Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Spanking and Domestic Discipline
AddyJane
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:26 pm

Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by AddyJane » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:06 pm

I know many couples who are well versed in DD are huge advocates for maintenance spankings, and I’m sure they have a place and a time in individual relationships, but just wanted to add a different perspective:

My husband and I have been practicing DD for 9 years, all my adult life (we are in our late 20’s). But when we started there were not tons of blogs or resources, and quite honestly, most were lacking.

About three years into DD, we had some DD friends singing praises of maintenance when we were out to dinner, ( maintenance was something we had not been doing.) She talked about how she finally “felt submissive;” she always felt “taken in hand.”

So my husband later that night read all he could and planned to incorporate it weekly; I think he had his doubts. As a wife who actively tried to avoid needing correction by modifying my behavior and watching myself, I was a little crushed at its introduction. But everyone else was doing it....there were even blogs outlining how to do it now.

Just prior to starting maintenance, for my New Year’s resolution I had made a commitment to my husband to never get spanked for the same thing twice... at the least try my best. The idea was I planned to learn every time and not waste his or my time with things that had already been addressed. This is when DD really started helping and the frequency in which I was spanked went way down.

Until this point we had a long list of rules and a series of repeated offenses. It worked, I guess; it looked a lot like most DD couples described.....Increasing severity when repeated offenses happen- frustrations with each other, mostly with myself. Slow improvements in some areas and big improvements in others. But some of it felt like a power play where I would test him or find loopholes to rules. DD during this time WAS beneficial to us, but not as fulfilling as I think my husband had hoped.

My resolution turned the tides: When I showed my husband that I wanted to learn from every correction and be the best version of myself for him and myself, I noticed his demeanor changed instantly ... he did not disengage or retreat after work. He felt comfortable leading and taking control of every day things. Consistency was not a problem, DD was always in use, but spanking didn’t seem like the driving force. I was more pliable, so correction came in softer forms, sometimes just a few words- I think a weight lifted from my husband’s shoulders. Eventually things that might have been a fight were productive conversations.

Maintenance after this commitment from me was a big stumbling block! Here I was actively trying to be more submissive and need less spankings, and there was this random spanking that took place on Sunday; I complied, but I was super defeated, maybe it looked like submission. It felt a little like submission.

Meanwhile he found himself using maintenance as an opportunity to catch up on the little things that slipped during the week or were festering. He also found himself spanking me harder for something that he had not quite forgiven me for yet.... maybe things he felt I truly didn’t learn from.

To some people they may think, yeah that is what maintenance is for or they might say it’s to re-establish “who’s in charge.”
My husband would say your wrong...

Those are your failures as a leader, not your TiH partner’s failures or opportunities for betterment. Roles being unclear, letting things slide/ build up or finishing a discipline session leaving some things unspoken is not cause to administer a weekly spanking- it’s a cause to start leading!

My husband recognized maintenance was giving both of us this “pseudo feeling of things being taken care of or roles be aligned”, but in reality it was like an unhealthy high! Role affirmations are not needed when a HoH is leading as he should.

Basically what we found was:
If both partners were actively seeking to better themselves- maintenance just didn’t have a place in DD, for us that is!

(Now I’m not saying this might be the case for everyone... I think everyone is different. I’ve said before, I did not seek out DD specifically, my husband did - so i do think I’m different in my “needs.”
But I also think everyone can benefit from evaluating why and how they are using maintenance.)

Shannon
Posts: 146
Joined: Thu May 10, 2018 3:20 pm

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by Shannon » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:31 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and I really like your quote below.
AddyJane wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:06 pm
Roles being unclear, letting things slide/ build up or finishing a discipline session leaving some things unspoken is not cause to administer a weekly spanking- it’s a cause to start leading!
I believe that some people want and need maintenance spankings--it works for them and helps. However, I also agree with you that just because it works for some does not mean it should be a standard for all.

AddyJane
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:26 pm

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by AddyJane » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:47 pm

I fully recognize I do not understand the “want” to be spanked! 😂 But I know that truly is the case with a good portion of those TiH.
Still I think evaluating why you want that is essential... if it’s an innate need that’s fine ( most I think fall into this category)... but if it’s a need stemming from your HoH being distant or disengaged or not following through - maintenance is a bandaide for a bigger problem.
Shannon wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:31 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and I really like your quote below.
AddyJane wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:06 pm
Roles being unclear, letting things slide/ build up or finishing a discipline session leaving some things unspoken is not cause to administer a weekly spanking- it’s a cause to start leading!
I believe that some people want and need maintenance spankings--it works for them and helps. However, I also agree with you that just because it works for some does not mean it should be a standard for all.

SurrealSD
Posts: 234
Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:12 am

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by SurrealSD » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:52 pm

I think it's great you were able to look at your situation and relationship and discard what doesn't work for you. That is the main important thing-- almost the ONLY important thing-- about DD. Doing what works for your relationship.

For us, we're not trying to improve our relationship, and we're not trying to improve me. Our relationship is brand-new and growing organically, and I don't have habits or behaviors I'm trying to fix. I workout regularly, eat right, work hard, stay within my budget, keep my house clean and my laundry done. Really our only rules are respect and obedience within the areas where he has a right to expect it. I very very rarely get punishment spankings.
That said, maintenance keeps me in a proper submissive mindset that I wouldn't be able to maintain otherwise. I can definitely see us removing or reducing it as the relationship progresses.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

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Sassyclouds
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Location: USA

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by Sassyclouds » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:10 pm

I also love that quote!! My husband and I are still new at this. It's been a year of off and on. It's beyond the lack of consistency, but he says he will be. I wanted DD not him. So, I feel guity about it. He doesn't even like to spank for fun...but, he's been the one in charge throughout our now 18 yrs of marriage. So, we have never done maintenance spankings. I only want them as a way to help me since I love the feeling I get after he spanks me. I feel so much closer and connected more to him. I love feeling so submissive, but that only happens with harder spankings. I do need stress relief...well, I would love to have them. Again, he doesn't do those either. I try to do what I'm told, but knowing that he will actually spank me instead of just taking stuff away means more. He's always taken money away or my kindle or internet privileges before we even knew what DD was. So, the only difference is I get spanked now-if he chooses to enforce his rules. I would rather be spanked then lose priveledges. Thank goodness he doesn't want to use soap or corner time, etc. I had lines once and hated it lol. Great blog and writing! I never thought of maintenance spankings like that. I personally want a hard spanking even if I've been good ;) PLUS, being spanked more often helps to handle the more severe ones! When he goes many weeks without spanking me, then spanks me so hard it feels like being spanked for the first time all over again...
I'm Sassy. After 19 yrs, married 18yrs with kids, my husband moved out 12-31-18. He told me we our separating and he moved out an hour later. We had a DD marriage for over a year but, without consistency. It was my idea. He didn't really want it.

AddyJane
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:26 pm

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by AddyJane » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:14 pm

Yes part of me wonders what would have happened had maintenance been apart of DD from the beginning. Maybe I would be if similar mind lol!
And I certainly understand the not having habits, to an extent:
I truthfully don’t think I would ever be spanked over laundry or not going to the gym... we honestly don’t focus too much on that.
My only rules are basically all focused around being respectful... there is more to it than that.
Oh and of course obedience... this one is the huge one for me lol! My HoH has a lot of demands!( not really). 😂
Lots of safety related rules that I think are pointless but obey nonetheless!
SurrealSD wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:52 pm
I think it's great you were able to look at your situation and relationship and discard what doesn't work for you. That is the main important thing-- almost the ONLY important thing-- about DD. Doing what works for your relationship.

For us, we're not trying to improve our relationship, and we're not trying to improve me. Our relationship is brand-new and growing organically, and I don't have habits or behaviors I'm trying to fix. I workout regularly, eat right, work hard, stay within my budget, keep my house clean and my laundry done. Really our only rules are respect and obedience within the areas where he has a right to expect it. I very very rarely get punishment spankings.
That said, maintenance keeps me in a proper submissive mindset that I wouldn't be able to maintain otherwise. I can definitely see us removing or reducing it as the relationship progresses.

TheGoodWifeLife
Posts: 413
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Location: Tennessee, USA

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by TheGoodWifeLife » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:40 pm

We don’t do any type of scheduled spanking either. My dh reminds me daily of our “roles” though. He often swats my butt just because (not hard just playfully). He will pick me up or grab me as I’m walking by him and put me into his lap so he can give me a quick kiss, and of course he also often asserts his dominance in the bedroom too 😉 Those are all examples of my HoH “establishing dominance”. He is usually playful and uses a more gentle voice with me than he would at work or something, but when his voice gets lower and he speaks more slowwwly, it’s an instant reminder that he will get serious if he needs to! I think it’s about what WORKS for each couple in their relationship. We all have our own unique take on what DD is to us and our relationships. Some of us are more laid back and choose to use the 4 Ds as a guide for rules. Others need and want very specific and more rigid and clear cut rules. Some of us are ok after severe spanking, some of us (me) would be a complete wreck if I got more than 10 seats with most implements. (I know, I’m a big baby, but less is more with me!) Some of us use/receive other methods of discipline like mouth soaping, corner time, writing lines. Some don’t do all or any of those things. As long as you’re both in agreement about new things being introduced into a relationship, I think it’s fine. I’m learning how “vanilla” I am and I’ll admit some things others described have made me wonder how I’d react and would that be effective? But there are also some things that are a hard NO for me personally too.
Sassy Southern Wife & Mama & follower of Jesus

TrentMontana
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Joined: Tue Sep 05, 2017 5:53 pm

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by TrentMontana » Fri Nov 23, 2018 2:55 pm

Great perspective! For us, it’s sort of an opposite dynamic. Punishment is deflating for my TiH, while maintenance is a way for her to be ‘good’ and reaffirm her submission without guilt and emotion.

So for us, upping the leadership when things are slipping means I must 1) clarify my expectations with myself 2) communicate them to TiH clearly 3) set up TiH for success in these areas, and 4) increase the intensity of our dynamic through more ‘maintenance’. This works for us because punishments are almost never used. It’s a nuclear option when all discussion and reason has failed.

Interesting - you want to be punished, not maintained, while my wife want to be maintained, not punished. But it sounds like you both value your ‘good girl’ status. I think both ways work ;)

AddyJane
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:26 pm

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by AddyJane » Sat Nov 24, 2018 11:11 am

You’re right, I think in individual relationships, both work!
Good girl status is key!!! 😂
I will say our dynamic is maintened other ways.
TrentMontana wrote:
Fri Nov 23, 2018 2:55 pm
Great perspective! For us, it’s sort of an opposite dynamic. Punishment is deflating for my TiH, while maintenance is a way for her to be ‘good’ and reaffirm her submission without guilt and emotion.

So for us, upping the leadership when things are slipping means I must 1) clarify my expectations with myself 2) communicate them to TiH clearly 3) set up TiH for success in these areas, and 4) increase the intensity of our dynamic through more ‘maintenance’. This works for us because punishments are almost never used. It’s a nuclear option when all discussion and reason has failed.

Interesting - you want to be punished, not maintained, while my wife want to be maintained, not punished. But it sounds like you both value your ‘good girl’ status. I think both ways work ;)

submissive.robin
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Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2019 9:18 am
Location: Dallas/Ft. Worth

Re: Why we quit maintenance spankings altogether!

Post by submissive.robin » Mon Jul 22, 2019 12:35 pm

@AddyJane,

I'm glad you added an addendum at the end of your post. I think you came off a little terse. I think that your epiphany about not getting in trouble for the same thing twice has indeed made maintenance moot for you. It also sounds like DD is monodimensional for you... that is... you only use it to punish and discipline for bad behavior. However I am sure you recognize that spanking... including maintenance... serves a host of issues for each partner individually and as a couple.

My Sir and I have a standing protocol. It is one he has only availed himself of a handful of times in our 15 years of marriage. He as the HoH may ask (emphasis on ask) to give me a hard punishment spanking and he doesn't have to provide a reason other than he wants to. The most recent was back in March. It had been over 4 years before that. It was a lazy afternoon and it was perfect to work in the yard. The girls were both at soccer practice.

He came over to me, almost apologetically, to ask me something. When he paused, I knew what he wanted and even though I felt a jolt of apprehension, my Sir has never taken any advantage of our CDD love affair and I wasn't going to let pain and discomfort of corporal discipline take precedent over my need to submit and support my Sir.

"I would like to take you inside for a punishment spanking." He said softly. I am sure my face fell. I asked if I had done something wrong and he lovingly assured me that it was just him feeling the need to exert his authority. That took an emotional load off. I understood. I have come to him on more than one occasion asking for a spanking, just because I wanted to feel him exert that authority.

It was a profoundly difficult punishment and took the better part of an hour to administer the three corner times, three sets of spankings and the after care. I was sobbing for almost 15 minutes afterwards because I felt like an emotional bomb went off between us. Spanking for us is as emotionally bonding as kissing and making love. We don't trivialize it and I often have emotional tears afterwards. In this case the tears were from my loving response as well as the unbelievable pain of our large paddle.

I share all that just to point out that punishment and discipline aren't the only thing that many of us use DD for. And while you aren't obligated to embrace those reasons, give grace to those of us who are a little more needy when it comes to spankings. And yes... my maintenance spanking is coming up Wednesday night.
submissively for Him and for my Sir

Robin

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