Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

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Rand E
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Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Rand E » Tue Jan 07, 2020 7:31 am

Recovered by Miras:

Post : The Importance Of Crying and Tears
URL : http://domestic-discipline.net/the-impo ... of-crying/
Posted : October 23, 2017 at 12:58 pm
Author : Clint
Tags : Crying, Domestic Discipline, tears
Categories : Important things: Basic Posts on Domestic Discipline, Important things: Frequently Asked Questions

We’ve always found it difficult to stress the importance of the submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking process. When we say that the submissive partner crying is an important part of a successful spanking, we don’t say that in a heartless, insensitive, or barbaric way. Quite the opposite, in fact. It isn’t like we’re some animals that enjoy seeing people cry. Explaining why spanking to tears is a healthy and loving part of the domestic discipline lifestyle may be difficult to do, but we’re up for the challenge. We feel it’s important to discuss this topic.

The anti-DD crowd is going to LOVE this entry. Away we go…

The submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking is important for a few reasons. One, it shows that the submissive partner is remorseful for their actions and shows that they understand how their behavior/poor judgment was dangerous or detrimental to the home and/or relationship. Without this realization, the submissive partner may feel as though the punishment is unfair or unjust, which would likely lead to unnecessary additional problems. It’s the responsibility of the HoH to express how and why their partner’s behavior was a problem during the lecture in a way that is easy for their partner to comprehend. We’ll touch more on that point in a moment.

The second reason crying is so important is the emotional release that it offers the submissive partner. When the submissive partner knows that their behavior/poor judgment disappointed their HoH, naturally they can develop a heavy emotional burden of guilt, remorse, and sorrow. The feeling of letting your partner down isn’t a pleasant feeling for anyone. The submissive partner may feel disappointment in themselves as well, which can trigger those same negative emotions. Crying offers a means of releasing these heavy negative emotions. After crying, the submissive partner will feel as though they have been appropriately held accountable for their actions, and they will feel a sense of forgiveness from their HoH. Two very important things.

After a “good cry”, there will be a feeling that slate has been wiped clean, the infraction is now in the past, and the couple can now move forward without those feelings of guilt and disappointment. These are very good feelings for both partners, and an important part of the entire experience.

Third, the submissive partner crying lets the HoH know where they are at in the spanking process. If there are no tears, it may wrongly convey the message that the spanking is having little to no effect on the submissive partner, thus prompting the HoH to spank harder/more times. That could cause potential problems as, in an attempt to get the submissive partner to their crying point, the HoH may over compensate and spank too much/too hard. By the submissive partner crying, it sends the message to the HoH that the spanking is effective and that the lesson is being learned.

When a submissive partner holds back tears, or tries to “prove their toughness”, it’s counter-productive to the whole spanking process and could potentially lead to some serious medical ramifications if the HoH spanks too much/too hard. It’s strongly recommended submissive partners do not do this as it could lead to very harmful results both physically and emotionally.

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Those three reasons are why the submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking process is so important.

My partner doesn’t cry. I want them to have that release, and I know they want it as well, but we can’t seem to get to the point of crying. Any suggestions?

It’s important for a couple to understand that the spanking is not a total failure if the submissive partner doesn’t cry at any point throughout the process. Just because they didn’t cry does NOT mean the message was not received, or that the spanking was not successful. If the behavior improves and positive results come from the spanking (better communication, better understanding, stronger emotional bond, etc.), then the spanking was successful, even if the submissive partner did not cry at any point.

The HoH did not fail in their duty as disciplinarian, and the submissive partner did not fail in their duty of deferring, or “submitting”, or yielding (as one commenter put it), to their HoH if there are no tears during the spanking process. Some individuals tend to feel this way about the whole crying issue, and they shouldn’t. Some individuals have a difficult time crying. Simple as that. No tears does not mean either partner failed at any point during the spanking. It does mean, however, that the couple needs to make some adjustments to how they go about the spanking process.

Before making that adjustment, however, the couple must first know why the submissive partner is not crying. Once the reason is determined, the appropriate adjustment can be made to address the problem.

In our experience, the number one reason a submissive partner does not cry during a spanking is due to an incorrect mindset. They may not fully understand how their behavior was unacceptable/inappropriate, they may not fully understand the magnitude of the mistake, they may not feel any remorse, they may be thinking about something else entirely, they may not care, they may not be taking the punishment seriously – it could be any number of things. The bottom line with any of these incorrect mindsets is that the submissive partner must get to the point where they are focusing directly on the problem and situation at hand, and how their behavior has negatively impacted the home and relationship. Getting the submissive partner to that point isn’t their responsibility – it’s the HoH’s responsibility.

The husband MUST lecture correctly. We’ve outlined how to do so here ( http://domestic-discipline.net/the-art-of-the-lecture/ ) . During the lecture process, the HoH must help their partner realize that the behavior was/is unacceptable/inappropriate on a more meaningful level than just, “Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have done that.” If the submissive partner claims to understand how their behavior was a problem already, then the HoH must ensure that they understand every angle, and every single aspect as to why the behavior absolutely cannot be repeated. It needs to get to the point where the submissive partner feels legitimate, meaningful remorse for their behavior. It needs to “sink in”, so to speak.

Generally this requires a more stern approach to the lecture, and a longer lecture.

That does NOT mean the HoH needs to be a complete jerk about things (yell at their partner, belittle them, humiliate them, etc.), but the HoH does needs to be very clear, and very firm with their convictions. “We agreed to our rules. They were broken. We wouldn’t be in this position had any thought been put into this and better judgment been used. It wasn’t, lives were put on the line, and I never want this to happen again. Is that clear?“

That’s very direct and very concise. A lecture that contains a few minutes of this stern approach will help get the submissive partner in the correct mindset, and help to get them focused on the problem/situation. Again, it needs to get to the point where the submissive partner is showing legitimate, meaningful remorse for their actions and not just brushing it aside as if to say, “Yeah, I know what I did wrong. Yada, yada, yada. Let’s get this over with.” It needs to mean a little more than that. A lot more than that, actually.

So, if the submissive partner is not crying due to them having the incorrect mindset, this is how we recommend a couple go about addressing the problem. Quite frankly, the HoH needs to be more stern with the lecture and do a better overall job of lecturing.

The second reason the submissive partner typically does not cry during a spanking is due to the spanking not being painful enough. The solution to this is simple – the spanking needs to be A) harder, B) longer, or C) both. There’s no other way to put it – the HoH needs to increase the intensity of the spanking in some fashion.

The third reason the submissive partner typically does not cry during a spanking is due to their buttocks becoming numb to the pain at some point in the process. If the HoH strikes with the exact same implement, in the exact same spot, with the exact same force behind the strikes for the duration of the spanking, the buttocks will become numb to the pain – particularly if they are spanking exactly the same way over the course of several months. Once the buttocks becomes numb to the pain, the HoH could spank countless times and it wouldn’t make any difference. Obviously that would be a problem.

To prevent the buttocks becoming numb to the pain, the HoH needs to mix things up throughout the entire spanking. The HoH needs to alternate implements and vary their strength behind the strikes throughout the entire spanking. It’s also important that the strikes fall on different areas of the buttocks. Varying the aspects of the spanking like this will ensure the buttocks does not become numb to the pain, which will keep the spanking painful and effective. This will increase the probability of the submissive partner crying and, as strange and as harsh as it may sound, crying is a good thing.

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Also, striking the back of the thighs can help prevent numbness in the buttocks, HOWEVER, if the HoH chooses to strike the back of the thighs, it’s recommended they do so minimally. The back of the thighs is an incredibly sensitive area that is highly susceptible to bruising/welts. Strike the back of the thighs with extreme caution, and only do so as a last resort.

If all of these options fail, boot camp ( http://domestic-discipline.net/domestic ... -bootcamp/ ) can be a means of addressing a “no crying” problem as well. Boot camp is an intensely emotional experience and can help with this problem, however we would only recommend couples consider boot camp if all of the above recommendations have been exhausted.

Even after addressing a “no crying” problem with the above recommendations, a submissive partner still may not cry. At that point there isn’t much else the head of the household can do, unfortunately. Again, that does not mean that the HoH is a failure, or that the submissive partner is a failure by any means. Some people just do not cry, and that’s a reality for some couples. There will still be plenty of benefits that result from a spanking, even if the benefits of a “good cry” are not obtained.

It’s important that the head of the household do all they can to help their partner cry, and that the couple continue to work together to find the best ways to enhance all aspects of their DD relationship. If all communication lines remain open between partners, any problem can be understood, addressed and overcome in a way that brings them the most happiness.

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Sassyclouds
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Sassyclouds » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:20 am

I had trouble crying. It always hurt. I would wince or say sorry many times or move if it really hurt, but I never put my hands back but i whimpered in pain. I was always sore after my spankings though. I usually bruised because he did not like giving warm ups. He hated using his hand too. I almost always just got implements. The wooden paddle, his belt and the cane usually. The "money" spanking was many different implements and on my thighs and sit spots mostly. Plus, I was still sore from a spanking with the cane a week before... So, I cried so much during that spanking. I even flipped over on my back to avoid being spanked more. It's a miracle he pulled back and didn't strike me on my belly!! It was just the most painful and the longest spanking he ever gave me. I really did love and respect him after. I felt very submissive. I felt at peace. My guilt of accidentally spending more money than I was allowed each month, was gone. That is why I want a DD marriage. It really helped me. He was a good HOH in the beginning 😃 then, he changed. He stopped being consistent or would punish me when I did not deserve it 😥 So, that "money" spanking left me in so much pain for 2 weeks!! But, I never repeated my mistake 😆
I had a marriage with DD. I definitely want that again, if I ever get married again. The closeness and secure feeling in DD was wonderful. The love and respect is amplified after a discipline spanking.... I miss it. I miss having an HOH to help me.

DisciplinedWife
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by DisciplinedWife » Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:59 am

I think crying and tears are over-emphasised in DD. As mentioned before, I receive fixed number of strokes (2,4,6 or 12) for my misdemeanours. Thanks to my increased acquaintance with the cane over the years, even six strokes do not bring me to tears. So as per the recommendation of the blogger, I should be punished 12 strokes every time :cry: Given that 3 of my last 4 spankings have been of 12 strokes, may be that is the new reality for me.

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Sassyclouds
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Sassyclouds » Fri Jan 10, 2020 5:57 pm

I think it's important that the TIH tells her HOH, I didn't cry, but it really hurt and I did learn. I understand why and will do better. If every HOH "assumes" only tears equal remorse and success, then the TIHs who just "can't cry will be spanked too harsh. I only cried on really severe spankings, like the "money spanking" and once when I turned my cell phone off to take the kids to the fair. I was told I couldn't go. He had a tracker on my cell phone....so, I took the chance that we he wouldn't call me and know my phone's off. My oldest would have told him she went to the fair, so there was no way I would have gotten away with it. I wasn't thinking 😆 But, it wasn't fair that my kids had to miss the fair because I was in trouble. Again, maybe he was right. Maybe I'm not Submissive. He said I liked to be "forced" to submit. I have always been a submissive person. But, maybe he was right 😥
I had a marriage with DD. I definitely want that again, if I ever get married again. The closeness and secure feeling in DD was wonderful. The love and respect is amplified after a discipline spanking.... I miss it. I miss having an HOH to help me.

Lee C
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Lee C » Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:05 am

Sassyclouds wrote:
Fri Jan 10, 2020 5:57 pm
He said I liked to be "forced" to submit. I have always been a submissive person. But, maybe he was right 😥
Is being "forced" to submit part of the psychology of DD? An honest question because I really don't know. Why does the idea that a woman would command my respect etc. intrigue me so much? I'm totally not into BDSM, because degradation and the "slave mentality" are too emotionally painful for me. I've been rejected most of my life and don't need to add to it, that's for sure!

I'm the kind of person to focus on details, to wring every bit of excellence out of something that I can. I would be viewed as a perfectionist but that's not accurate. It's not that I expect the best, it's that I expect to give the best. Maybe this is a submissive tendency in that the idea of a woman accepting nothing less than me giving my absolute best for her is what I find most appealing. God how I love to please a woman! And I do mean "that way", in addition to other things like foot rubs, hot oil massages, cleaning the house, and yes, submitting to her discipline. So even though I really want to offer those things anyway, there is something extra in being expected, or forced, to offer those things.

i don't think he was right. I think you are. Well, hoping you are, because I tend the same way.
My dream is to love my wife and be loved by her and I am willing to submit to her disciplinary authority so that I can be the best I can be to serve her and others.

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Sassyclouds
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Sassyclouds » Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:38 am

They are very important
Last edited by Sassyclouds on Sat Jan 25, 2020 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I had a marriage with DD. I definitely want that again, if I ever get married again. The closeness and secure feeling in DD was wonderful. The love and respect is amplified after a discipline spanking.... I miss it. I miss having an HOH to help me.

Lee C
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Lee C » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:19 am

Sassyclouds wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:38 am
He wanted BDSM, not sweet, old fashioned, Domestic Discipline like I wanted. I did NOT like to be forced to take my spanking. I submitted to even the extremely painful spankings, because I deserved them. The spankings I fought him on were because I felt I didn't deserve them. But, I ALWAYS got spanked, because he was bigger and stronger and forced me into position and bared me while I fought him and he spanked me fast and hard!!! Once was because I was too tired to stay up really late with him. He got mad and spanked me angry. Again, I fought him. Again, I lost, because he was so much stronger than me. Supposedly, a true submissive will take the undeserved spankings. I guess I'm not 100% submissive. But, I am not dominant. I never have been a leader. I never wanted to be in charge. I am terrified raising 2 little kids all by myself 😲 so, I have no desire to be an HOH.
I would not like the abusive use of force and I feel remorse that you were treated that way, even though it wasn't me who did that. Part of what's hard about being a submissive guy is that the stereotypical perception is that men are not giving to the women in their lives. I am complete and fulfilled when I give but I am not submissive in all areas. I am a musician, I do not make a lot of money and that will likely never change. I would never submit to a woman who doesn't see the value in what I do. That's one primary reason why my marriage failed, she sees no value in what I do, even though I did before and told her unequivocally that I would NOT give it up after marriage (She agreed to get me and then about 6 months in told me she didn't mean it. I will admit, even though I've essentially forgiven her, the damage is irrevocable.) I can be very dominant when needed, it's a valid part of my personality but the submissive side of me is equally valid. And valuable. It has great worth, just like your submissive side. You are worth every bit of it and any man that doesn't see that isn't worth you. Isn't worth how you are and who you are.

If DD isn't loving, it isn't DD. It's abuse.

Now for a bit of the "dommy" part of me. I totally advocate men being allowed get together to whoop on any man who beats his wife. I sincerely mean that. People with no clue will say that violence doesn't solve anything but any man who beats his wife should be treated violently. I've learned the hard way, if you punch a bully in the nose, that's usually what it takes to get them to stop bullying. One of the things I truly hate about human history is that men have beaten their wives.

I know raising your daughters alone is terrifying. I know I have nothing more to offer than words, but I will encourage you with this: you have at least one friend who lives on the lonely side of DD and understands you. When things are blackest, remember the sometimes dommy, sometimes subby guy who thinks of you and values what you have to offer. You're not alone!
My dream is to love my wife and be loved by her and I am willing to submit to her disciplinary authority so that I can be the best I can be to serve her and others.

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Sassyclouds
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Sassyclouds » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:40 am

Wow!! Thank you!! Lee, you really do deserve to be loved and valued too!! I usually am afraid of confrontation. I always had trouble standing up for myself. I don't know how I suddenly fought him so hard during those times. But, it just came out. You know, fight him!! When you, a man, submits to a woman, you can't fight. I mean, your stronger and could physically hurt her, by accident. So if you were told, unfairly, to get into position, and she was very angry, would you?
I had a marriage with DD. I definitely want that again, if I ever get married again. The closeness and secure feeling in DD was wonderful. The love and respect is amplified after a discipline spanking.... I miss it. I miss having an HOH to help me.

Lee C
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Lee C » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:05 am

Sassyclouds wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:40 am
Wow!! Thank you!! Lee, you really do deserve to be loved and valued too!! I usually am afraid of confrontation. I always had trouble standing up for myself. I don't know how I suddenly fought him so hard during those times. But, it just came out. You know, fight him!! When you, a man, submits to a woman, you can't fight. I mean, your stronger and could physically hurt her, by accident. So if you were told, unfairly, to get into position, and she was very angry, would you?
I am fairly well organized and meticulous, so I had written out a DD agreement draft to start us out. It was important to me to give as much detailed information as possible. I've read countless accounts of the confusion when people start out DD.

One of the things I laid out was this:

She will have sole discretion in when I am disciplined. There will be time for talk before and after but once she has determined I will be disciplined, I will submit regardless of what I think or feel in the moment.

This was meant to prevent me from backing out of what I was the one to ask for in the first place. I very specifically said that job number one should be that she got so good at it that I would actually be fearful of her discipline. To me, that is what real discipline is. I should not enjoy it the moment in the slightest.

So for the short answer to your questionn, "Yes, I would get into position and accept her discipline." I know there's far more to it than this but not submitting means going against the very thing I asked for in the first place. I always want it to be loving but the time for talking would be afterward.

I could very easily hurt my wife physically. In fact, there are far more women I could hurt than could hurt me in a fight. If ever I could follow through with suicide, physically abusing my wife (or any woman) would be something that just might send me over the brink. I feel guilt and remorse when I read others have. Maybe precisely because I never have. It's not in me and I can't begin to relate to someone who actually would.

For you, and any other woman, I think the amount of discussion needed would be very time-consuming and VERY necessary to help prevent being abused. Women can very capable in pretty much anything men can be, and vice versa, but the vast majority of men can overpower a woman due to general upper body strength alone. I have no problem with anyone being disciplined as an adult, and certainly when it's consensual. But no one, ever, should be abused, woman or man. And as it relates to us on this forum, no woman EVER should be abused because she asked for DD. She should be praised and honored, loved and cherished for such a precious gift!
My dream is to love my wife and be loved by her and I am willing to submit to her disciplinary authority so that I can be the best I can be to serve her and others.

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Sassyclouds
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Re: Domestic Discipline Blog: The Importance Of Crying and Tears

Post by Sassyclouds » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:12 am

Perfectly said 😊 You always respond in such a sweet way. You and I agree on so much!!
I had a marriage with DD. I definitely want that again, if I ever get married again. The closeness and secure feeling in DD was wonderful. The love and respect is amplified after a discipline spanking.... I miss it. I miss having an HOH to help me.

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