.

Since question 2 is about personal opinions and experience, I am more than happy to answer.

2A. I don't think a FLR is weird or anti-biblical. I think most women naturally lean to the submissive and most men naturally lean to the dominant side. However, since I said "most" there are obviously those that don't. When a relationship has a female dominant I think a FLR makes sense (assuming the other partner is submissive, two dominants is just trouble). That being said I grew up in a FLR family, don't the to the extreme of DD, but my mother certainly was the one in charge.

No, I don't think I ever could change to the TiH role. My HoH instincts run WAY to deep. When my wife and I have played with roll reversal, it never works.


Phil

TheGoodWifeLife
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by TheGoodWifeLife » Wed Oct 31, 2018 3:23 pm

I know I’m late to the party, but what an interesting topic! I don’t think it’s my place to decide what God thinks about how other people choose to run their homes and relationships. I respect everyone’s right to their own happiness and harmony. Is it harming me in some way? No. Therefore, it’s never my place to tell anyone else they can’t or shouldn’t do or feel however they please. Do I understand FLR who practice DD? Personally, no. I CAN understand having the girlfriend/wife being the one who ultimately makes decisions for the family though. What I struggle to fully understand about FLR using DD is really just the physical strength and power dynamics being so different from my own. That doesn’t make it wrong! It’s just hard for me to imagine my 5’2” tiny self physically “dominating” my 6’3” husband. I have learned through this forum that the ultimate in submission is to fully accept your HoH discipline. I suppose in the FLR the men are actually much better at submitting than what I sometimes am! My husband has had to overpower me physically in order to get me to cooperate more than once. But a part of me likes that, craves that even. For me, it’s unbelievably sexy feeling my husband’s strength (not necessarily with spanking lol) but when he holds me, when he is doing something like lifting 10x more weight than I can, and even when we’re intimate. I know he can protect me, even from myself sometimes. I don’t think I could honestly ever be attracted to someone who wasn’t a dominant personality. That’s just me though. Lots of people can’t fathom how I can live the way I do either! Like you’ve said, different strokes for different folks 😉
Sassy Southern Wife & Mama & follower of Jesus

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Miras
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Re: Male vs. Female Led DD

Post by Miras » Sun Feb 10, 2019 12:47 pm

I was also a little thinking about this contrast in polygamous marriages. Technically, the structure of one guy with many wives is even more patriarchal than what we expect in monogamous MLR, buuuuut there is always room for some imagination :D .
Occasionally friendly Spencerist guy
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Putting DD back into BuDDhism

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