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Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2021 9:09 am
Ok TIHs, this is one I know is near and dear to your heart. Consistency is almost always mentioned as a challenge in any DD relationship. My wife and I have been on a hiatus over the last year. First she got pregnant and then we had the in-laws in town. But in two weeks my wife will quit her job and be a full time stay at home mom. Needless to say, our dynamic will be back on.
So, would love to hear your frustrations of where you see issues with consistency. I think it sneaks up on the HOH and a situation we see as something minor is not viewed the same as the TIH.
So, I’d like to hear from you on where you see the issues from your perspective, and also, if it looked perfect(which we know is always difficult) but what would that look like. An example would be great.
Thanks for the input!
Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2021 1:29 pm
I don’t have actual real life experience, but from reading I’d say that if a rule is broken and nothing happens for discipline, it can be frustrating for the tih because boundaries start becoming muddy.
Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2021 9:33 am
We’ve struggled with consistency too. I was working 16 hours most days an I was constantly exhausted, he didn’t want to add to my stress and wanted to make the most of our time together so he’d let things slip. It felt like I could just do anything and he didn’t care enough to deal with it (which of course was not the case). I worried a lot about how everything I did might impact us negatively because the security of firm boundaries was missing and it no longer felt like we could just address with discipline and move on from it without any damage. So I started testing boundaries, he felt at times I did not want to give him my obedience anymore so he didn’t want to push it. The whole thing just sort of fed off itself and we were caught in a cycle of less and less DD.
I ended up coming to him asking for a spanking, we had a long talk and decided to commit to a sort of review every Sunday where he addresses every thing that happened during the week. That way we are secure in having consequences even if we don’t have time to deal with misbehaviors immediately and it honestly made a big difference when it comes to our dynamic.
Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2021 9:58 am
Thanks guys for the input. This is exactly what I was hoping for. Specifically for examples where the viewpoints of the hoh and tih could be reasonable but also divergent.
I’m curious, if your husband had stayed strict with the discipline, and still given consequences, despite the pressures on you, do you think it would have been too much? Ie, would that have been ok with you or do you think ultimately the way it worked out was the only real solution?
I know in most reasonable cases, there may be good reasons the hoh let’s off the gas, but my observation is that, it’s often times not viewed the same by the tih. Often times it can come off as lack of commitment, which can be viewed as non-caring. So what I’m trying to understand is the right point of commitment versus adjustment. Obviously this is different for every person, but it’s interesting to explore.
Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2021 4:07 pm
Your observation is exactly right. I saw it as lack of commitment/care and was frustrated he wasn’t more consistent whereas he was looking out for my wellbeing and certain it was the best way to care for me.
As for your question, honestly I’m not sure. I definitely needed there to still be structure and consequences but I think applying discipline at every infraction might have been a lot in that context. I would have accepted if he wanted that but realistically it would have aded up to the enormous pile of pressures and I might have resented it. Looking back, I think he made the right call and the once a week thing was the right solution for us. We needed a balance between easing off while still remaining committed. We all have ideas of how we want DD to be and how consistent we want it but ultimately we need to find works best in our specific situation and adjust our expectations accordingly.
Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2021 7:34 pm
I’ve found that a weekly “check in” as we call it has been super helpful to maintain consistency. We have 5 kids and he works long hours outside the home so immediate responses to things were often not happening. I started a journal and we laid out a few rules or expectations. Each night before bed I would mark like yes or no or pass or fail on the expectations. Whatever we agreed I needed to work on. My attitude with my kids, properly budgeting the bank account, taking my vitamins… I would also write in the journal when I felt like it. Anything I was feeling or thinking that I wanted him to know and read. How I felt about aspects of DD or our rules or my feelings after a spanking. Then on the day of our check in he would read the journal and check what I had marked for everything. Even if I had a good week I would still be spanked. More like a maintenance or reminder. We would review the rules possibly make changes. I feel like regular maintenance spankings for me keep me aware and reminded of our roles in our relationship. They are also a great place of mental release for me. If there were areas of failure he would us the paddle and he would definitely change the tone to punishment mode. It was sometimes hard to be honest in my journal knowing the resulting outcome. It definitely helped me to know these things would be addressed at our next check in and it was so much easier to pass along information about how I was feeling by writing vs face to face. So having him read the journal first was super helpful to begin our face to face conversations.
Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2021 9:38 am
That’s good to hear. We’ve also got a little one and while today I can see us slipping away for something quick, that’s going to only get more and more limited as time goes on. Each night I give my wife a little back rub to help her get to sleep. I’m thinking this will be our daily checkpoint when things become difficult due to kids.
Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2021 8:03 am
I’m the TiH in my relationship & consistency was a major issue for us in the beginning. Well to be 100% honest- knowing what we needed was the issue. I never had any sort of discipline growing up so I craved it but always just saw it on the BDSM spectrum bc I was never with anyone who I ever wanted to or thought I could actually submit to. My husband was that man. About 2yrs in I realized I NEEDED Discipline and here we are.
Now back to the consistency- it took us a while to get there. Basically - for us- it’s daily maintenance to keep it consistent. Not as severe as punishments ever, they have however helped us greatly cut down on them. I do probably deserve way more than I get to be honest but I can tell if I’ve been being bratty/sassy sometimes the maintenance is a little worse then other times. He also has me journal- I’m supposed to daily & don’t always
& he reads it to check in with how I’m feeling. Sometimes I find I can write things easier than I can talk about them. From that he can gauge my feelings / headspace.
So quick daily maintenance (usually a minute or 2 of getting my bottom soundly spanked) & journaling help us stay consistent. Literally helps me stay consistent & in the right headspace than having my bottom lit on
first thing in the morning!