Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Spanking and Domestic Discipline
Timid
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Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by Timid » Thu Nov 01, 2018 9:35 am

Hi everyone, just need input. My relationship is new and he is new to DD. In my last relationship I constantly had to top from the bottom and ask for punishments if I upset him. It was always a guessing game to figure out if something that he didn't care about yesterday would upset him today. It was very unhealthy. Anyway, Sir and I both need clear rules, (Don't be disrespectful, Do not raise your voice in anger, Take your medicine daily) Most of our rules are about communication and respect. Actually, when he finds out I posted on here instead of coming to him I'll probably be spanked. But I need other opinions because I don't want to mess this thing up.

Who decides the rules? The Dom, or does the sub get a say? I have always had a problem with smoking. But it's not a problem to me. I only smoke when I'm out drinking with friends that are also smoking, which happens maybe twice a year. So I told him I wanted the freedom to have a cigarette when I'm stressed or whatever. He said Ok, as long as it doesn't become a habit. So fast-forward to last night. My kids were with their dad for Halloween. I was feeling alone and I decided to have a cigarette. It was one. Not even a full one. When he found out he said he was disappointed. I think he wants to add no smoking as a rule but the only thing stopping him is that he smokes cigars when he needs to unwind and he does it more than once a week. So do you have any rules that you disagree with? Do you find yourself breaking those rules more than others? I think if he just put his foot down and said no smoking I would obey because I want to please him, but since he's on the fence... IDK. Thanks guys!

CassLynn
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by CassLynn » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:34 am

My husband and I chose our rules together. It’s the 4 Ds plus getting all my chores done.

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sweetie
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by sweetie » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:43 am

Hi Timid, I would say I do have a say in my rules. For the most part they are jointly discussed and jointly agreed. Either one of us may suggest rules although, ultimately, my HoH, MrsSweetie, will have the final say. I’ve never not agreed with a rule MrsSweetie has wanted to incorporate, although I have attempted to negotiate them more favourably at times, usually unsuccessfully, but every rule MrsSweetie brings up is thought through and for the benefit of our relationship and our household. I’m not sure what would happen if MrsSweetie wanted to impose a rule I completely disagreed with but, in all fairness, I don’t think she ever would.
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

SurrealSD
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by SurrealSD » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:46 am

That hysterical laughing you just heard was me cracking up at the thought of consenting to being punished for breaking a rule I never agreed to in the first place.
But first, have you tried sitting down with your partner and telling them honestly how you feel?

TheGoodWifeLife
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by TheGoodWifeLife » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:50 am

I absolutely have a say so in our relationship! Disrespect is never okay, but I haven’t disagreed on what exactly is disrespectful either because for us, it’s obvious. Putting him down, cursing at him, screaming, pushing, hanging up on him are all things I’ve done and gotten into trouble for. Obeying is a more complicated one. If he says I am to do/not do something then it’s clear that he expects that I’ll obey him. But yesterday, for example, he had asked me to go renew his truck tags. He and I had both forgotten I had a dentist appointment and I needed to go to a couple of different stores for last minute Halloween things for the kids. The appointment took 2 hours and I was swollen and sore. I came home and put an ice pack on for awhile like the dentist told me to do and then I had to go get Halloween stuff and pick kids up from school so there wasn’t time to get his truck tags renewed. He would never punish me for situations like that. In relationships, DD or not, compassion and understanding are important. We all know that sometimes things come up and there’s only so much one person can get done in a day. Besides respect and obey, there are a few other things that would fall under the “dangerous” category. I once got spanked because he caught me whipping kiddies (spinning a vehicle around in circles) in his truck in the snow lol...I know it’s so dumb, but it was pretty fun! Stupid, but fun. He expects me to do things like taking medication if I need it or wearing my seatbelt, but he has never gotten angry or punished me for things like that. I guess it’s all about what each of you sees as being important enough to make a punishable offense. Those things should be talked about and if you strongly disagree with something he thinks is important you should be able to discuss with him why you feel the way you do and he can explain his reasoning for it being important to him. Y’all 2 then can come up with a list of rules and expectations. I’m not sure what to say if you both strongly disagree on something he wants to punish you for? On one hand, he is your HoH and should have the final say. However, it creeps into murky waters if you’re being punished for things you completely don’t agree you should be. I would hesitate to advise one way or the other here because each situation is unique and one HoH could be taking advantage of his/her authority and wind up being cruel. While another may be doing exactly the right thing to protect one or both of you from something that IS important after all. If anyone is ever in an abusive relationship, I would pray for them to have the strength to get out, but if your HoH is a good person who loves, cherishes, and protects you always, then he/she probably has a valid reason for feeling the way they do about a rule. I hope I’ve at least helped a little bit here! Good luck!
Sassy Southern Wife & Mama & follower of Jesus

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sweetie
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by sweetie » Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:48 pm

Hi Timid, not sure if you’ve seen this thread D and rule-setting, you may find it helpful: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=744#p8473
sweetie x
Please inform MrsSweetie, my HoH, if I'm in any way impolite, disrespectful, inapproptiate, or cause any offence

Timid
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by Timid » Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:26 pm

sweetie wrote:
Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:48 pm
Hi Timid, not sure if you’ve seen this thread D and rule-setting, you may find it helpful: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=744#p8473
Thank you. I saw this after I posted. It popped up as a suggestion.

Thank you to everyone that replied. I guess I was just wanting validation that it was ok to tell him No, that I don't want it to be a rule. However, I do understand that he doesn't like it, so that coupled with his disappointment yesterday will make me think twice before I smoke again. I just don't want to be punished for it. I want to be free to choose. I'm sure some of my resistance is the fact that he smokes cigars. When/If I smell it on him I always start craving a cigarette. If he ever quits and asks me to quit too then maybe we can make it a rule. but anyway, rambling again. Thank you all.

Joshua89
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by Joshua89 » Thu Nov 01, 2018 6:49 pm

I think the sub SHOULD have some input when negotiating rules, although sometimes it may seem easier if the HOH just notifies of the new rule.

Basically it is up to who is in charge.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church, he gave up his life for her.

geeman
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by geeman » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:56 am

As always, good advice offered from the community. Timid, we are all in relationships. I think people sometimes confuse DD and FLR with some kind of master/slave thing. It is anything but. We are couples that recognize - either due to some religious belief or some personal recognition - that we require clear lines of authority in our relationship. My wife has the final say and ever since we agreed to an FLR lifestyle, I have never questioned her 'final word'. That said, we communicate, we talk, we work through things. So, when a new rule comes up, we get to talk about it, but as has been pointed out by others, my wife rarely comes up with a new rule I don't agree with. Her rules are based on harmony and I know that is always the goal.

Tirzah
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Re: Does the Sub have a say in what becomes a Rule?

Post by Tirzah » Tue Nov 13, 2018 12:12 pm

Rules are always discussed, Nick has the final say but my thoughts are taken into account. We go through our rules regually to see if they are working or if they need changing.

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