Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

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Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by blogposts » Wed Jan 30, 2019 8:05 pm

I wanted to briefly (well, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it brief) talk to everyone about one of the most common domestic discipline questions I think I’ve ever heard- “What if the HoH breaks a rule? Can I punish them too? It’s not fair.” (or some sort of variation of that).
To be perfectly honest, I don’t have a genius answer to that question, even though I’ve...

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Miras
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by Miras » Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:59 am

SSP might be slightly impractical, but as of now, it´s the only acceptable model of this relationship for me.
Occasionally friendly Spencerist guy
Faktor IV of MdI - Maghan
Unofficial member of The Wicked Tribe
Putting DD back into BuDDhism

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DesertRose
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by DesertRose » Thu Jan 31, 2019 4:58 pm

When I agree that my future-husband should lead and he has the authority to punish me.. then I'm declaring that he has a one step "advantage" over me.

So when he breaks a rule or makes a mistake... I would expect him to apologize and admit his fault, but I don't believe that I have the right to punish him, because this would break the dynamic.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

SurrealSD
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by SurrealSD » Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:08 pm

This is a pretty timely topic as D broke a pretty major rule this weekend. I was upset and having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He felt guilty about it. We talked about the fact that, if the situation were reversed, he would be able to assign a punishment that would clear the air, wipe the slate clean, and enable both of us to move on with a clear head. We wanted to do something similar. After brainstorming, he volunteered to do a pretty unpleasant physical task at my house that I had been putting off. Doing the unpleasant physical task allowed him to feel that he had made it up to me and helped me get past it. I don't know if we'll do this every time but in this specific instance it helped us both.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

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DesertRose
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by DesertRose » Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:45 pm

SurrealSD wrote:
Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:08 pm
This is a pretty timely topic as D broke a pretty major rule this weekend. I was upset and having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He felt guilty about it. We talked about the fact that, if the situation were reversed, he would be able to assign a punishment that would clear the air, wipe the slate clean, and enable both of us to move on with a clear head. We wanted to do something similar. After brainstorming, he volunteered to do a pretty unpleasant physical task at my house that I had been putting off. Doing the unpleasant physical task allowed him to feel that he had made it up to me and helped me get past it. I don't know if we'll do this every time but in this specific instance it helped us both.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I find your experience interesting .. especially the fact that you were not been able to move on until he had to do something to make it up for you. Maybe this is something couples should consider when they agree on this lifestyle. You did not technically punish him, but he did not get away with what he had done neither.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

SurrealSD
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by SurrealSD » Thu Jan 31, 2019 9:15 pm

DesertRose wrote:
Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:45 pm
SurrealSD wrote:
Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:08 pm
This is a pretty timely topic as D broke a pretty major rule this weekend. I was upset and having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He felt guilty about it. We talked about the fact that, if the situation were reversed, he would be able to assign a punishment that would clear the air, wipe the slate clean, and enable both of us to move on with a clear head. We wanted to do something similar. After brainstorming, he volunteered to do a pretty unpleasant physical task at my house that I had been putting off. Doing the unpleasant physical task allowed him to feel that he had made it up to me and helped me get past it. I don't know if we'll do this every time but in this specific instance it helped us both.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I find your experience interesting .. especially the fact that you were not been able to move on until he had to do something to make it up for you. Maybe this is something couples should consider when they agree on this lifestyle. You did not technically punish him, but he did not get away with what he had done neither.

To be honest, I was really hurt by it. If we had been a "normal" non-dd couple, the hurt would have simmered, I would have become passive-aggressive, he would have been defensive with his shields up, trying to defend the indefensible. Because of DD, we already have a framework for talking about violations honestly and making restitution for them. It just took a little brainstorming to come up with a way for that to happen without him being directly punished. Just like with spanking, it wasn't that the actual task he did made up for the rule break. It was that he cared enough to make restitution and we had a framework for atonement and forgiveness.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

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DesertRose
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Re: Domestic Discipline blog: The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

Post by DesertRose » Fri Feb 01, 2019 6:22 pm

SurrealSD wrote:
Thu Jan 31, 2019 9:15 pm
To be honest, I was really hurt by it. If we had been a "normal" non-dd couple, the hurt would have simmered, I would have become passive-aggressive, he would have been defensive with his shields up, trying to defend the indefensible. Because of DD, we already have a framework for talking about violations honestly and making restitution for them. It just took a little brainstorming to come up with a way for that to happen without him being directly punished. Just like with spanking, it wasn't that the actual task he did made up for the rule break. It was that he cared enough to make restitution and we had a framework for atonement and forgiveness.
Thank you SurrealSD for this valuable comment. You just confirmed my belief. After taking your permission, I might use this comment to convince someone that DD actually works!
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

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