Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Rand E
Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by Rand E » Sun Jan 05, 2020 10:07 pm

My wife and I have a coDD arrangement, so the dynamics of handling rule breaks and discipline are bound to be a bit different from a traditional DD relationship. However, we still deal with similar issues concerning interpreting the rules and determining appropriate punishment.

I disagree with the folks here that say that your recent punishment was non-consensual. My wife and I found that consenting on a case-by-case basis just plain doesn't work. We agree to the arrangement, and part of that agreement is that we will submit without defiance to consequences for a rule break. The spanking isn't called off or delayed just because you aren't in the mood for it.

The only exception to complete submission and cooperation is that we have adopted a dead-stop safe word for disciplinary sessions. Part of the reason for the safe word is just force of habit – we have used safe words as spankos for long before we adopted a DD arrangement, and I just don't feel comfortable without them. However, in the context of DD, the safe word is a much bigger deal, as it serves as a withdrawal of consent for the arrangement. If it ever came to that, we would have to sit down and re-negotiate the arrangement to get it restarted.

Just as you described, I have had situations with my wife being defiant, and it was not easy for me to get forceful with her about it, as well as amping up the punishment to deal with it, or dealing with the emotions I feel when she cries. But in none of those cases did she ever shut down the process, even though she has that choice, so at least I don''t have qualms about whether it was consensual discipline or just abusive.

What you did would not constitute a rule break in our household, but I am pretty sure that my wife would have submitted under the circumstances you described if I decided it was called for. However, my wife would surely insist on some follow up heart-to-heart discussions to get a few things straight concerning the specific rules, discretion over interpreting rule breaks, and determining severity of punishment. Nobody is perfect, and I feel the rules should be sufficiently detailed to serve as a constraint on the HoH as much as on the sub, to provide some boundaries over the process that you both agree to in advance.

Busylady6
Posts: 100
Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2017 11:23 pm

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by Busylady6 » Sun Jan 05, 2020 10:21 pm

First I want to send you love to heal your heart ❤️❤️❤️
It feels awful to feel invalidated....
I am sorry you were punished

We do not have parties at my house but I do know that when we go out and are in front of our friends I have been known to act up... my Loving HOH does not approve of this behavior at all...
if I do not feel that a spanking/punishment is warranted I am allowed to discuss it respectfully in my journal so I have somewhere to place my emotions
I am not allowed to refuse and I am not allowed to argue my point (way too long of a history of arguing my position)
This is how we have come to terms with this and I have to accept because this is part of the trust and respect I have for his ability to lead our life.
I still sorry for your saddened heart and I hope you have found some healing❤️❤️❤️

Love to you
💕
Busy

DisciplinedWife
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:12 am

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by DisciplinedWife » Mon Jan 06, 2020 1:09 pm

I know that sometimes one feels the punishment is undeserved or too severe for the offence. I have felt that quite a few times. We have a very structured discipline arrangement with number of strokes pre-decided by offence levels and I am allowed to "appeal against the sentence" i.e. speak respectfully about why I feel I should not be punished or punished less. If my appeal fails, I submit to the punishment. The broad view is that like the judicial system, the HoH must be obeyed and respected despite his occasional failings.

User avatar
Beauty
Posts: 393
Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by Beauty » Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:17 pm

Rand E wrote:
Sun Jan 05, 2020 10:07 pm
I disagree with the folks here that say that your recent punishment was non-consensual. My wife and I found that consenting on a case-by-case basis just plain doesn't work. We agree to the arrangement, and part of that agreement is that we will submit without defiance to consequences for a rule break. The spanking isn't called off or delayed just because you aren't in the mood for it.

Just as you described, I have had situations with my wife being defiant, and it was not easy for me to get forceful with her about it, as well as amping up the punishment to deal with it, or dealing with the emotions I feel when she cries. But in none of those cases did she ever shut down the process, even though she has that choice, so at least I don''t have qualms about whether it was consensual discipline or just abusive.
For us, this is very true and a well said different perspective, Rand E. I have been guilty of needing a forced punishment that I “wasn’t in the mood for”. However, from the submissive side... I have never felt abused but rather I abused the dynamic. Core of it all.... more respectful talking is never bad. Each situation is different so I completely understand that not being the right thing in this situation. I hope it all worked out for the best ❤️
Happy to be taken in hand by my Beast

Rand E
Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 5:45 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by Rand E » Sun Jan 19, 2020 8:53 pm

Beauty wrote:
Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:17 pm
Rand E wrote:
Sun Jan 05, 2020 10:07 pm
I disagree with the folks here that say that your recent punishment was non-consensual. My wife and I found that consenting on a case-by-case basis just plain doesn't work. We agree to the arrangement, and part of that agreement is that we will submit without defiance to consequences for a rule break. The spanking isn't called off or delayed just because you aren't in the mood for it.

Just as you described, I have had situations with my wife being defiant, and it was not easy for me to get forceful with her about it, as well as amping up the punishment to deal with it, or dealing with the emotions I feel when she cries. But in none of those cases did she ever shut down the process, even though she has that choice, so at least I don''t have qualms about whether it was consensual discipline or just abusive.
For us, this is very true and a well said different perspective, Rand E. I have been guilty of needing a forced punishment that I “wasn’t in the mood for”. However, from the submissive side... I have never felt abused but rather I abused the dynamic. Core of it all.... more respectful talking is never bad. Each situation is different so I completely understand that not being the right thing in this situation. I hope it all worked out for the best ❤️
This topic of submission and consent is so complicated. I don't think we talk about this on the forum enough. Of all the people in the world, we're the ones that live the lifestyle, and we're the ones that should have the most to say about it.

User avatar
NateG
Posts: 840
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:34 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by NateG » Sun Jan 19, 2020 10:01 pm

Disciplinedwife,

I disagree with those who say it was "illegal" or nonconsensual. Most true spankings, for punishment are not necessarily desired or wanted. You knew your husband believed in that a husband has a right to spank his wife. I agree with that. So do you evidently.

I would have handled it a little bit different though. But only a little....I would have given you a chance to explain yourself before conducting the spanking. I think that would have been fair, but it probably wouldn't have changed my mind. Because as Phil wrote, you did make a guest in your home uncomfortable and probably everyone of your guests were uncomfortable after that. And you knew you shouldn't of said anything. Although...yes...I understand you wanting to defend your friend.

The problem is that you gave up your chance to explain your side of the situation when you refused to go upstairs as ordered. If it was me, that is when I would have let you speak. I might have altered the punishment a little bit or might have been more lenient on the spanking. But since you were refusing, that took away that option in my opinion. You know the dynamics of your marriage. You know flat our refusal wouldn't go over well.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I totally understand that this guy was probably a drunk jackass. But your husband probably felt embarrassed and upset that you broke etiquette, especially since he appears to be an old fashioned kind of guy.

I haven't had the experience of spanking my wife when she was so adamantly against it. If we had that situation I would definitely allow her a chance to state her reasons why. Although the final decision would be mine.

Nate

spankedsarah
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2020 10:56 am
Location: New Jersey/NY area

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by spankedsarah » Mon Jan 20, 2020 1:51 pm

I am really enjoying reading about other relationships on this forum and all the advice and love offered. I think Nate said it perfectly when he stated that by not going upstairs and instead staying to watch tv, that opportunity to talk it out may have been missed.

I know in the early years of our DD marriage I definitely refused to comply a time or two because I didn’t agree to the reason behind a paddling but fighting back has always made things worse. My husband would have handled me not going up the stairs probably like yours did. Defiance escalates things in a bad way.

I hope things worked out and you have talked. Communication is something we work on every day.

LovingCorrection
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2019 11:29 am

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by LovingCorrection » Tue Jan 21, 2020 4:37 am

Hi,

I think the real answer is in ‘submission’ it’s self. It’s easy to submit to something when you completely agree with it, you are still in control and calling the shots. Even if your submitting to something as painful as a punishment spanking you’ve not relinquished all your control. However to submit when you totally disagree is an entirely different matter and one I’d argue was really the begging of true submission. Now you have relinquished your control and placed the full responsibility in your husband’s hands. You are accountable to him and he is accountable to God. So, ask yourself if you want to be a submissive wife and if the answer is ‘yes’ then let go of any desire to hold on to control. I know this is easier said than done, but I think you’ll find it has great reward.

Anyway that’s my ten penneth :)

Skylar1970
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:25 am
Location: USA

Re: Refusal To submit To A Spanking - Anyone?

Post by Skylar1970 » Mon Jan 27, 2020 1:13 am

If I did that to a guest in my house I would be in trouble. If I stalled or ignored Sir, I would get punished twice as hard. I definitely obey!
When Sir says Hush and goes all Dom on me I am in trouble :cry:

Post Reply