I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

VernAKmiss
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:18 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by VernAKmiss » Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:50 pm

MrX wrote:
Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:28 pm
VernAKmiss wrote:
Tue Nov 17, 2020 4:11 pm

That's a great one - not only does it address something that he's already shown a willingness to correct you on, it also is a situation where he's acting on behalf of someone else (eg. protecting the kids from your attitude), which may make him more open to holding you accountable.

Here's a way that I've created some structure for my wife on this exact same issue (attitude towards the kids) that may be helpful. We came up with a traffic-light system (green, yellow, red).

Every day my wife starts on Green. If she has a bad attitude with the kids, she moves to yellow. I can put her on yellow or she can put herself on yellow. And if that bad attitude continues, she moves to red (again, I can put her on red, or she can "tattle" on herself and put herself on red). We track where she is at via text message - nothing fancy, just an emoji,🟢🟡🔴.

At the end of the day if she is on yellow, she gets some sort of warning consequence - perhaps writing lines and an early bedtime. If she is on red, she gets spanked.

The nice thing about this structure is that I am not always the bad guy. It's just as common for her to put herself on yellow or red than it is for me to do it (after all, I'm not at home during the weekday with the kids like she is). That might be something that makes this less overwhelming or scary for your husband.

I agree with the thinking behind it for sure!! I’m hoping he will be willing to move forward with just this area for now. I’m hoping we can talk tonight some. I’m actually pleasantly surprised with how well he’s taken to this role.

I also love love love the system you have with your wife with the colors. I agree I would have to ‘tell on myself’ most times. Which would be so simple with a color emoji text. And having it be so simple: I like it. I too am with our four kids all day. We homeschool and have busy lives and he rarely sees me ‘at my worst’. There are definitely days though where I’m like wow... I’m way out of line. I wish my husband would step in and give me a spanking and make me much less likely to do this again. Also with moving to Yellow would be like a second chance to get my act together.

I really appreciate your detailed ideas and responses. Especially being so new trying to navigate entering this lifestyle intentionally yet carefully has been an interesting balance. I’m hoping to talk to him tonight or tomorrow and I’ll post an update!!

Olivia
Posts: 778
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2019 11:09 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by Olivia » Wed Nov 18, 2020 7:37 am

We have a similar system of 1, 2, 3 which has worked really well for us! Good luck talking with your husband, I look forward to hearing about how it goes!

User avatar
MrX
Posts: 44
Joined: Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:26 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by MrX » Wed Nov 18, 2020 12:52 pm

VernAKmiss wrote:
Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:50 pm
I really appreciate your detailed ideas and responses. Especially being so new trying to navigate entering this lifestyle intentionally yet carefully has been an interesting balance. I’m hoping to talk to him tonight or tomorrow and I’ll post an update!!
The balance that you speak of is key, and it can be difficult to achieve. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I've followed the various online DD communities since back in the days of Delphi, and in doing so you start seeing certain patterns and themes. I share the below in the hopes that it might be helpful as you talk with your husband.

Theme #1: Information disparity

In cases where one of the spouses is approaching the other about DD, there is almost always a HUGE information disparity. The initiating party has likely done substantial research - often times going back years and years. The other spouse hasn't done that research.

What normally happens here is the initiating spouse can just overwhelm the other spouse - it's not just "I want us to do DD". It's "I want us to do DD, and I want these rules, and when I break this rule I want this implement and this position. Also, I want maintenance every Tuesday, and I want to do a bootcamp next week, and I want you to use cornertime but not lines but maybe mouthsoaping and also ...." while there poor spouse is still stuck on, "What the heck is DD?"

The best approach is to give your husband time to go through the learning curve. You weren't a DD expert the first day you heard of it, so give him the time to catch up. Starting with one or two particular things and talking through it together, allow him to do his own research, answer questions, etc are all helpful approaches.


Theme #2: Running before walking

This theme goes hand-in-hand with the previous theme. The initiating spouse has almost certainly done a bunch of research - and guess what, a lot of what they read is from people like me and my wife who have been practicing DD for many, many years. And what the newbie may not always fully grasp is that while our DD marriage is comprehensive and covers a lot of ground today, it wasn't always that way - it evolved over time.

What happens here is that the initiating spouse has expectations that they are going to start DD and it is going to look like a mature DD couple on day one, and then they get disappointed when it's not that way.

The best approach here is the one that you seem to be taking - start with a rule or two, and keep it simple. Don't worry - over time, your DD relationship will evolve and will include all the things you are hoping for. But you have to crawl before you can walk.


Theme #3: Not filtering out the fantasizers

This is the other side of the coin for theme #3. I would estimate that, depending on the community, somewhere between 30% and 80% of DD blog posts, forum posts, etc are written by people who aren't actually in a DD marriage - it's a sexual fantasy of theirs (a tell-tale sign: men who are pretending to be in a DD relationship as a form of sexual fantasy often end up following a path in their posts: first, his wife spanks him. Then, his wife tells others that she spanks him. Then, the wife spanks him in front of someone else. Then, the wife gives that other person permission to spank her husband. Oh, and that other person is often a sister-in-law or mother-in-law).

As you are doing your research, do you best to filter out the folks who are just pretending or writing fantasy materials. If you ever have questions on whether something seems real or fake, ask someone who has been doing DD for a while for their opinion - we normally have a pretty good nose for this sort of thing.

Theme #4: Topping from the bottom

This is one of the more difficult areas, and probably the most common. When a wife or husband who wants to submit to their spouse thinks about how that would look, they come up with a set of expectations. Those expectations are influenced by all three of the themes I mentioned above. And in trying to ensure that their expectations are met, they start "topping from the bottom" - telling their spouse exactly how they should do the job of domination.

This undermines the very thing you are asking your husband to do. "Ok, honey, I want you to be in charge. That means that you must do A, B, and C" is really just you being in charge.

There's no easy solution to this theme other than simply communicating your ideas but giving your husband the authority to decide what to do, being patient with him as he learns how to be a HoH, and letting go of your expectations. The reality is that your husband knows you more than any online forum post or blog, and if given the space to implement DD in a way that he sees fit, you are going to end up happier in the long run.

Hopefully in the wall of text above, there's a morsel or two that are helpful.

VernAKmiss
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:18 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by VernAKmiss » Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:17 pm

MrX wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 12:52 pm
VernAKmiss wrote:
Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:50 pm
I really appreciate your detailed ideas and responses. Especially being so new trying to navigate entering this lifestyle intentionally yet carefully has been an interesting balance. I’m hoping to talk to him tonight or tomorrow and I’ll post an update!!
The balance that you speak of is key, and it can be difficult to achieve. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I've followed the various online DD communities since back in the days of Delphi, and in doing so you start seeing certain patterns and themes. I share the below in the hopes that it might be helpful as you talk with your husband.

Theme #1: Information disparity

In cases where one of the spouses is approaching the other about DD, there is almost always a HUGE information disparity. The initiating party has likely done substantial research - often times going back years and years. The other spouse hasn't done that research.

What normally happens here is the initiating spouse can just overwhelm the other spouse - it's not just "I want us to do DD". It's "I want us to do DD, and I want these rules, and when I break this rule I want this implement and this position. Also, I want maintenance every Tuesday, and I want to do a bootcamp next week, and I want you to use cornertime but not lines but maybe mouthsoaping and also ...." while there poor spouse is still stuck on, "What the heck is DD?"

The best approach is to give your husband time to go through the learning curve. You weren't a DD expert the first day you heard of it, so give him the time to catch up. Starting with one or two particular things and talking through it together, allow him to do his own research, answer questions, etc are all helpful approaches.


Theme #2: Running before walking

This theme goes hand-in-hand with the previous theme. The initiating spouse has almost certainly done a bunch of research - and guess what, a lot of what they read is from people like me and my wife who have been practicing DD for many, many years. And what the newbie may not always fully grasp is that while our DD marriage is comprehensive and covers a lot of ground today, it wasn't always that way - it evolved over time.

What happens here is that the initiating spouse has expectations that they are going to start DD and it is going to look like a mature DD couple on day one, and then they get disappointed when it's not that way.

The best approach here is the one that you seem to be taking - start with a rule or two, and keep it simple. Don't worry - over time, your DD relationship will evolve and will include all the things you are hoping for. But you have to crawl before you can walk.


Theme #3: Not filtering out the fantasizers

This is the other side of the coin for theme #3. I would estimate that, depending on the community, somewhere between 30% and 80% of DD blog posts, forum posts, etc are written by people who aren't actually in a DD marriage - it's a sexual fantasy of theirs (a tell-tale sign: men who are pretending to be in a DD relationship as a form of sexual fantasy often end up following a path in their posts: first, his wife spanks him. Then, his wife tells others that she spanks him. Then, the wife spanks him in front of someone else. Then, the wife gives that other person permission to spank her husband. Oh, and that other person is often a sister-in-law or mother-in-law).

As you are doing your research, do you best to filter out the folks who are just pretending or writing fantasy materials. If you ever have questions on whether something seems real or fake, ask someone who has been doing DD for a while for their opinion - we normally have a pretty good nose for this sort of thing.

Theme #4: Topping from the bottom

This is one of the more difficult areas, and probably the most common. When a wife or husband who wants to submit to their spouse thinks about how that would look, they come up with a set of expectations. Those expectations are influenced by all three of the themes I mentioned above. And in trying to ensure that their expectations are met, they start "topping from the bottom" - telling their spouse exactly how they should do the job of domination.

This undermines the very thing you are asking your husband to do. "Ok, honey, I want you to be in charge. That means that you must do A, B, and C" is really just you being in charge.

There's no easy solution to this theme other than simply communicating your ideas but giving your husband the authority to decide what to do, being patient with him as he learns how to be a HoH, and letting go of your expectations. The reality is that your husband knows you more than any online forum post or blog, and if given the space to implement DD in a way that he sees fit, you are going to end up happier in the long run.

Hopefully in the wall of text above, there's a morsel or two that are helpful.
Yes!!! Thank you so so so much. I really am understanding all of this and it all makes sense. I think he and I are in a really good place to take baby steps forward at whatever pace he leads. I have certainly let go of the ‘fantasy expectations’ and have come to a place or realization that to let him lead, I truly have to sit back shut up and let him lead. I’ve been thankful for his willingness to learn and ask questions during and try new implements and positions. I have every desire to let this evolve naturally now that he is aware of my general desires within our marriage he has the freedom to implement them in whatever way he sees fit.

User avatar
DesertRose
Posts: 598
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2018 1:34 pm

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by DesertRose » Sat Nov 28, 2020 12:29 pm

MrX wrote:
Wed Nov 18, 2020 12:52 pm
The balance that you speak of is key, and it can be difficult to achieve. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I've followed the various online DD communities since back in the days of Delphi, and in doing so you start seeing certain patterns and themes. I share the below in the hopes that it might be helpful as you talk with your husband.

Theme #1: Information disparity

In cases where one of the spouses is approaching the other about DD, there is almost always a HUGE information disparity. The initiating party has likely done substantial research - often times going back years and years. The other spouse hasn't done that research.

What normally happens here is the initiating spouse can just overwhelm the other spouse - it's not just "I want us to do DD". It's "I want us to do DD, and I want these rules, and when I break this rule I want this implement and this position. Also, I want maintenance every Tuesday, and I want to do a bootcamp next week, and I want you to use cornertime but not lines but maybe mouthsoaping and also ...." while there poor spouse is still stuck on, "What the heck is DD?"

The best approach is to give your husband time to go through the learning curve. You weren't a DD expert the first day you heard of it, so give him the time to catch up. Starting with one or two particular things and talking through it together, allow him to do his own research, answer questions, etc are all helpful approaches.


Theme #2: Running before walking

This theme goes hand-in-hand with the previous theme. The initiating spouse has almost certainly done a bunch of research - and guess what, a lot of what they read is from people like me and my wife who have been practicing DD for many, many years. And what the newbie may not always fully grasp is that while our DD marriage is comprehensive and covers a lot of ground today, it wasn't always that way - it evolved over time.

What happens here is that the initiating spouse has expectations that they are going to start DD and it is going to look like a mature DD couple on day one, and then they get disappointed when it's not that way.

The best approach here is the one that you seem to be taking - start with a rule or two, and keep it simple. Don't worry - over time, your DD relationship will evolve and will include all the things you are hoping for. But you have to crawl before you can walk.


Theme #3: Not filtering out the fantasizers

This is the other side of the coin for theme #3. I would estimate that, depending on the community, somewhere between 30% and 80% of DD blog posts, forum posts, etc are written by people who aren't actually in a DD marriage - it's a sexual fantasy of theirs (a tell-tale sign: men who are pretending to be in a DD relationship as a form of sexual fantasy often end up following a path in their posts: first, his wife spanks him. Then, his wife tells others that she spanks him. Then, the wife spanks him in front of someone else. Then, the wife gives that other person permission to spank her husband. Oh, and that other person is often a sister-in-law or mother-in-law).

As you are doing your research, do you best to filter out the folks who are just pretending or writing fantasy materials. If you ever have questions on whether something seems real or fake, ask someone who has been doing DD for a while for their opinion - we normally have a pretty good nose for this sort of thing.

Theme #4: Topping from the bottom

This is one of the more difficult areas, and probably the most common. When a wife or husband who wants to submit to their spouse thinks about how that would look, they come up with a set of expectations. Those expectations are influenced by all three of the themes I mentioned above. And in trying to ensure that their expectations are met, they start "topping from the bottom" - telling their spouse exactly how they should do the job of domination.

This undermines the very thing you are asking your husband to do. "Ok, honey, I want you to be in charge. That means that you must do A, B, and C" is really just you being in charge.

There's no easy solution to this theme other than simply communicating your ideas but giving your husband the authority to decide what to do, being patient with him as he learns how to be a HoH, and letting go of your expectations. The reality is that your husband knows you more than any online forum post or blog, and if given the space to implement DD in a way that he sees fit, you are going to end up happier in the long run.

Hopefully in the wall of text above, there's a morsel or two that are helpful.
I think there's a fine line between expressing my opinion and trying to control the situation. I feel that this will be the most challenging part of submitting to my future husband.
🌸 I want a husband who will love me enough to punish me.
DesertRose

Olivia
Posts: 778
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2019 11:09 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by Olivia » Sat Nov 28, 2020 12:43 pm

I worry about that too!, I try to just tell my side of the story or my opinion and let him take it from there

Pink cheeks
Posts: 327
Joined: Sat May 30, 2020 12:20 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by Pink cheeks » Sat Nov 28, 2020 7:59 pm

.

There's no easy solution to this theme other than simply communicating your ideas but giving your husband the authority to decide what to do, being patient with him as he learns how to be a HoH, and letting go of your expectations. The reality is that your husband knows you more than any online forum post or blog, and if given the space to implement DD in a way that he sees fit, you are going to end up happier in the long run.

Hopefully in the wall of text above, there's a morsel or two that are helpful.
[/quote]

More than a morsel, much more of a meal. Thank you

VernAKmiss
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:18 am

Re: I want to implement DD, a letter to my husband...

Post by VernAKmiss » Sat Nov 28, 2020 8:29 pm

Pink cheeks wrote:
Sat Nov 28, 2020 7:59 pm
.

There's no easy solution to this theme other than simply communicating your ideas but giving your husband the authority to decide what to do, being patient with him as he learns how to be a HoH, and letting go of your expectations. The reality is that your husband knows you more than any online forum post or blog, and if given the space to implement DD in a way that he sees fit, you are going to end up happier in the long run.

Hopefully in the wall of text above, there's a morsel or two that are helpful.
More than a morsel, much more of a meal. Thank you
[/quote]


Yes you are so correct, I agree!! I am certainly learning as I go. I started a journal section with an update if you want to check it out!

Post Reply