Should we even try to still practice DD?

Lauren
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Location: Wisconsin

Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:06 pm

Disclaimer: I asked Brandon if it was okay if I posted on here about this. Also, I can only tell my prospective and how I feel. So please do not feel like I am trying to bash my husband. I'm not. Please hang in there with me til the end. The first part is going to seem like I am only blaming him. I will get to me and my faults as well. We are at a loss and don't know what to do anymore. We would like some help or advice.


Brandon and I had a pretty serious conversation last night where I basically said I don't know why we are still together and said we should think about separating. I explained that I feel like he lives with us but he isn't really here. If we separate not a single thing would change except us not sleeping under the same roof. If one of us moved out and got his or her own place he would still be seeing his children whenever he wanted. Him and I would still be our civil selves to each other for the sake of the kids and the life we are living would be no different.

I say these things because right now and for awhile now I feel like we are not connected at all and we are not a family. I feel like he picks and chooses when he wants to be a husband and father. Or when it's convenient for him. Like it's a hat he can just take on and off. I don't think he realizes or maybe just doesn't care that being a husband and father is a full time thing. It's not something you can just say "I don't feel like doing this today." I mean you can but in my opinion that kind of makes you a crappy person. You shouldn't marry or have kids if that's the attitude you're going to have.

These are the reasons I feel the way I do:

I ask for help with the kids all the time. The response I get is huffed at, a sigh or just ignored. He acts like it is a burden to help out with his kids. It's everyday things. "Hey, can you lay down with the 3 year old while I try getting the baby to sleep?" "Can you please clean the baby up while I load the dishwasher?" "Can you watch the girls while I go outside and clean my van?" "Can you look up how long it takes to get from point A to point B?" "Can you please put lotion on my feet. They are really dry." (I have a phobia of feet. Even my own. Don't tell me you laughed at me please!) Things spouses/parents do to help out one another.

He doesn't act like a parent. His child could be crying right in front of him or talking to him and he will get up, walk right past them and go outside to have a cigarette.

He isn't present when he is with us. He is always hiding in the bathroom on his phone. Or outside smoking, usually on his phone at the same time. He will say he is going to bed just so he can get away from us and lay there on Facebook watching videos for 30+ minutes before actually going to bed. He has a serious phone issue. It's more important than being present with us.

I feel like he feels like he is more important then me. He says he is always tired. His job is stressful. He just wants to relax. Guess what.. I'm tired too. I go to bed after him. I am the one who wakes up with our kids at night. Sometimes staying up for hours on end with them lately. My day is stressful. No I don't work outside the home but that doesn't mean that I sit around and do nothing all day. I barely ever have a chance to sit down. There is so much to do around here ALL the time. Most days the only time I sit down is when I am nursing Lydia. I guess I just feel really unappreciated. He gets to clock out of his job when mine never ends. Like ever. I'm exhausted. And he acts like because he worked "a job" he doesn't have to help me with the kids.

Lastly, he comes and goes as he pleases without regard for anyone else. Examples: Saturday was our middle daughter's birthday and trick or treating. His priority was to go hunting all day and night. He missed trick or treating with his kids and I. Add on the fact that is was our 7 month old's first Holloween. Missed it. On the weekends he is going to his dad's shop to hang out, over helping everyone else in the world, hunting and who knows what else. We barely see him.

I communicate with him about all of these things all the time . Seriously, ALL the time. It feels like I am nagging all the time. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. I don't enjoy being that person. I just want my husband and our old relationship back. But I don't know how to or if he even wants the same thing. He says he does but I don't know if I believe him.

Now on to me.. I am not as appreciative of him as I should be. He DOES work very hard to provide for our family. And it's not a bad trait to help others, like family and friends. I just get bitter because I feel like he helps everyone else with a willing heart and refuses to help me. Most of the time I am disrespectful to him. I yell a lot. I am always telling him that he is doing whatever wrong. I don't love him the way he needs me to. I am sure there is more. I am hoping that Brandon will chime in and tell his side of the story so that you can get the full picture and give the best advice. We need the help!

I understand we are on the crazy cycle. He does what he does because he doesn't feel respected or loved by me. I do what I do because I do not feel loved or respected by him. How do we get off the cycle of destruction?? I have tried to change my negative behavior so that he will also change his. I stop because I feel like he doesn't do the same. And it's discouraging. So around and around we go again. This time to my breaking point. I DO NOT want to divorce my husband. Some days I love my husband. (I know that sounds awful to say.) I want to work this out. I just don't know how to.

So here's where my question comes in. Should we even consider to try to incorporate DD into our lives? Do any of you think it would help? I think this is the most ridiculous question to be asking. We have been together for almost 5 years now. We have tried I don't know how many times in those 5 years to be serious about this lifestyle. I know for a fact this is what I want. Last night he said he feels like we both do better when we are living the lifestyle. But I don't know if he was just saying that because he knows I want this so bad.

If you have hung on with me this long, I am really really sorry this is so long and I appreciate you reading it. I'm laying my heart on the line here.

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Phil04
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Location: Texas

Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Phil04 » Fri Nov 01, 2019 7:10 pm

The DD lifestyle has to be founded on complete trust. It does not sound like you trust him to lead your family and have the family's best interest in mind with every decision he makes. Would you be OK with living the DD lifestyle, and being pushed to respect him, if nothing changed on his part?

To answer your other question, the way you break the crazy circle is to love and respect your husband the way he needs, not so that he will reciprocate, but because it is the best thing for your marriage. If his behavior never changes, you just keep loving him. It may sound terrible, but if you cannot do that, I don't think you will be able to successfully pull off DD.

Phil
Last edited by Phil04 on Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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sweetie
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by sweetie » Fri Nov 01, 2019 7:17 pm

Thank you for sharing, Lauren. I’m so sorry you are both feeling this way and not connecting as you’d like. I wish I had some wise words of wisdom for you but unfortunately I don’t.

It sounds like you need to reconnect with each other again. Do more things together, rather than separately. Date nights, perhaps, just the two of you.

I’m sorry I can’t suggest more. I hope you both are able to work it out.

Best wishes and 🍀 good luck!
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Lauren
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Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:45 pm
Location: Wisconsin

Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Sun Nov 03, 2019 7:13 pm

Thank you Phil and Sweetie for replying. It's nice that someone cared enough to respond.

Brandon and I talked again Friday night. We are both going to try harder on things. He is going to try to help more and not have a bad attitude about it. And I am going to try talking to him more respectfully (Not so judgmental.) And I am going to work on holding his hand more, saying I love you and not taking his hand off of me when he puts it on my back. (I hate being touched.)

We will see where it goes. Hopefully, we both keep trying and don't give up after a day.

We are going to talk again tonight.

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MyLove
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by MyLove » Sun Nov 03, 2019 9:29 pm

Lauren,
Please don't think I don't care. I just wanted to think through my response, and write thoughtfully. Finding time to do that is tricky. I've already been interrupted twice, having only written that much! 🤦

You are at a verrry hectic life stage right now, where tempers flare easily, and emotions run high. Your descriptions of Brandon's actions remind me so much of Phil's when my son was tiny, my daughter was a difficult 4 year old, and Phil was working 60 hour a week trying to do a job that should have been allocated to at least three people, while being berated by his boss daily. None of us got much sleep, which just compounded the stress. Phil's response to all this was just to shut down. He was present in body, but mentally and emotionally gone. We were lucky, although it didn't feel that way when it happened, when Phil resigned from his job, and was unemployed for nearly a year. I got my husband back. Phil also likes to volunteer, and I have accused him of helping others, but being unwilling to help his family. I think in his case, he was just not as confident caring for babies, we disagreed on some aspects of their care (cry it out vs soothe them to sleep) and I was pretty critical of how he did housework, so he'd rather volunteer somewhere that he had responsibilities he was confident of doing well, and could clock in and check out. That is conjecture on my part, though.

All that is to say, I don't know exactly Brandon's stress level at work, or his confidence when it comes to helping at home, or how he is handling living at his in-laws' house, but what you described sounds like he is shutting down from stress. I don't smoke, but I understand it is very calming, and vegging on a cell phone can be a way to numb everything, which yes, can be addictive. It doesn't make his actions right, but maybe it makes them more understandable? That sometimes helps me when I need to overlook another's sin, and move forward emotionally. Forgiving someone doesn't mean what they did wasn't hurtful, it just means you can choose to let it go.

As to whether you choose to continue to practice DD, if he's willing to try, to please you, I think you should, even if he's not as into it as you are. He's still trying to be good to you, and it may break the cycle of disrespect you are stuck in right now. I think it's worth a try.

-ML 💕
Led in love by Phil04, and learning to submit by the Grace of God. Naturally submissive, but not perfectly so, I am praying for a pure heart and virtuous character. 💕

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Beauty
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Beauty » Mon Nov 04, 2019 7:02 am

Lauren,
I, like ML was waiting to reply and thinking about a helpful response. I also went through a similar phase when the girls were both in diapers. I felt very alone, un helped, and like Beast was married to his job. I swear he also spent more time in the bathroom than with us! I think ML’s description on how she and Phil felt during that time is very close to how Beast and I also felt. Beast dove more into work and spent little time at home. He did advance very fast but I still have times when I remember how badly that hurt. I was very rude to him, unloving, and we almost never touched. This response only made it so much worse. It caused him to shut down and never really be here physically or emotionally.

Fast forward to now, we are out of that hard time and practice DD. Life is so so so much better. Even when we hit the low times, it’s still a healthy happy marriage. I would say don’t give up on DD just yet, give more trust, and remember the times he really came through. Trust is huge and it took a lot of faith to give beast that full trust. Did I get hurt, a few times but we both grew. When I do show doubt in his leadership or when I am disrespectful to him, it causes his confidence to go down. When he losses confidence he pulls away some and the DD side tends to get lost a bit. When I make myself give the submission when he is distant, he grows so much in his leadership. Maybe Brandon lacks confidence and zones out because he is lacking the confidence due to feeling belittled? Hopefully yalls talk sticks and you guys can get through this rough patch. I’m praying for y’all, hang in there! ❤️
Happy to be taken in hand by my Beast

Rand E
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Location: Los Angeles

Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Rand E » Mon Nov 04, 2019 1:30 pm

Lauren,

I didn't reply on your post because I'm a newby to DD, and not even the type of DD that you practice, so who the heck am I to try to give you any advice? But I don't want to seem insensitive. I hate to see good people having serious marital problems. My wife and I have had a few rough spots, so I have been though that particular ringer myself more than once.

I sincerely hope that you can work through these difficulties and strengthen your marriage. With or without DD, that's what it's all about. It takes a lot of effort and commitment. Sometimes a whole lot. But from what I know of you from this forum, you have the strength to succeed.

Lauren
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Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:45 pm
Location: Wisconsin

Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by Lauren » Mon Nov 04, 2019 7:57 pm

MyLove wrote:
Sun Nov 03, 2019 9:29 pm
That sometimes helps me when I need to overlook another's sin, and move forward emotionally. Forgiving someone doesn't mean what they did wasn't hurtful, it just means you can choose to let it go.
-ML 💕
Thank you MyLove for this. I needed to hear that.

Thank you Beauty. Your words were also comforting.

Rand E,
Thank you for your last sentence. I try to be strong, persistent and determined in my marriage. But I am human and I do fail sometimes.


We have a few wins the last few days. Brandon has been helping me with the girls more and in general. And I have made an effort to hold his hand more and have kept my mouth shut a few times I have wanted to criticize him. It's a start.

BigDaddy1959
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by BigDaddy1959 » Mon Nov 04, 2019 11:52 pm

Lauren,
I am glad you and Brandon are doing better, but it seems little and short-term, so far. I hope Brandon is reading this post and comments. It sounds like Brandon may be on to something, that you both do better when you are living the lifestyle, but it is really up to him. Yes, I think you and he should still try to practice DD. If he wants his family and to make his marriage to you work, he needs to commit himself to it, and that probably means doing what he knows he needs to and assert his leadership and take responsibility for leading you and the household. That starts with a deep love. If he has that love, if he wants that love, then he should know that he needs to be self-disciplined to lead and be engaged with what you and the kids need, and discipline you when you need it. I think all you can do (better) is love him more and submit to him as you should, as best you can. A wise person once said that "Love conquers all, but forgiveness leads the way!" Forgive him, love him, and let him lead, if he will. If he refuses to lead your family, he will probably get the kind of family he deserves, but probably not the kind of family he wants.
BD

StrapHater
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Re: Should we even try to still practice DD?

Post by StrapHater » Tue Nov 05, 2019 11:40 pm

Lauren, I debated a long time on whether to respond or not. SE is my second marriage, and I am her third. We had extremely rough times the first several years of our marriage... with me being accustomed to living alone for more than a decade. Her three are married and gone. My one is on a fantastic career path.

I agree completely with Phil. In order for a DD relationship to have any meaning, there must be a certain level of trust and respect. It is emotional investment that makes the DD effective and/or meaningful. We learned this the hard way early in our relationship.
Married for 12 years || DD for 15 years
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (I Corinthians 7:4)

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