Discipline OR Divorce!!!

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sweetie
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Location: United Kingdom

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by sweetie » Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:40 pm

SpankedWife wrote:
Sun Nov 24, 2019 5:51 pm
...
Two months ago, my grandparents died. Well my grandfather died two months ago at the age of 94 but my grandmother passed away 3 months before him, at the age of 90. I was very close with them. They were my dad’s parents and my dad was their only child but has been deceased for nearly 20 years. They left me everything. I miss them so much it hurts. :( It was around the time of my grandfather’s death that I started to act out. My husband totally acknowledges my grief and is very gentle with me about it, but he says it’s still no excuse for rebellion and disobedience and that I will still be disciplined if I continue to test his authority. I know he’s right and he’s trying to be reasonable with me. Maybe I’m just using my grandparents death as an excuse to do what I want. I’m trying to figure out what is really going on with me.
Welcome SpankedWife,

We’ve been away for the weekend and am only just catching up. I’m sorry for your loss and send my condolences. 94 and 90 are good ages, although I guess that’s no consolation when they pass and you miss them so much.

Have you considered grief counselling? My mother passed four years ago in December and I was really struggling with it and hadn’t grieved properly. After about two and a half years it got too much and my Doctor referred me for counselling. I was sceptical, wasn’t sure how talking about it could help, but it really did help a lot and I’m so much better now. I still miss Mum all the time but at least I’m getting on with my life again now and not feeling guilty for having fun and enjoying myself.

Best wishes.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Jx1023
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Mar 20, 2019 11:40 am
Location: NEPA

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Jx1023 » Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:48 pm

Hello and welcome 😊

I agree with Sweetie, grief counseling can do wonders for you and maybe something that you might want to consider. I can also see how grief and depression can make you “act out”. My mother passed away last September and many times this past year I got depressed thinking about it and decided I don’t care much about following rules... I was so depressed I think I acted out to be disciplined just to feel something.. anything. Even pain. Could it be you may be acting on your grief? Depression can really make you act out of character. I hope things get better for you and your husband and you’re able to stick with DD. It has improved our marriage greatly. If you’d ever like to talk please feel free to message. 😊

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NateG
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Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by NateG » Sun Nov 24, 2019 9:54 pm

SpankedWife,

I agree with a lot of what's been said. You probably have been suffering a type of depression due to grief and acting out in whatever way you can. Talk to your husband and tell him that you think this is the reason for your rebellion and ask for some understanding.

It really isn't an excuse to behave badly however, so he may not let up very much.

Yes, it doesn't sound like you want a divorce, and I don't think that really even needs to be considered.
You did agree to live like this before marriage and it has worked great so far. There are bound to be bumps and you could be at a stage where you are feeling more independent and rebelling some towards the strict rules and expectations.

But you say that you are the one who has changed, not him. So, talk to him, seek someone to talk to. Stick with your husband. He may be strict, but it sounds like he really loves you and wants to protect you. Some people never find that.

Nate

Rand E
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Location: Los Angeles

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Rand E » Tue Nov 26, 2019 11:15 am

It does sound perhaps like you are experiencing problems with your DD arrangement due to recent deaths in the family. If you need your DD arrangement paused or toned down while you work that out, I would talk to your husband and ask him, as a sign of love and respect, to accommodate you. It sounds like you had a heated argument and made ill-advised ultimatums to one another, which will usually accomplish nothing except hurt feelings. You say he is calm and rational. Arrange a time and place where you can have the conversation with him in a quiet and friendly atmosphere. Stay calm. Don't be defensive. Don't be threatening. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him what you need. We guys sometimes lack sufficient emotional intelligence to deal properly with these situations. You may have to be the one to guide him though this.

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DesertRose
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Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by DesertRose » Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:47 pm

Welcome to the forum!
It is great that you at least know the reason/wisdom behind his rules... he is not controlling you, but protecting, which is a great sign of love.

I look forward to learn what comes out of your discussion. All the best to both of you.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

SpankedWife
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Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2019 7:20 am

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SpankedWife » Wed Nov 27, 2019 4:31 am

Thanks so much you guys. I can see that you’re a very caring group who doesn’t just tell people what they wanna hear but what they need to hear. I appreciate this. Thanks for taking the time and effort for me. Cyber hugs. :D

First of all, in regards to my grandparents’ death, I attend a grief group. Although it’s only twice a month, it does help. I may look into getting a grief counsellor, so I might have more intimate, one-on-one type sessions. At this point, I do believe I am grief stricken. I cry every single night and every morning. I long to be able to talk to them and see them again. It’s all been very difficult and I’m definitely struggling with my emotions and possibly even some depression. You guys are all so right.

Ok so I had a discussion with my husband. First of all, he apologized to me about the discipline or divorce ultimatum and said he wasn’t really serious. He told me he wouldn’t let me go in a million years but that he just wanted to wake me up and get me to appreciate what we have.

I asked if he could let up on the rules a bit and give me more freedom but he pretty much said no to this. He said he will consider letting me stay out later on special occasions with friends but that my usual curfew still stands. See he’s a criminal lawyer and he used to be a cop so he has seen a lot of stuff. A lot of bad stuff. Some stuff he won’t even tell me about. Plus he’s 14 years older than me, so he’s very overprotective and just wants me to be safe. I know it too.

He told me when I came home late the other night and ignored his texts and calls, that it wasn’t even so much the disobedience that upset him the most. He said he was worried sick that something bad had happened to me. I felt terrible guilt when he told me this. I hadn’t even considered that he was worried. I just thought he was trying to ruin my good time and didn’t want me to have fun. It made me sorry for doing that to him and made me want to try harder next time. He told me that even though I got badly spanked that night, he was super relieved when I walked through the door, just knowing I was safe.

As for wearing what I want, not gonna happen. No ifs, ands or buts. I can understand where he’s coming from though. He does let me dress however I want around the house with just him and I. Going out, especially without him, is a whole different matter, in terms of what I can and cannot wear.

He told me that while he 100% sympathizes with me about my grief for my grandparents and is willing to get me whatever help I need, he is not going to relax on the rules just because I’m hurting right now. In a way, as much as I hate to admit it, I love how reliable and steadfast he is. He never wavers.

He really doesn’t ask much of me. I barely even have to do any chores because we have a maid and groundskeeper. I love to cook and so I take care of our meals but apart from that, I get to pretty much do whatever I want with my days and spare time, within the boundaries of the rules of course.

I think above all else, I’m learning a lesson about appreciation and gratitude. Even though my husband is very strict, I have never felt more loved and cherished by anyone. The way he looks at me sometimes too, I can see the deep love in his eyes.

I think I just need to deal with my grief and things will go back to the way they always were for many years. I want to work on getting things back to good. I never much minded the strict rules before and I was very obedient and rarely defiant. My husband said he knew I was acting out but that he also knew he needed to be firm with me so that things didn’t completely fall apart. He’s right. Deep down, I know he’s right. If he let me away with everything, I likely would have become completely out of control. The spankings, as much as I hate them, woke me up and made me face my bad behaviour.

I’m still grounded for a little while longer but it’s really not so bad. At least this grounding isn’t, anyway. Others have been far worse. I’m still allowed to watch TV, use the phone and my iPad. I just can’t go out. I know I deserve it. I should never have done what I did. I see it all clearly now and you guys have been a great help in that too.

My attitude has changed a bit after talking with my husband. Quite a bit actually. I love him so much and tell him so, every day. Several times a day. I need to start showing him again, like I always did, not just lip service. I need to start obeying him again and doing what little he asks of me. I think I’ve been pretty selfish and blinded, due to my grief. I want to turn over a new leaf, instead of over a knee. Ha! :lol: My husband’s face lit up like a Christmas tree when I revealed all this to him. Last night he came home with my favorite Cantonese food and a dozen red roses. It was quite shocking and unexpected, especially since I’m grounded right now. He is the biggest sweetheart oftentimes with me and he loves to make me happy. I’ve been horrible the past couple months and I need to make it up to him. :oops:

I can’t tell you all, how good it feels to be able to vent like this. I can’t even talk to some of my closest friends like this. I guess it’s the safety of anonymity that makes it so easy but I sure feel grateful to have a place to talk about this stuff with people who get it. People who understand.

So thank you all, for your comments, advice, suggestions, thoughtful words of wisdom and for caring about my situation and trying to help me. I’ll keep you guys posted about how things go over the next little while. I’m really gonna try harder and work through my grief.

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Miras
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Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Miras » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:19 am

Glad to hear things are better... Good luck with progress and I hope we´ll see you around more!
Occasionally friendly Spencerist guy
Faktor IV of MdI - Maghan
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Putting DD back into BuDDhism

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Beauty
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Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Beauty » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:35 am

Thanks for the update. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. Your husband sounds like a great leader and I’m happy y’all got to the root of it. Hang in there and keep taking baby steps day by day. ❤️
Happy to be taken in hand by my Beast

SweetPea611
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Location: Northern CA

Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by SweetPea611 » Wed Nov 27, 2019 11:15 am

What a great update ❤️

Joshua89
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Re: Discipline OR Divorce!!!

Post by Joshua89 » Thu Nov 28, 2019 9:07 am

So glad to hear everything is working out. Finally realizing their reasoning is love is important and will hopefully help you trust him more and just go with the flow. Take care, happy thanksgiving! We all have a lot to be thankful for :)
Submissive ❤ Loving Husband + LovingAndStrict06

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