Thanks so much you guys. I can see that you’re a very caring group who doesn’t just tell people what they wanna hear but what they need to hear. I appreciate this. Thanks for taking the time and effort for me. Cyber hugs.
First of all, in regards to my grandparents’ death, I attend a grief group. Although it’s only twice a month, it does help. I may look into getting a grief counsellor, so I might have more intimate, one-on-one type sessions. At this point, I do believe I am grief stricken. I cry every single night and every morning. I long to be able to talk to them and see them again. It’s all been very difficult and I’m definitely struggling with my emotions and possibly even some depression. You guys are all so right.
Ok so I had a discussion with my husband. First of all, he apologized to me about the discipline or divorce ultimatum and said he wasn’t really serious. He told me he wouldn’t let me go in a million years but that he just wanted to wake me up and get me to appreciate what we have.
I asked if he could let up on the rules a bit and give me more freedom but he pretty much said no to this. He said he will consider letting me stay out later on special occasions with friends but that my usual curfew still stands. See he’s a criminal lawyer and he used to be a cop so he has seen a lot of stuff. A lot of bad stuff. Some stuff he won’t even tell me about. Plus he’s 14 years older than me, so he’s very overprotective and just wants me to be safe. I know it too.
He told me when I came home late the other night and ignored his texts and calls, that it wasn’t even so much the disobedience that upset him the most. He said he was worried sick that something bad had happened to me. I felt terrible guilt when he told me this. I hadn’t even considered that he was worried. I just thought he was trying to ruin my good time and didn’t want me to have fun. It made me sorry for doing that to him and made me want to try harder next time. He told me that even though I got badly spanked that night, he was super relieved when I walked through the door, just knowing I was safe.
As for wearing what I want, not gonna happen. No ifs, ands or buts. I can understand where he’s coming from though. He does let me dress however I want around the house with just him and I. Going out, especially without him, is a whole different matter, in terms of what I can and cannot wear.
He told me that while he 100% sympathizes with me about my grief for my grandparents and is willing to get me whatever help I need, he is not going to relax on the rules just because I’m hurting right now. In a way, as much as I hate to admit it, I love how reliable and steadfast he is. He never wavers.
He really doesn’t ask much of me. I barely even have to do any chores because we have a maid and groundskeeper. I love to cook and so I take care of our meals but apart from that, I get to pretty much do whatever I want with my days and spare time, within the boundaries of the rules of course.
I think above all else, I’m learning a lesson about appreciation and gratitude. Even though my husband is very strict, I have never felt more loved and cherished by anyone. The way he looks at me sometimes too, I can see the deep love in his eyes.
I think I just need to deal with my grief and things will go back to the way they always were for many years. I want to work on getting things back to good. I never much minded the strict rules before and I was very obedient and rarely defiant. My husband said he knew I was acting out but that he also knew he needed to be firm with me so that things didn’t completely fall apart. He’s right. Deep down, I know he’s right. If he let me away with everything, I likely would have become completely out of control. The spankings, as much as I hate them, woke me up and made me face my bad behaviour.
I’m still grounded for a little while longer but it’s really not so bad. At least this grounding isn’t, anyway. Others have been far worse. I’m still allowed to watch TV, use the phone and my iPad. I just can’t go out. I know I deserve it. I should never have done what I did. I see it all clearly now and you guys have been a great help in that too.
My attitude has changed a bit after talking with my husband. Quite a bit actually. I love him so much and tell him so, every day. Several times a day. I need to start showing him again, like I always did, not just lip service. I need to start obeying him again and doing what little he asks of me. I think I’ve been pretty selfish and blinded, due to my grief. I want to turn over a new leaf, instead of over a knee. Ha!
My husband’s face lit up like a Christmas tree when I revealed all this to him. Last night he came home with my favorite Cantonese food and a dozen red roses. It was quite shocking and unexpected, especially since I’m grounded right now. He is the biggest sweetheart oftentimes with me and he loves to make me happy. I’ve been horrible the past couple months and I need to make it up to him.
I can’t tell you all, how good it feels to be able to vent like this. I can’t even talk to some of my closest friends like this. I guess it’s the safety of anonymity that makes it so easy but I sure feel grateful to have a place to talk about this stuff with people who get it. People who understand.
So thank you all, for your comments, advice, suggestions, thoughtful words of wisdom and for caring about my situation and trying to help me. I’ll keep you guys posted about how things go over the next little while. I’m really gonna try harder and work through my grief.