My HoH's TV dilemma

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sweetie
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My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by sweetie » Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:49 am

My HoH has requested I post this on the Forum and she would welcome all thoughts, comments and suggestions please. Thank you.

If you've been following my Journal viewtopic.php?f=14&t=538, I touched on my HoH's TV dilemma in the post headed 'A chat before my HoH left for work - Thursday 31st May 2018' (page 2).

The football (soccer) World Cup is imminent. The first match is played on the 14th June and the final match is played on the 15th July, so an entire month of football. I love football, it's a family thing, and mum, dad, and I have been season ticket holders for the team I support since I was ten. My dad and I are still season ticket holders (mum sadly passed away 16th December 2015).

I love football but my HoH hates it. In the past, I've been obsessive and the World Cup has completely taken over our TV viewing during the tournament. The DD element of our FLR is relatively recent and we're still learning. This is the first time there's been a World Cup (like the Olympics, it's a once every four years event) since we introduced DD elements and my HoH has asked me to ask you all how you would approach this in your household? My HoH wants to be fair, but she also wants to be able to watch TV herself during this period.

My HoH and I would welcome your thoughts and suggestions.

Background information:
*In football terms, the World Cup is the ultimate tournament (there's nothing bigger)
*It's being hosted in Russia so there will be a time difference involved. I haven't studied the timings yet, but there are about three matches every day for the first three weeks and then there are some days where no matches are played in the later rounds
*Usually for the first couple of weeks there's three matches shown live on TV each day - I'd expect a mid-afternoon match, a tea-time match, and an evening match [UK time]
*In the third week this drops down to two matches every day
*After that there are some days with no matches, and when there are matches it starts to trail off to one match a day.

Thanks in advance.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Lavendar
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by Lavendar » Sat Jun 02, 2018 6:02 am

Sweetie,

My first thought: This is the first World Cup since your mother passed. Will watching it help you with grief processing? I feel that should be taken into consideration.

Second: In the States, we have what we call "football widows" in relation to American football. My husband is a huge American football fan, and I lose him on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights from September through January. It's tough. I give him that time because I know he needs it for a stress outlet. But were I the HoH, I would limit it because of its toll on our relationship. It does cause a strain.

Third: Is there a way you can tell her what the most important games are, and only watch those? Or keep it down to one per day?


Lavendar
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NateG
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by NateG » Sat Jun 02, 2018 10:24 am

I understand the desire to watch your favorite sport, .in this big event. But it can get a little crazy. Maybe your Hoh can talk to you about which matches you most want to watch. Maybe you can do some extra chores to watch more tv.

Flrswats
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by Flrswats » Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:56 am

I too am a ‘soccer’ fan. Haha Just messing with you. I know everywhere else in the world it’s referred to as ‘football.’ In 2014’ when the US was doing well and almost best Germany, I was consumed by it. I would take my IPad with me to work to make sure I could watch it. Is this an option for you? Do you have a tablet of some kind that you can watch the games if she allows you but not take up control of ya’lls main television in your home? This would be the easiest solution and it also sounds like she is going to monitor how many games you watch which is understandable because of how many games there will be in the World Cup. Luckily for me I don’t have a whole lot of time to watch television but when I get home in the evening, as long as I put our son to sleep my Hoh (wife) let’s me watch what I want till it’s tjme to go to bed. Unless I have an appointment with her paddle. Than it’s straight to business first before anything else. Happy World Cup to you!

Lauren
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by Lauren » Sun Jun 03, 2018 9:26 am

You mentioned elsewhere that you are able to record shows on your television. Why don't you record the games you want to watch and watch them when its convenient?

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sweetie
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by sweetie » Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:12 pm

Thanks, Lavendar,
Lavendar wrote:
Sat Jun 02, 2018 6:02 am
My first thought: This is the first World Cup since your mother passed. Will watching it help you with grief processing? I feel that should be taken into consideration.
You know I hadn't thought of that but you're right. I've been through the first year and thought I'd done all the first-one-since-mum-died things but yes things on a more than one year cycle, the first ones are still coming up. Generally, I don't think I have grieved properly and am currently having some issues.
Lavendar wrote:
Sat Jun 02, 2018 6:02 am
Second: In the States, we have what we call "football widows" in relation to American football. My husband is a huge American football fan, and I lose him on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights from September through January. It's tough. I give him that time because I know he needs it for a stress outlet. But were I the HoH, I would limit it because of its toll on our relationship. It does cause a strain.
Yes, I think that's exactly what my HoH is looking to do for those reasons.
Lavendar wrote:
Sat Jun 02, 2018 6:02 am
Third: Is there a way you can tell her what the most important games are, and only watch those? Or keep it down to one per day?
NateG wrote:
Sat Jun 02, 2018 10:24 am
I understand the desire to watch your favorite sport, .in this big event. But it can get a little crazy. Maybe your Hoh can talk to you about which matches you most want to watch. Maybe you can do some extra chores to watch more tv.
Yes, that would be possible in the first two rounds of the group phases but for the final matches of the group stage and then the subsequent knockout matches (winner goes through, loser goes home) it will depend on previous results and the standings of the teams as to who plays who and when.

Thanks, Nate negotiating extra chores for more TV might be something my HoH would consider.
Last edited by sweetie on Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

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sweetie
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by sweetie » Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:20 pm

Thanks, Flrswats.
Flrswats wrote:
Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:56 am
In 2014’ when the US was doing well and almost best Germany, I was consumed by it. I would take my IPad with me to work to make sure I could watch it. Is this an option for you? Do you have a tablet of some kind that you can watch the games if she allows you but not take up control of ya’lls main television in your home?
I work from home quite a lot so this may be possible for some of the afternoon matches if I can be flexible with my hours. It also might be possible to watch on our iPad if I can work out how to watch TV on it.
Flrswats wrote:
Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:56 am
It also sounds like she is going to monitor how many games you watch which is understandable because of how many games there will be in the World Cup.
Indeed, my HoH is.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

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sweetie
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by sweetie » Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:26 pm

Thanks, Lauren.
Lauren wrote:
Sun Jun 03, 2018 9:26 am
You mentioned elsewhere that you are able to record shows on your television. Why don't you record the games you want to watch and watch them when its convenient?
That's a good suggestion and something I've discussed with my HoH. It would rely on two things though. Firstly, not knowing the result before watching and secondly, finding a suitable time to watch without it being late at night into the early morning which would necessitate me missing sleep and becoming irritable and short-tempered. That would not go down well with my HoH.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Dionysyus
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Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by Dionysyus » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:33 am

Hi Sweetie,

You are not in a DD relationship. You are in a D/s relationship. In a DD relationship, the HoH makes sure the needs of everyone in the family are met. In a D/s relationship, the Master or Mistress is making sure their own needs are met, and the needs of the slave are not considered. You are a slave, not a submissive, and you wife is a Dominatrix, not a HoH.

You are clearly co-dependent, and she seems clearly narcissistic. I have been in a very similar situation to you. I have been a co-dependent serving a narcissist too. It can have its upsides, if you are serving the right person, but you will never get your needs met, and therefore you will eventually end the relationship.

As a child, you didn’t gain acceptance from your father. You have toddler issues. You are not assertive because your father did not teach you that your needs are important. You asked him to let you help, but he wouldn’t let you. You desperately wanted to help, so that you could prove you were useful and therefore worthy of love, but you never got the chance. You are still on this mission of trying to prove you are lovable because you are useful.

Your parents didn’t ask you “what are you feeling and why are you feeling it?”, so you learned to repress your emotions. You are not assertive about your needs. You likely don’t even know what they are. On the flip side, though, you are likely hypersensitive to the needs of others around you. People ask you for help and you are ready to do so before they finish their sentence I bet. You probably know what they are going to say before they say it. Your center of self is outside of you.

Your wife, I’m going to guess, has infancy issues. Her center of self is deep within herself. She is keenly aware of her wants. I’m not so sure she is aware of her needs. When she was in her crib looking up, longing to see her mother’s eyes, they weren’t there, so she’s walking through life trying to recreate that feeling. She has low self esteem too, but she’s dealing with it the opposite way you are. She is overcompensating.

You are drawn to her like a moth to a flame. You need someone to supply you with excitement and inspiration because you operate like a robot. You used to read books and play on the computer all of the time so you could avoid your emotions. You wanted to be in your head, where it was safe. On top of that, she’s beautiful. She’s a model, and that makes your dazzling attraction to her ever more powerful. Because of your low self esteem you are determined to prove to the world that you can make it work with this amazing creature you have come across. The power she holds over you is extreme.

You are used to putting your own needs aside for others. Your family taught you that your needs are not important. Plus, as a man, you have taught by society that you are expendable. You’re willing to be cannon fodder for the army to save the nation if that’s what duty requires. You figure you can endure anything, or at least maybe, or probably, ya you can do it.

If you had an HoH, then that HoH would have to initally focus on making sure you could identify your needs and realize they are important. You need to know that you matter. You are probably being taken advantage of by all sorts of narcissists, both at work and within your family. You wife is probably keenly aware of everyone else that is sucking their narcissistic supplies from you, because she wants it for herself, and she’s like them, so she sees them immediately for who they are. She’s probably telling you about them. “This person is using you, you know, that one too.”

She’s clearly not interested in making sure both of your needs are met in the relationship. If you are earning most of the money, then she should be doing most of the housework. It sounds to me like the initial situation was balanced, where you cleaned the dishes and helped out where you could. Maybe you could have done more, but at this point you are doing everything, but you can’t see it. Let’s list off your chores:

- Washing all the dishes
- Mowing the lawn
- Washing the cars
- Cooking breakfast
- Cooking lunch
- Vacuuming the house
- Hanging the laundry
- Cleaning the litter box
- Buying the groceries
- Serving beverages

I think you’ve got it all covered. Maybe she cooks dinner? Does she do it every day? Is she cleaning the toilets? I suspect not. Clearly, she has tilted the situation to where she is being slothful and you are doing more than your share. You will suck this up for a long time, but it’s going to go into your resentment bank.

Yes, you can suck up a lot of abuse, and you can bury those emotions deep, but eventually they will overwhelm you and since you don’t often let them out, when they do come out, it will be a scary explosion that you won’t be able to control.

You earn more than your wife; therefore, she should be doing most of the housework. If she wants to be a real HoH, then she must recognize division of labor. You earn more, so she needs to organize things so that she is supporting you in that role as chief breadwinner. If she was having issues keeping up before, perhaps she should not be working so much, or put some of her earnings towards hiring a cleaner.

As a man, you have a need for domestic support and it seems like you are getting zero on that front. As a woman, that’s not one of her needs. It’s obviously a want or a desire of hers (to get out of her duties), but not getting it is not going to cause her to leave the relationship. What she needs is affection and intimate communications, but you are emotionally shut down and therefore probably not good at supplying that. She likely feels emotionally starved.

You have a need for sexual satisfaction, but if you keep on the path you are on she is going to shut down sexually towards you 100%. Likely that has already happened. Maybe you get to please her as she watches tv, but that’s just meets her needs, not yours. Your desperation for physical intimacy makes you see those connections as more than they are.

You need to be respected and admired, but clearly, she is feminizing you and ensuring that you see yourself as beneath her. You know this is wrong. Your initial reaction to these things is always negative, but you can’t assert yourself and eventually you convince yourself that what is happening is for the best.

She has a need for financial support, but she’s sabotaging that, not helping it, by getting you to focus on housework when she should be pushing you to put in overtime and get ahead in your job.

With her being a new HoH, if that’s what she really wants to be, I suggest she focus entirely on helping you identify and meet your own needs and to completely forget about her needs until she has you functioning. The HoH needs to lead by example.

I suspect however, she’d rather be a sadistic dominatrix. This seems more her calling. The problem is though that you don’t seem to be a masochistic submissive. You are co-dependent, that’s different. Co-dependency is a toddler issue. Submissive masochism in men tends to be more related to what you were exposed to in your early teenage years, after your personality has formed. She’s pushing you to be something you are are not, and you don’t know how to stop it, so you convince yourself it’s ok, kind of like how an abused child still loves their parents.

Now about the world cup. Obviously, this is extremely important to you. Your mother is gone, and this is the main connection to your father. It’s probably also very important to maintaining a lot of friendships and networking with co-workers. You clearly have not expressed any desire to her to have her help you reduce the amount of time you spend watching football. Since she is new at this, as an HoH, she should focus only on helping you achieve goals you identify yourself. It seems like over the top narcissism for her to try to take a once per 4-year experience from you so that she can watch some meaningless TV or go to gatherings that have nothing to do with the world cup. She doesn’t need to be part of it, but she should ensure that you maximize your time with your father during this period.

Perhaps she could help by making sure you don’t go down to the bar to watch with a bunch of losers who are going to try to take advantage of you (since you are a people pleaser) and get you to buy drinks for them all, but she has to support your relationship with your father. Even if he is actually the root cause of all of this, it’s still important to maintain a relationship with him. Eventually you will hopefully wake up and heal your relationship with him.

Read the blogs here, and you will see that when the HoH is male, he tends to be focussed on making sure his submissive is functioning at the highest level possible. Sure, we take our pleasures at times, but that’s making sure we get our needs met after we’ve ensured our partners needs are met.

Also, as HoH, why can’t she see simple solutions like buying a second TV? Maybe she could earn some money from these modeling gigs to buy one? Maybe she could do the dishes for a week, so you could put in overtime to get one? Why must there be only one tv and one remote? Since you both like TV, that seems like a bad plan.

Obviously, sports have to be watched live, or they are no good. TV shows can be taped and watched later. I suggest a simple solution, if there must be only one tv, would be for you to control the TV completely while the world cup is on, and then she can completely control the remote for the month following.

You should not feel guilty about your need to watch this, and you should not have to do any extra chores to earn the right to have your needs met. I totally disagree with Nate on this one.

Your HoH needs to earn the right to be HoH and she’s not doing it. She needs to start reading books at a frantic pace. The thing with a narcissist is that they can’t understand the needs of others, and therefore they are entirely unsuited to being HoH’s. She seems to think that she’s helping you with your need to please her, but that’s her need, not yours.

Also, her pushing you into harsher and harsher punishments doesn’t seem to be your thing. If I wasn’t with lovely, she’d be out seeking out sadists to play with (she’s a masochist, you aren’t). Some of them would be safe, others not so much, but that’s the boat she would be in. If your wife vanished, would you seek out a sadistic dominatrix to replace her? Would you go looking for an enema? Most submissive men rarely have the chance of a relationship with someone like your wife, so they end up paying around $500 per session to get their needs met. Are you going to be doing that if your relationship breaks down? I think not.

Now you need to understand how a dominatrix works. They do not have sex with their slaves, because for a woman, sex is a submissive act. Also, no woman will be able to maintain physical attraction to a man that will not stand up to her. Every dominatrix ends up in this dilemma; she wants a strong man to protect her, but she also wants weak men around she can dominate. The result is that they all end up polyamorous. They have a manly man who is their mate, and then a stable of submissive men to meet their need to dominate others. Sometimes they dominate women too, or sometimes only women. I just asked lovely if she could think of any dominatrix we know who is not poly, and between us we probably know 30 – 40 of them, but we can’t think of one that is monogamous with a submissive. Some of my best friends are dominatrixes, so I’m very familiar with the dynamic.

So, you need to realize you can’t have both positions. You can’t be her mate and her slave. She needs to realize this too. She has a need to have a strong man as a mate, but she is sissifying you, and that is counter to meeting that need.

A woman generally wants a primary relationship with a man who can handle other men, and if you can’t handle your wife you are useless at protecting her from others. This is why a lot of women get turned on by being punished. They can feel your power and it makes them feel protected.

She’d be better off trying to build you up than tear you down, and then going off into the kink scene to learn some skills and creating a stable of submissives. That idea might scare you now, but think about it, she’s not going to be having sex with them, and she’s no longer going to be learning on your body. You’ve put up with so much already, you’ll endure this too. She can probably get guys to come over and clean the house and do the yard work, freeing you up to watch football and concentrate on your career, or better, freeing you up so you can do a lot of reading and therapy so you can overcome your childhood damage.

What I suggest is for you two to stop your DD experiment immediately. Your wife is asking your consent along the way, but she seems oblivious to the fact that as a co-dependent, you can’t consent. You don’t know what you want, and you are so agreeable you will go along with anything. You can’t tell her the truth, because you don’t know what it is. Maybe she realizes this or maybe she doesn’t. I suspect that on some level she knows but doesn’t care.

She clearly does not respect your time. She’s constantly wasting it with lines and corner time, when she should be pushing you to work out and put longer hours into your job. She should be pushing you to go into counselling to deal with your lack of assertiveness. It’s got to be affecting your career and family relationships. You have a lot of work to do to fix yourself. You don’t have time to sit in the corner.

That sort of punishment too just does not make sense to me. The point of physical punishment is to train the amygdala that when a certain situation appears, to instantly send a signal telling your motor nerves to stop. It should send blood rushing to your legs to create a sense of fear. Lines and corner time are not going to register on the amygdala. She’s be better off slapping you across the face. That’s instant, time efficient, and will definitely cause you to hesitate when you encounter the situation in the future. She’s a woman, you are a man, she’s not going to damage you if she practices a bit and you hold still.

Again though, she’s going places where she has no training. She’s doing impact play and enemas and not going to local workshops to learn from people who teach this sort of thing. She should get on fetlife, figure out what’s going around her, and start attending classes. Yes, people teach this stuff, and if she wants to do what she’s doing, she needs to get training and learn about safety, limits, and consent. It’s for her own protection. Remember you can call the cops on her at anytime.

Yes, it will be hard for you to break free. She’s going to continue to control you with guilt and obligation. You both have boundary issues. Look that up, boundaries, and learn what they are. You both don’t have any. You think that you are responsible for her issues, and she agrees with you. She’s going to make you feel obligated to her for making you such a great person and she’s going to make you feel guilty for constantly failing her and sabotaging her success. When you try to confront her in an argument she’s going to emotionally demolish you time and time again. To stand up to her you need a lot of therapy and you need to do a lot of reading and rehearsing. This is a time to draw the line in the sand though, with the world cup, because it means so much to you, you might actually stand up to her.

Ideally though she will read this and realize that what she is doing is immoral, and that actually there is an army of submissive men out there better suited to her. These men have a need to be degraded and they will worship her and pay her to degrade them. She’s beautiful and most dominatrixes are not, so she will have her pick. Yes, a lot of submissive men aren’t worth picking, but she’ll find a few that are worthy.

And yes, I’ve been in your shoes, but you are in somewhat of a more difficult situation because your partner is not trying to get you to fix yourself. If she was, then she’d also be giving you the tools to escape. Mine didn’t realize that’s where things were leading. “I saw you wake up, and then you sailed away…” Yes, I did.

To give her a glimpse into the future, what lies down the path you two are on is this, for a long while you will continue down this path of ignoring your needs and focussing on hers. Your friends and family will start sensing something is wrong and taking you aside now and then and telling you that you need to get out. You will get mad and them and tell them they are wrong kick some of them out of your life, with your wife’s approval of course. She wants her enemies gone too.

Eventually you will break down though. Maybe you will go to therapy and fix yourself. More likely you end up having an affair. As the years go by your wife’s looks will fade, while your income goes up and up. You will start to get more outspoken and confident and grow out of some of your issues. Your market value in the dating world will be rising rapidly, while hers fades along with her looks. Then some girl at work likely 10 years younger than you, full of youthful beauty, innocence, and fertility will take a liking to you. She will sense you are not getting your needs met and she will start working on winning your favor by telling you how great you are. Her admiration for your accomplishments and respect for your character will win you over and you’ll end up having an affair. By this time you will be a master liar, having spent all of those years telling your wife you were happy when you weren’t. You travel for business, so it won’t be any problem to cover up. Before long though you will get torn up inside. On one side will be the beauty of finally getting your needs met and you will realize this is necessary, but on the other side will be your guilt and obligation holding you to your wife. The girl you are dating will eventually start telling you it’s time to leave your wife, but you won’t be able to break free from her control. You wife will then detect the affair, and then she will claim victimhood and double down on the guilt she controls you with. The whole thing will have been her fault because she’s the one that refused to recognize your needs. She’s the one that committed herself to meeting them when she married you, but she won’t be able to see it. It’s going to be an irreconcilable position. You will start going to therapy at this point if you haven’t sooner, and therapy will snap you out of it. You’ll go on to start a new happy life with the young girl, and your wife will go off to live in a small apartment supported by your alimony.

You have a lot of reading to do. Fixing yourself is going to take years. You have an obligation to society to do this. It is your duty not to inflict your childhood damage on others. Your country is under siege. The barbarians are at the gates. Tommy Robinson has been thrown in jail. The people are rising up and marching in the streets. Where are you? You’re doing dishes and hanging laundry. It’s time to man up.

PS, if you two did that so-called maintenance scene in a public dungeon, the dungeon monitors would have stepped in and stopped it.

Here is your reading list:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No ... dy+beattie

https://www.amazon.co.uk/His-Needs-Her- ... +her+needs

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Scien ... attachment

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-Whe ... +katherine

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Inte ... telligence

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Human-Magnet-S ... t+syndrome

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Born-Love-Empa ... n+for+love

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disarming-Narc ... narcissist

Also, do whatever you can to get a hold of the PBS video series called “Home Coming” by John Bradshaw. Sometimes it gets posted on youtube but it always gets taken town for copywrite. You can likely find it elsewhere. That series contains the key to healing. Watch the series twice, then do what they do at the end of each episode, access your sorrow and anger, through it heal the pain, and then forgive those who crossed you. They were only doing what your family system said to do.

Lavendar
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 08, 2018 7:28 pm

Re: My HoH's TV dilemma

Post by Lavendar » Mon Jun 04, 2018 1:31 pm

sweetie wrote:
Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:12 pm
You know I hadn't thought of that but you're right. I've been through the first year and thought I'd done all the first-one-since-mum-died things but yes things on a more than one year cycle, the first ones are still coming up. Generally, I don't think I have grieved properly and am currently having some issues.
Grief is like a grizzly bear. It never behaves the way it's supposed to. It ends up popping up at the oddest moments, when you least expect it. I've always hated that "stages of grief" theory. You can't wrap grief up in a nice little box and make it follow the stages in order. More often, it cycles back and forth. If you really are having too tough of a time, perhaps there is a support group you can join. I've seen those work for many loved ones. And know that someone across the ocean is praying for you.the

Blessings,
Lavendar
Lavendar :)

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